Confused

[nm1012]

This is a weird topic, but it's something that has been bothering me for quite a while. I'm curious to see if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I've known that I was attracted to guys for quite a while. I've been hanging out/having fun with them for the past few years and have done quite a bit now. However, I never really enjoyed sex...despite trying essentially every type/position/etc, it never satisfied me and I can only cum by masturbation. It made me think I was wrong about being into guys, but I knew I wasn't attracted to girls so that couldn't be it.

So I decided to come out last year to see if that would help in making me more comfortable. I haven't been in a relationship, but I have gone on dates and made greater connections with guys before having fun. This hasn't helped. I also don't feel any better for coming out, even though people always say you feel way better afterwards.

While I'm not attracted to girls, the idea of being with someone completely different is quite invigorating (as opposed to being with a guy who has all the main elements that I have). I don't think I could ever hook up with a girl, but I am getting frustrated with never feeling sexually satisfied with a guy after my many, many experiences.

TLDR: I'm attracted to guys, but sex isn't fun no matter how hard I try. Also not into things that gay guys are normally into. Something wrong with me??

Thanks in advance!

[Borg69]

Sex is very intimate. While a great many guys are able to engage in sex recreationally and casually, perhaps you require a deeper emotional connection.

[nm1012]

Sex is very intimate. While a great many guys are able to engage in sex recreationally and casually, perhaps you require a deeper emotional connection.

That's what I've thought, but I have made greater connections with guys I've been fooling around with now and it hasn't really helped (potentially worse, actually). While I haven't been in a serious relationship, I also don't think it should be this hard after trying so many times.

[princealbertofb]

@nm1012
Maybe sex isn't all it is cracked up to be? Some people are asexual because sex doesn't do it for them. It might also be that you're still expecting to be blown out of your mind and it hasn't happened yet. It could be that your acquaintances have been, let's say, 'good' at best but never mind-blowingly good. It takes practice to make perfect. Random sex isn't always very satisfying, and for you it's obviously not an issue of self hatred, and shame, probably more a lack of real intimacy.

Do you enjoy masturbation? Does self gratification give you a sensation that you expect to replicate with sex with a partner or partners? If so, I think there's a reason why you are not gratified by sex with other men (or women). You have to redirect part of your emotional and physical response to couple sex / relationship sex which is a whole different kettle of fish (so to speak). You have to de-learn all the responses that you've managed to work out for your won physical gratification. You won't automatically have an orgasm with a new person and even with someone you've had sex with several times. Give them time to get to know you, and help them to get to know what triggers your libido. There is such a thing as fear of letting go.

Until you meet that special person who'll know how to press all the right buttons, you might have to start giving your partners a bit more indication about how you like it done, and what makes you tick. Do you have that sort of conversation? I'd also add that it's got to be two-way (or three-way if you're doing it with extra people)... If you let them know what you like, you need to listen to what they like too,and try to provide it, when you accept the challenge.

To me, sex is satisfactory when I can also provide my partner with what HE likes, not just when he provides me with what I like. Giving HIM what he needs is one of my greatest joys in our sex life. It's bonding. So maybe you need a bit more intimacy, and a bit more bonding, and maybe, just maybe, a bit more ability to 'let it go', to abandon yourself to someone else's expertise. As I said, it's not something that is just innate. It could mean practice and rewarding 'work'. The day you get that kind of companionship, you'll recognise it, I'm sure.

As an aside, you might want to try having sex with a woman too, since it's an interesting experience, but are you ready for that?

[princealbertofb]

That's what I've thought, but I have made greater connections with guys I've been fooling around with now and it hasn't really helped (potentially worse, actually). While I haven't been in a serious relationship, I also don't think it should be this hard after trying so many times.

The thing is you recognise, in your own words, that you've been 'fooling around', which to me indicates that this is not serious stuff, just recreational. You need to get more involved and your partner would also need to be more involved in you. The brain is, by all accounts, the biggest sex organ, so maybe you need to be more emotionally charged for it to work for you. Consider seeing a doctor, otherwise (if you are definitely not getting any sexual gratification from anything).

