I technically came out in August three days before I moved across the country to be with my girlfriend. Awkward three days full of packing and parents crying and telling me I'm going to hell but they love me anyway and I can come back whenever I want. As the months have passed, my dad has not accepted it as a good thing but resigned himself to the fact that I'm gay, probably because his sister is. I asked if I could bring her home for a week vacation to get to know them and for them to get to know her. My dad instantly said yes, details haven't been discussed, but I think he's just open to anything that will "bring me home" and therefore to the church.
Mom on the other hand, is completely and utterly depressed about it, and I feel horrible about it. I'm an only child, adopted because she couldn't have kids, and she's a very black and white person, and she has multiple sclerosis. Degenerative brain diesease, essentially. She's totally pissed off at me and doesn't want me to come home with my girlfriend, doesn't want to hear about her, barely even wants me home I'm pretty sure. The reason that I picked the specific week to come visit was because it's her birthday week, and I wanted to be there for her. So I'm hurt. And yeah, I know people say parents don't matter, or that you can't put your self esteem in them, and I'm not relying on them emotionally, but they are my parents, and I love them, and I don't know how to get her to see that this is who I am and that I'm happy, and that she would love my girlfriend if she just got to know her.
So...help?
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The best advice that I can think of is to give your parents particularly your mom some time. Like it or not, finding your son/daughter to be gay is sort of a culture shock. Some parents can accept it instantly with open arms. Some parents take time. Some, well ... let's not go there.
Maybe you can discuss with your dad regarding to the situation. I know that you dad is more open minded but it doesn't hurt to educate him further on gay subject. Tell your dad that being gay is not a choice and you are still her same ol' daughter.
Once he gets the total picture, ask your dad to talk to your mom. Hopefully he can open her heart.
I wish your girlfriend and you the best.
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I am willing to bet your mother has a very different agenda than most parents. Enjoy you mother as much as possible, you be the one that transcends the religion, moral dilemmas but concentrates on the family. Your dad will need some serious hand holding.
If your partner comes along have a plan B where you guys can stay. Think of activities you two can do to get her away from the rents. Limit the amount of time you spend, this is your first visit. and finally you spent your whole life figuring out where what your love is, cant expect your family to jump on board immediately and in a pre determined manor.
everything in SLC has a sugar coating which when scratched makes a big mess. Especially if the religion you talk about is say Mormon; where its more than a religion but a community.
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Help with what?
There is a process, more often than not associated with grief, but the same/similar steps and processes take place with lots of things.
The Stages of Grief include Denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Not necessarily in any one order for the first 4, and even when acceptance is initially reached, the person can go back and go through the other stages again to once again reach acceptance.
The real problem here is that three days before you left you dropped this bomb, and didn't give them time to process and run through these things.
Mom is in depression, dad is in bargaining perhaps bordering on acceptance. Things appear to be moving smoothly along, albeit slowly to you, but in their own comfortable pace for themselves.
We have to remember that our parents made huge plans for us even before we were born. Rarely does any parent picture the future of a same gender couple, instead they stick with traditional mixed gender ideals, with a big fat white wedding, 2.5 grand kids, a good job, a great income, a huge house with a white picket fence and the kid living the life the parent always wanted for themselves.
Then we come along and drop this huge bomb - killing their dreams of this 'perfect life' for their kid - in essence we kill their fantasy. It is a loss, a huge loss for many who have lived with this dream of what their kid(s) will be. It is a death - of sorts, and they need time to recover, to grieve and run through the process of accepting and moving on.
It can take months, years, some times decades before acceptance is reached. You just have to be a bit more patient and a little understanding and be prepared to deal with bargaining, and denial and anger and depression on the road to acceptance.
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and telling me I'm going to hell but they love me anyway
That isn't love...it is hate.
I don't think religion gives people an excuse...or a pass...to practice hate.
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Hello,
Firstly im sorry to hear about your mums illnesses that she is suffering from... Now with regards to parents accepting it is good to see that your dad has accepted it and understands but to be honest when it comes to family family should be happy for those who are happy in themselves whether they are with a man or a woman.. Now the problem with religion is overtime the book of life as i call it has been written and preached in different ways throughout time... The problem lies with the fact that it preaches to love one another basically on equal turns. The best thing to do is sit down with your mum and explain to her that you being a lesbian isnt a sin despite popular beliefs especially in a church... It is a way of life and if life is a gift then being a lesbian is a gift as being hetrosexual is also a gift being able to create life from life... The reason homosexuals exist is because it is natures way of controlling population and to be honest it is all down to the genetic build up as a baby is being developed.. It has always existed since man and woman have been created and it is only society which has shunned on this behaviour in certain parts of the world..
I know your mother is pissed off about this whole girlfriend situation but you have the right to be happy in life and i am sure you want to feel complete... Explain to your mother that you want to feel as though you are able to get some support within life and surely asking for a mothers support is nothing bad whether your hetrosexual or homosexual.. I think after some serious heart to heart and possibly a play on the preachings within the book of life it will help adapt you both to a common ground which needs to be found however disowning and ignoring isnt an option but eitherway a mother must support through motherly instincts given in life and learn to love the person for who they are not what they are if they cannot accept something which is actually reasonably simple.
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon
Gayspeak agony aunt
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Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs to you - it must be so hard. You clearly love your mum, and that love will conquer everything in the end.
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Hi kitflemming, welcome to GS 
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Your mother is just going through the process.
You have to give her time.
Best advice I can give you , is be there for her birthday.
Make the trip home with your girlfriend.
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It takes time, so TRY at least not to worry too much.
Both my parents are religous and it took them a fair time to get used to the idea.
I was able to break it fairly gently and takes things in stages.
You've not had that luxury, so it may be harder for both and your parents, but it will happen.
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Religious stubborn parents
