01-17-2012, 05:58 AM
Oh gosh. Thanks for all the replies ya'll! (sorry I'm from the South...lol). It means a lot that you all gave great advice. I wish I could reply to each of you, but I'll do my best and hit some major points.
Well I did force myself to eat today, and I painted with a new oil paint set. Granted it was a rather grim picture, but I had to 'paint' my feelings out of me. I then ran around our university's walking path, then went back to finish the painting. I can say it has done a little bit of good, though not as much as I hoped. I still cannot muster emotion for anything, positive or negative. On the other hand, the feeling of emptiness is gone. Perhaps with a week of this paint and jog therapy I'll find my emotions in a painting lol.
East, Bowyn Aerrow, Zeon, etc: Thank you! I know that Richard is a snake for what he did, and that what he did was unforgivable. I don't know if I can. And were we not better friends, and if he had never done anything altruistic for me, I would drop him immediately, no questions asked. I have come to the decision to not drop him instantly, but give him a chance to hear him out. Why? Well in the past year he has: surprised me with various small things, mostly food, that he knows I like, listened to and kept all of my secrets (I know this because I have some huge ones and if he told anyone it would DEFINITELY get back to me), and has been there for me when nobody else has, and has helped me to become the person I am today (much better than a year ago, and he never forced such change. We were good influences on each other I guess). He has been the best friend I've had in college (I guess because we are both gay and friends we connect better than I do with my girl friends). So, for all of the good he has brought me, I will listen to him. My advantage is that I know when he's lying. If I feel he honestly did not set out to hurt me, if he did it out of carelessness, or if this G dude pushed himself on Richard, or anything similar, I'll think about forgiving him. But it will be a difficult road either way. The pain of losing him as a friend, if he is genuinely sorry, would be worse than the pain I'm going through now...if I felt any lol.
Spobyer: Thanks! I really hope it is a part of the grievingn proccess. I'm only worried because even Madonna, my idol (I was born in the wrong decade) can't even make me feel anything, or rather, her music can't. I'm sure that's reason to be worried!
Everyone else: Thanks again for the help. Just having people to talk to it about makes things a lot better. I think of Richard and G together and I just can't even feel anger. I mean I was furious at him, especially for telling me on my birthday (did I mention that in my post?).
On an interesting side note, he and I went working out a few hours after he told me. I was so angry, hurt, devastated, and in pure anguish that my thoughts just seemed to stop. We were on the treadmills and I was looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He looked just fine. And I thought back to his first defense "Garrett makes me really happy", and something in me just flipped. And all the sudden, I reached down to increase the speed on the treadmill and there was a bright blue flash and a pop of electric charge and the entire machine just broke down. Somehow, I fried the computer inside the treadmill. I got stares from everyone around me, who thought that the machine shocked me, but it was the other way around. After that, I felt exhausted, and all my emotions just left. Do with that story what you will. I've never been one to belief firmly in telekinetic or psychic abilities. But that shock was powerful enough to break a machine that weighed four times as much as me. I don't know. Maybe I need to run on more treadmills lol.
Anyways, thanks guys, and goodnight!
Well I did force myself to eat today, and I painted with a new oil paint set. Granted it was a rather grim picture, but I had to 'paint' my feelings out of me. I then ran around our university's walking path, then went back to finish the painting. I can say it has done a little bit of good, though not as much as I hoped. I still cannot muster emotion for anything, positive or negative. On the other hand, the feeling of emptiness is gone. Perhaps with a week of this paint and jog therapy I'll find my emotions in a painting lol.
East, Bowyn Aerrow, Zeon, etc: Thank you! I know that Richard is a snake for what he did, and that what he did was unforgivable. I don't know if I can. And were we not better friends, and if he had never done anything altruistic for me, I would drop him immediately, no questions asked. I have come to the decision to not drop him instantly, but give him a chance to hear him out. Why? Well in the past year he has: surprised me with various small things, mostly food, that he knows I like, listened to and kept all of my secrets (I know this because I have some huge ones and if he told anyone it would DEFINITELY get back to me), and has been there for me when nobody else has, and has helped me to become the person I am today (much better than a year ago, and he never forced such change. We were good influences on each other I guess). He has been the best friend I've had in college (I guess because we are both gay and friends we connect better than I do with my girl friends). So, for all of the good he has brought me, I will listen to him. My advantage is that I know when he's lying. If I feel he honestly did not set out to hurt me, if he did it out of carelessness, or if this G dude pushed himself on Richard, or anything similar, I'll think about forgiving him. But it will be a difficult road either way. The pain of losing him as a friend, if he is genuinely sorry, would be worse than the pain I'm going through now...if I felt any lol.
Spobyer: Thanks! I really hope it is a part of the grievingn proccess. I'm only worried because even Madonna, my idol (I was born in the wrong decade) can't even make me feel anything, or rather, her music can't. I'm sure that's reason to be worried!
Everyone else: Thanks again for the help. Just having people to talk to it about makes things a lot better. I think of Richard and G together and I just can't even feel anger. I mean I was furious at him, especially for telling me on my birthday (did I mention that in my post?).
On an interesting side note, he and I went working out a few hours after he told me. I was so angry, hurt, devastated, and in pure anguish that my thoughts just seemed to stop. We were on the treadmills and I was looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He looked just fine. And I thought back to his first defense "Garrett makes me really happy", and something in me just flipped. And all the sudden, I reached down to increase the speed on the treadmill and there was a bright blue flash and a pop of electric charge and the entire machine just broke down. Somehow, I fried the computer inside the treadmill. I got stares from everyone around me, who thought that the machine shocked me, but it was the other way around. After that, I felt exhausted, and all my emotions just left. Do with that story what you will. I've never been one to belief firmly in telekinetic or psychic abilities. But that shock was powerful enough to break a machine that weighed four times as much as me. I don't know. Maybe I need to run on more treadmills lol.
Anyways, thanks guys, and goodnight!
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