[nm1012]

[MENTION=1766]princealbertofb[/MENTION]
Thanks for all the advice! You bring up some really good points.

I agree about pleasing my partner and communicating with him. I forgot to add that I think the other guy almost always enjoys it (I'm sure we've all been in cases where they don't, but I'd say the majority were quite pleased). And sometimes I would just do things to please them - which, don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed (particularly being on top and pleasing the other guy so much). But it still didn't feel like it does whenever I orgasm (which I can only do with a guy when I masturbate afterwards).

I wouldn't say I'm asexual haha but I do get concerned that I'll never have that wow type of sex that everyone talks about. Especially when I've definitely had wow types of orgasms on my own. I've tried forcing myself to stop masturbating for a while before sex to see if that helps, and I think it would help...I just am terrible and couldn't last more than a few days (hence, probably not asexual haha).

However, I'll be patient and take that advice about trying new things. I am very curious about sleeping with a girl...but who could I even find to do it with, not as easy as finding a guy haha.

[MikeW]

This is a weird topic, but it's something that has been bothering me for quite a while. I'm curious to see if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I've known that I was attracted to guys for quite a while. I've been hanging out/having fun with them for the past few years and have done quite a bit now. However, I never really enjoyed sex...despite trying essentially every type/position/etc, it never satisfied me and I can only cum by masturbation. It made me think I was wrong about being into guys, but I knew I wasn't attracted to girls so that couldn't be it.

So I decided to come out last year to see if that would help in making me more comfortable. I haven't been in a relationship, but I have gone on dates and made greater connections with guys before having fun. This hasn't helped. I also don't feel any better for coming out, even though people always say you feel way better afterwards.

While I'm not attracted to girls, the idea of being with someone completely different is quite invigorating (as opposed to being with a guy who has all the main elements that I have). I don't think I could ever hook up with a girl, but I am getting frustrated with never feeling sexually satisfied with a guy after my many, many experiences.

TLDR: I'm attracted to guys, but sex isn't fun no matter how hard I try. Also not into things that gay guys are normally into. Something wrong with me??

Thanks in advance!

This is a very interesting conundrum. I'd like to see if I can help but I need more detailed information than you've provided. Not even sure exactly what to ask...

But to start off, it is NOT uncommon for guys who are used to watching porn to find themselves unable to get off WITHOUT jerking off. We get used to a particular kind of stimulation (both visual and tactile). When watching porn, we're in total control of all the sensations we're experiencing. Moreover, everything else is "fantasy"... what we "imagine" it would feel like.

Then comes reality. Now we're no longer in total control. We're with another guy and what HAD BEEN a solitary thing is now something shared with someone else. It doesn't' feel like we imagined... good or bad.

I'm just laying this out as a kind of sketch. Your situation could be as simple as you're just not USED to "getting off" with another guy (despite your experience level) OR... it could be something else. It could take some 'digging into' to find out. It could even be some 'block' that could only be gotten into and through with a trained professional (sex therapist, for example).

What might be helpful to know, though, is that you're not unique in not liking some things that a lot of gay men seem to. But lets get specific. Don't talk in generalities. What do you like and what don't you like. (For example, I know this one guy who is not into anal sex at all... only kissing and BJs...)

So if you want to explore this more here, just give me more specific information about what you like, what you don't, what you want (or think you do)... etc. Like I say, I'm not even sure what questions to ask.

[nm1012]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]

It's true that perhaps I'm just not used to letting go of control in terms of turning myself on etc and that I need to adjust to someone else doing it (and communicating with them to ensure they do things that turn me on).

However, I'm mostly just visual and fantasize to get off. I really...don't like many sexual activities.
Making out is hit or miss. Depends on the guy and definitely depends on the build-up. I waited after a couple dates before kissing one guy, and it was the hottest make-out session ever - nothing's topped that yet haha. But making out is good to start off.
I hate oral. Used to only hate giving it, but now I hate receiving it too. Literally does nothing to turn me on. I don't get everyone's fascination with it. It's so....boring/gross.
Anal, I've only truly topped and it's more enjoyable than oral but definitely doesn't do it for me compared to the other guy. I've tried bottoming recently but still not fully ready for it. With time, this one could get better, but I think I'd need someone I trust and am serious with to really enjoy it.

