11-30-2011, 03:54 PM
Ok, i have a few questions for you:
1) How old are you, your BF and his ex?
2) Why did you bf and his ex breakup? (cheating, drugs, money?)
3) You mentioned the word "disability" - who is disabled and what form of disability?
4) You said when you talked to your BF about your feelings about his ex, that he told you that if you didn't like hanging with him, that he'd hang with him without you...but in your next post you say that he's been doing that anyway!
While i await your answers, i have a similar situation in my LTR. My partner has taken pity on his ex and continued to be a friend and supporter of his ex. Long storyshort, he broke up withhim after a domestic violence incident 2 years ago. A year later his ex was arrested and spent 2 months in jail...thoughout that time he would call and ask my BF for help - be it send him money in jail, get his mail, help wiht his dog, etc. WHile i kept quiet about things during his incarsuration, when he got out he asked if we could all "hang out" together and my BF thought it was a good idea because it would keep him away from the friends that he usually hung out with (annd did drugs and drank with). While i understood what he was asking, i told him that i felt it was 100% inappropriate that we "hang out." I have no illusions that my BF is 100% over his ex, he's just a kind man and dosn't want to see someone he cared for at one time, to be struggling.
I had to really sit my bf down and give him perspective on what he was asking me - and us as a couple. I told him that while i felt bad for what his ex was going thru, it was his poor choices that put him in this situation and that as long as he kept taking his phone calls and helping him, taht he'd continue to lean on him. Trust me, it isn't only about the "drama," he calls and texts my bf several times a week. I told my BF that if he continued to take his calls and reply to his texts that the frequency of calls and texts would increase - and they did. So finaly i just looked him in the eyes and said, "honey, i love you and have so much respect for you for all you've done for your ex, but he's never going to move on and mature if you're always there to make it better - and more than that, he's taking priority at times in OUR lives and that's not fair to me, you or US!
I then told him that if he didn't set the terms of their continued contact - that I WOULD! it wasn't an ultimatum, it was just the pure reality that he needed to know that there was a line he cound't cross!
It really hit home one day when we were at a friends house having a great time, and his ex called and he excused himself to take the call. Our friends asked me, "Who's calling Todd at 10pm on a friday nite that he would have to leave the room?" I had a feeling it was his ex, but i said, "not sure, ask him when he gets back."
Sure enough, he comes back, they ask him and he says, "It was daniel" (his ex). There was an akward silence, and finally one of the women in the room said, "Honey, i love you and i love Daniel, but how do you think it makes bob feel when you do that?" The conversation then focused on what was happening and he finally "got it" - and since then his ex only calls or texts once or twice a month.
So, the bottom line is this...when your BF is "choosing" to spend time with his ex over your objections and he's CHOOSING to ignore your feelings on the matter, then my friend, he's going to continue doing that - and more. Relationships are about compromise and thinking of the OTHER person - not just their own wants, needs and feelings.
Now, all that said, my position may change depending on how you answer the questions! I look forward to hearing your reply.
1) How old are you, your BF and his ex?
2) Why did you bf and his ex breakup? (cheating, drugs, money?)
3) You mentioned the word "disability" - who is disabled and what form of disability?
4) You said when you talked to your BF about your feelings about his ex, that he told you that if you didn't like hanging with him, that he'd hang with him without you...but in your next post you say that he's been doing that anyway!
While i await your answers, i have a similar situation in my LTR. My partner has taken pity on his ex and continued to be a friend and supporter of his ex. Long storyshort, he broke up withhim after a domestic violence incident 2 years ago. A year later his ex was arrested and spent 2 months in jail...thoughout that time he would call and ask my BF for help - be it send him money in jail, get his mail, help wiht his dog, etc. WHile i kept quiet about things during his incarsuration, when he got out he asked if we could all "hang out" together and my BF thought it was a good idea because it would keep him away from the friends that he usually hung out with (annd did drugs and drank with). While i understood what he was asking, i told him that i felt it was 100% inappropriate that we "hang out." I have no illusions that my BF is 100% over his ex, he's just a kind man and dosn't want to see someone he cared for at one time, to be struggling.
I had to really sit my bf down and give him perspective on what he was asking me - and us as a couple. I told him that while i felt bad for what his ex was going thru, it was his poor choices that put him in this situation and that as long as he kept taking his phone calls and helping him, taht he'd continue to lean on him. Trust me, it isn't only about the "drama," he calls and texts my bf several times a week. I told my BF that if he continued to take his calls and reply to his texts that the frequency of calls and texts would increase - and they did. So finaly i just looked him in the eyes and said, "honey, i love you and have so much respect for you for all you've done for your ex, but he's never going to move on and mature if you're always there to make it better - and more than that, he's taking priority at times in OUR lives and that's not fair to me, you or US!
I then told him that if he didn't set the terms of their continued contact - that I WOULD! it wasn't an ultimatum, it was just the pure reality that he needed to know that there was a line he cound't cross!
It really hit home one day when we were at a friends house having a great time, and his ex called and he excused himself to take the call. Our friends asked me, "Who's calling Todd at 10pm on a friday nite that he would have to leave the room?" I had a feeling it was his ex, but i said, "not sure, ask him when he gets back."
Sure enough, he comes back, they ask him and he says, "It was daniel" (his ex). There was an akward silence, and finally one of the women in the room said, "Honey, i love you and i love Daniel, but how do you think it makes bob feel when you do that?" The conversation then focused on what was happening and he finally "got it" - and since then his ex only calls or texts once or twice a month.
So, the bottom line is this...when your BF is "choosing" to spend time with his ex over your objections and he's CHOOSING to ignore your feelings on the matter, then my friend, he's going to continue doing that - and more. Relationships are about compromise and thinking of the OTHER person - not just their own wants, needs and feelings.
Now, all that said, my position may change depending on how you answer the questions! I look forward to hearing your reply.
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