Emotional Crashing

[zippyBox]

I hate to make such a winded post so shortly after registering, but I'm hoping I can gain a little insight from some experienced people...

Well, my boyfriend and i (21 and 23, respectively) have been together for three weeks officially now. The most we've ever done together was give each other handies (only 1 to completion) and been with each other in the same room when we...yeah (I'm not sure how explicit I can be here). He's extremely modest, but gets really horny when we get into it. After he's done, he has an intense emotional crash (post coital tristesse?) and it really worries me, because the time i finished him, he said things afterwards like he didn't deserve to be in a relationship, and that he took advantage of me, and a bunch of skewed stuff. He was even on the verge of crying. He's told me that he even feels like this after he's by himself sometimes.

I don't think he'd appreciate me posting all of this online for the world to see, but if it makes any difference, and I'm sure it does, he's a virgin and has never been with a guy before me. He is Mexican and a fairly faithful catholic, too.

I have a feeling that this whole thing stems from not fully accepting himself, and his religious background, but I'd like to get some input. Is this temporary, or something that will have to be dealt with?

[Nick9]

Hi zippy,
I think you answered your question yourself.
And if it goes away "on its own" or not.. I doubt anyone can tell you this. I believe it will, but I don't think that it will happen "just like that." I think that both you and him will need to mentally work on this. I don't believe in going to a therapist, simply because I am too afraid to trust people I don't know nothing about. But that's just me, maybe it would help you.

I would say that you will have to show him that it is your choice to be with him, because you see a wonderful person in him. It is your choice, and he can't take advantage of you, because you are strong enough and wouldn't let that happen. And that from all those people around you, you chose him, because... (fill in)

He needs to know that it is you coming to him and not him dragging you somewhere. You will need to show him and keep telling him that he is good enough, and a relationship is not about "deserving."
Maybe he is not okay with being gay yet. You know, all that "God forbids that..." stuff. Search the forum, you will find many useful discussions and posts on this theme (many are just a month or two old, you don't need to dig much).

I would say he is very unsure and will need a lot of your love and patience and assurance about how you feel about him. It's nice to see that you care

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Zippy I'm the king of Wall of Text - you, not even close :tongue:

I think his problem is his guilt - that Catholic guilt tied in with perhaps cultural guilt. There may also be personal guilt as well.

This won't just 'go away' He will have to work on it.

The best you can do is be loving and supporting and tell him he's ok and there is nothing to be guilty about.

IF it is religious guilt, he most likely needs a bit of bible study to help him get over some of the programming

http://christianteens.about.com/od/whatt...sexual.htm
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm

Are good places to start.

Breaking through a life of dogma and doctrine isn't going to be easy.

There are many sites out there that discuss the 8 'anti-gay' verses and many explain the alternative interpretations with links and sources and explanations that the Church has failed to pursue because the Church has its own Agenda.

If he has a strong faith, then maybe consider finding a Gay friendly church.

http://www.gaychurch.org/
List: http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/f...church.htm

One thing you will find at a gay affirming church is other LGBT who have a strong faith and have most likely wrestled with the demos the Church as thrown in their way.

Seeing a gay couple, or even getting to know them and seeing them have a loving, faith based relationship will most likley have a far greater positive impact on how he views himself, relationships and God.

[sonofthemanse]

If he isn't already familiar with this saint, introduce him to St Aelred of Rievaulx. It might help to dispel some guilt. Hope everything gets sorted out!

[zippyBox]

thank you for all the info. I really do appreciate the consideration you've shown me! Thanks for the advice nick9, It's very helpful. And thank you for the links bowyn aerrow, those are things that even I got use out of. Sonofthemanse, I've never heard of that saint but I'll do my research. Thanks!

[GayDatingExpert]

Mmmm it sounds as though you have your work cut out for you with him, are you prepared for the long journey ahead?