Why doesn't my partner want to have sex? How can I make him want it more?

[princealbertofb]

I'm 33, gay and married to a wonderful man. He is the loveliest creature on the planet, and I love him deeply. We have sex 2-3 times a week on average, and I would love to do it more often. I wouldn't mind doing it every day. My partner is very flirtatious and charming, but he is often holding back sex. Sometimes he says he is not in the mood. But many times he says he is not in the mood, it looks like he is in the mood, but he doesn't want to admit it. He loves to tease me and he makes me work extra hard for sex. He's quite wild in the bedroom, if I just get to "conquer" him. I have had this fantasy of tieing him to the bed (hands and feet) and covering his eyes (and then lick him all over), but he doesn't want that. Is there any way I can make him want that? Why wouldn't he give it a try?

I am 100% sure my partner isn't cheating. He isn't holding back kisses and cuddling. He is only holding back sex. I've been worrying a lot lately if I'm not pleasing him sexually. We don't practice anal sex, and none of us like it.

How come I have so much more sex drive than my partner? How can I convince him to have more sex? How can I know what I am doing wrong that makes him refuse me?

Ace, I think you should sit your man down and have a talk with him. It is quite possible for two people to have very different sex drives. As Matty mentioned, sometimes a lower sex drive comes from being on certain medications, such as antidepressants, to name one possible source.

I'm not sure that you can impose your fantasy on anyone, especially if it's a rather specific fantasy like tying someone up. I don't think I'd try this one out unless you were both consenting. Being tied up can be a very unpleasant feeling for some people, I guess. Maybe you need to question him on why he doesn't want to be tied up... Would you be ready to be tied up like this? Maybe he'll agree to try having sex with you while you're tied up... Would you? This again, ought to be talk about, maybe ahead of time... Something along the lines of: "How would you feel about tying me up and licking me all over?" should get you the sort of answer that you are looking for to go ahead with it but if he still refuses, it may be because he sees it as degrading or because there is some sort of fear about that fantasy. You can't make him if he doesn't want to and breaking that rule would certainly break the trust that is between you, so I would not advise doing it to him when he was not aware of it.

I think, if you believe that he's holding back on sex, maybe you could tell him that's how you feel. I can't quite understand why he would be holding back, if you both wanted it. Maybe he genuinely prefers the snuggling and tenderness to the actual act of sex. Or maybe he's a bit of a control freak and likes to keep you begging; Maybe it's just a game? Maybe he's not processed what vitality there is in unleashing his sexual self... May I ask how old your boyfriend is, and whether there is an age difference?

As for doing anything wrong, maybe you aren't doing anything wrong. Maybe your husband sees nothing wrong with the way you treat him sexually. What makes you say or think that you aren't pleasuring him enough or correctly? I would suggest that you make it clear to him that you would be willing to try some new stuff with him if he had certain fantasies. Have you tried watching porn together and discussing what you both find hot and arousing? You might ask him if he'd like you to do some of the things you see in porn to him (or you might read this out of a book like the Guide of Sex for gay men). Are you two, both into sex toys, if you are not into anal sex?

I think that if you were to drop a few hints about more sex, he might catch on to them... something like reading up on what could make your sex life more inventive and thrilling. Have a book about gay sex by the bedside and read it. He'll probably want to know what you're discovering by reading this. Would you say that 'wild' means inventive when it comes to sex with your boyfriend or does it just mean energetic?
These are all the aspects of this question that I can think about for the moment. Take care in the meantime, and try to appreciate what you've already got.