One thing I've enjoyed is being rimmed....but I can't really expect a guy to only do that haha...particularly if I don't give oral.

Thoughts?

[MikeW]

[MENTION=19753]nm1012[/MENTION]

Your post hasn't shown up yet. The system moderates people who have fewer than 50 posts, randomly withholding them. It's a troll defense. BUT it did send me your post since you put an @ before my name.

Sorry I don't have a lot of "thoughts" about what you've said. Ok, so you don't like giving or receiving head. You've topped and that was somewhat pleasurable. Not yet ready for bottoming, especially if it isn't with someone your trust or feel some emotional connection with. Rimming seems to be what you enjoy most and you're right, only wanting that and not giving head isn't going to win you many 'friends' in the sexual arena.

You do mention that you're primarily visual and that you had a fantastic make-out session with a guy you dated but held off on the kissing until the second or third date.

This may be a clue. I'm going to suggest that you try something... not sure exactly how you'd "negotiate" it with a potential sex partner... but let me go on. Rather than even attempting to get hot and heavy, make sure it is someone you're first and foremost visually attracted to. Then, ask if you can work at this in steps. For example, the first step might be the two of you getting together and watching porn, watching one another jerk off. I know this sounds very 'vanilla' but it can be quite hot... if both guys are up for it and visually inclined. The next step would be some mutual touching, mutual JO, maybe some kissing. Beyond that you can try some other forms of stimulation. Just two guys grinding into one another... or perhaps sitting face-to-face, your right leg under his left and his right leg under your left. That way you can get your cocks together and jerk off rubbing them together.

The specifics of how or what you do may not be that important so much as finding a way to do something that you find stimulating and allows you to 'let go' a bit more...step by step... giving over control to someone else. IF (maybe big if, IDK) you can find the right guy to 'play/practice' with you might try working up to just letting HIM service you however he wants. See if you can let yourself get out of your head (stop thinking about what is going on, whether you 'like' or 'don't like' it). Just get more in touch with your body and your sensations and working toward trusting the other guy to do things that might get to you. ALL THIS... can be going on with porn being shown.

Right now I'm "playing around" with a straight guy in somewhat this fashion. It's a rather long story I won't get into... I've thought of starting a thread on it. He IS heterosexual but rather "bent" with some an interesting fetish that involves being 'serviced' (with very precisely stipulated limits) by an older gay man. I'm clothed, he's naked, and we have "surround porn" (hetero) on three monitors: My 17 inch laptop, my 24" iMac and his 15" laptop. Three screens of it playing simultaneously. HE LOVES IT! Lol.... I find it rather hot myself TBH... I like watching guys 'do their thing'... and I get to help him out in very defined ways.

All I'm really trying to say here is that 'sex' (broadly defined) can be any kind of erotic play that you can negotiate with your partner. OK, so you have this problem... and you're trying to figure out how to work through it, how to enjoy sex more... and you need someone who is willing to work with you around it. My "belief" is that you may be able to find someone who'll do just that.

In any case, this is an interesting topic. Not your usual run-of-the-mill "I've fallen in love with my straight best friend who is flirtatious" or "my BF of two years has cheated on me with his X... what should I don now" kind of thread. LOL!

Don't be afraid to say what you need, what you want and don't want... see if you can find someone who will work with you... step by step.

Hopefully others will have bright ideas that may help.

[princealbertofb]

Fully with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] on this one, [MENTION=19753]nm1012[/MENTION].
Girls shouldn't be such a problem to find either, but what pool are you swimming in?
Suggestion, why don't you find a couple who are a bit kinky and would like a threesome? Ask if having sex with the woman is an option, though. Some men don't like to share.