Boy Do I Need Some Advice And Encouragement from the Community

[RegularNiceGuy]

So I posted here about my situation before, but felt I got a lot of crticism in response. Some of it was harsh. But Im in need of some advice and encouragement so I thought I'd reach out again to people who might be able to understand and sympathize.

My boyfriend broke up with me in November. He met an older guy (hes 28, Im 30, this guy is 43) down in Florida in 2010 and we broke up for 6 weeks but he came back. He maintained some contact with him throughout 2011. After coming back from Florida n late October, we had a fight and he broke up with me. A few months later we spoke and he told me he was moving to Florida at the end of 2012, and he was quitting his state job and he has just given up on everything up here in Massachusetts.

So the first 3 months I was okay. I went to the gym, I started a part time job, I was motivated, I lost 20 lbs. But when we spoke and he told me all his news plans, it hit me that he wasnt coming home this time.

Ive been broken hearted ever since and a day doesnt go by when I dont start crying. All the memories that we shared flash in my head and I really feel like I lost someone, like death. I have started to see a counselor but that doesnt really help.

Logically, I know I should be angry at him. After all, we had spoken of marriage and starting buying a vacation home together and we spoke often about how we were happy with what we had. Now it seems that the lingering doubt that he had has come to the surface and hes willing to dump everything him and I had for this man.

I have fear. On one hand, I know that this may not work out. But my ex is a survivor and I know if he goes down there he will make it work, even if hes unhappy. But I also fear that this could actually be really good for him and might actually be a better life for him. Hes a partier and a drinker and although he tried to settle down with me and got a good job and stuff, now this option is presenting itself and hes going to take it. I fear we will never be together again, and its a very real scenario and it hurts so much.

Hes contacted me a couple times via text and I amswer with short answer. Hes asks how Im doing and I say Im doing great. He texted me at 1am like 2 weeks ago asking where I was and what I was doing. And I felt like maybe he was reaching out and having some regrets or uncertainities. But in reality, it was probably a booty call. And it never came to fruition.

So on Monday I got some mail from the whitewater rafting place we went and it brought back a load of memories so I texted him and said "I wish my husband would come home. I really miss him." And unfortunately, he didnt respond. He did text me yesterday and wish me luck on my corrections officer exam.

I called and left him a message today and said I cant keep contact. I cant call or text because my heart is breaking and I really wish he would come home. I said that I miss him and my family misses him but I need to concentrate on my new boyfriend because its unfair to him that I am thinking about my ex. I told him if he ever felt like he wanted to see if we could work things out I would be open to it but since I am seeing someone, the time is slowly fading to do so.

I am just very heart broken. I know some cynics on here may say "grow some balls and get over it" but its easier said than done. I spent almost everyday with him for the last 8 years of my life. I really feel abandoned and lost. Ive posted on "straight" relationship sites but I think gay relationships are different than straight ones.

I just keep questioning whats going to happen. Is he going to find the love of his life in this older man and I never hear from him again? Or will it not work out and he will come crawling back after learning the grass is not always greener on the other side.

UGH... anybody have any encouraging words?

[dfiant]

You are basing your happiness and your life around something that doesn't exist.

You are in the wrong headspace, you need to focus on you and not him.

It is not the slightest bit cynical to say 'grow some balls', it's a reality, you have to do that, no of ir but's about it. You are living a fairy tale life that will only lead to your self destruction while everyone around you flourishes, and what do people who are flourishing end up doing to people living a fairy tale and wollowing in self pity???

[pellaz]

... and he was quitting his state job and he has just given up on everything up here in Massachusetts ... Hes a partier and a drinker and although he tried to settle down with me and got a good job and stuff, now this option is presenting itself and hes going to take it. I fear we will never be together again ...

Now really, by your own very words the old situation sounds bad.

you need to concentrate on your self, like the gym. what are you going to do next. come up with something. tell us what is next for YOU.

[Pix]

If you've been close like that for 8 years then you need time to get over it. It will hurt like hell almost constantly for months, and then for a year or so after it will come and go, and quite possibly for the rest of your life you may feel pain (maybe a bittersweet pain or maybe just pain) when you think of him, and when you've done so much together for so long it will be all too easy to think of him. And I've known straight men and women who have experienced this hell as well.

When I had to experience this (a sudden end to an almost 5 year relationship) I handled it by throwing myself into my work and hobbies to minimize my dwelling on it. It was very hard however, and for the first few months I was devastated and depressed (and I don't do depressed), but then it slowly started getting easier. For those first few months I couldn't do much of anything because my automatic reaction was to wonder what she'd think when I told her or what she'd do only to realize again the question was purely academic as she was no longer there for me.

Once the pain starts to fade, and you're reasonably confident that you're not overloaded with baggage from the last relationship, you can find comfort in someone new, even if it's not a serious relationship (at least not at first). Beware of making anyone a rebound guy (unless a guy WANTS to be a rebound guy, in which case I've heard it's sometimes good, sometimes not). And be advised that if you lose your sobriety you risk losing your dignity.

Right after my break up a handful of women made their interest in me known but I turned them away and told them I'd get in touch when I was ready, because I simply couldn't handle it then. It was months later before I was willing to even think about anything like that, and then I had to take it very slow (at least emotionally). I do think it helped me to get over it faster, but even so it was many more months before I think I "got over it." Even so it can, from time to time, still hurt, though at least these days (3 years later) I can sometimes even enjoy remembering us.

So I hope you believe me when I say I know you're in hell now, but it does get better.

[Rainbowmum]

There is not much more I can add to the advice above.
You have to give yourself time to get over all of this, and it won't happen in five minutes.
It time for to rebuild your life and focus on yourself.

[pellaz]

your doing ok, I would stop answering back on the X's texts, emails tho.
the gym was excellent, what is next? a date?