I'm confused need a better understanding

[pellaz]

And I get anxiety about being gay because it's like everything I've wanted will be taken away from me

be anxiety free because the sad news being gay or straight relationships are mostly the same. nothing gets taken away from you. I still have the same straight male friends as i have always had when i was in a straight marriage. I have some great girl friends too. I still have the same aspirations in life. you can raise a family and have a functional career. go hunting, work on cars, vote republican and go to church.

Well I did not want to kiss him and I don't regret it I never care if I kiss a man in my life.

you need to get some experiences somehow? No one better to figure who you are than your self. Take pride who you are, give in a little to your self and explore.

I'm a guy who gets mote turned on sexually with men " only through porn and thoughts" even though i can have sex with men but when it comes to sex and love I want to be with a women.

gay or straight relationships are difficult to maintain. When things get bad, being able to lust for your partner is not a bad thing and may be the only thing holding the relationship together.
you have to get it together and know your on a path that exploited most or all of your skills. or carry a lot of garbage; like looking at crotches the rest of your life.