In a relationship with a girl but confused(This will be quite a long message sorry)

[MetalMonster]

This is my first post and it is a long and difficult one I am affraid I am in a very difficult and confused place even filling out the registration process was difficult as none of the I am definitions quite placed me mile: The title spells out the basics I am in a relationship with a girl but am currently very conflicted and confused. I need to write out my entire situation and hear the thoughts of people who have been through similar experiences. I may get slightly explicit but I aim for it never to be vulgar I just need full disclousure. I guess you and the administrators will have to decide if I go too far.

I am 24, currently confused about myself and my sexuality and am having to confront myself. For atleast 5 years I have been confused about my sexuality, from only masturbating to straight porn I one day noticed transsexual porn and it excited me like I hadn't been excited for a while with straight porn. Since this date I have masturbated to straight/bi/transsexual/gay porn at one time or another especially transsexual porn finding the very feminine looking girls attractive as I could tell myself at least they look like women and often the straight porn has been connected with thoughts and attempts to convince myself I am not having these feelings and they aren't real. One of the main desires I have is to be the reciever of sex(a bottom or passive I think is the terminology used) I am not a particularly dominering guy in any part of my life and I just feel like I want to be made love to(for want of a better descriptor that would be censored). Usually when I give in and masterbate to the things I want to I am thinking of a cock, me pleasuring it and then it servicing me internally but this is not the case all the time.

In the real world I have always known I was a little bit different I'm not in to sports, I'm not particularly boistrous or forceful. I see girls' beauty but I have never seen a girl who pushed me past those fears of rejection you have to over come to try and pull. Whereas I often get urges to just kiss a guy when talking to them. Through shame denial and an unwillingness to believe my feelings I hid it from myself and the world and remained a virgin in everyway except for a few kisses with girls until recently.

I met a girl who is beautiful, incredible and loves me for everything I am as far as I can tell. She made most of the initial moves and that is how I got with her. I don't think my interest in her -which was definitly there - would have overcome my usual fears and doubts to get with her, at least not as quickly as it happened.

While spending time with her I feel great and we have the best time. I love hugging, kissing and cuddling her or just lying with her naked. We fool around frequently and I enjoy it. She has given me blowjobs were I have cum and we had sex alot. I just love making her feel good. So it is more than just a true platonic friendship but when it comes to my sexual satisfaction that is were the issues and doubts come in. I have climaxed most times with her but often with some mental effort on my part convincing myself how good the situation is and how much I want this but I don't know how much that was connected to the fears and doubts making my head be in the wrong place. Other times it just worked and was fantastic and the longer I was with her the more the doubts died down but I was still having them and was still supressing things. I only had issues with penetration on a few occasions usually when there were other problems like being ill etc. I guess I just always thought that once I was in love which I definitely am on some level the doubts and confusion would leave and it would just feel right.

Currently we are apart and can only communicate on skype and facebook and things. For the first month the doubts went away alot and it was definetly a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. I was masturbating to alot more straight porn, noticing girls more and thinking of sex with her alot often feeling more like I was cheating on her when I masturbated more than anything else. Then it changed, very suddenly I got crippling guilty pit of the stomach feelings. These have destroyed me I have been unable to sleep properly or eat much for days I have not been able to do anything because when I do sit and do very little I can't settle down and when I start something it doesn't distract me enough. I eventually settled on this feeling being a need to be completely honest with myself and explore who I am as I have never really done that. This caused me to tell my girlfriend everything, we had already had some discussions about me having feelings for guys but I don't think I ever admitted how deep it runs to myself or her. She has been incredible saying that she still wants to stay in touch, be in my life, and see me again even if we can't be in a relationship and we just stay friends. In some ways how great she is being is making it harder. However having her there is a comfort as she is still a rock for me but I am scared that she is not fully accepting the situation and hopes that it will all go away.

I have to confront my emotions, figuring out if being with a guy is what I want. As I have never acted on any of these feelings I don't know how I will feel in the real world. After telling her everything I told my parents about the feelings I have been having, they are amazing and have always been very supporting, so they are providing the base of my comfort blanket but I need to find the way to carry on as I am still very tortured and can't carry on like this. I don't know what to do as a next step. I feel it would be a mistake to run out to a Gay Bar grab a guy I thought was attractive and go for it as I really don't think it would sort out anything and would just add extra issues. Since I have started to confront all these emotions attraction to women has come back in some ways so I know that my feelings are not cut and dry, gay or straight, as is true for all of life. I am somewhere on the curve, I am just very confused and until I fully figure out myself I can't be true to who I am with, be it a girl or a guy.

So this is sort of my first out reach step. As it is relatively anonymous and no one in my life I haven't yet told will find out until I am ready. I would very much appreciate any comments you feel you can provide. I am sure many of you have gone through similar situations and feelings. It would be great to know how you got through it and where you ended up.

To anyone who got all the way through this Thank you for listening to my problems. It is more than I should ever really expect from strangers. Any help and advice will help me through this difficult time.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello MetalMonster,
First let me say welcome to GaySpeak.

I am so relieved you have such wonderful support around you.
This will make you journey of discovery so much easier.

There are a few members here , that have gone through what you are going through.
And I am sure they will be with you shortly.

Regarding your girlfriend , do not let her get her hopes up .
It is important you specify the rules of your new situation , so both of you can continue to be friends without guilt or unrealistic expectations.
And please do not go picking a stranger up in a gay bar , it's not the safest thing to do.
Your confusion will work it's self out.
Hang in there.

We are all here for you.

[Anonymous]

Hello and welcome.

You know, at least you have support and a choice. Your thoughts during sex sound familiar, but I am too scared of losing what I have here, that I won't post my answer using my account and nick.

I think about and picture two guys making love during my intimate moments so that I would feel something. I crave to be a top. I want to pleasure myself the way I want. Easy you say? Not with the body of a woman...
And there is nothing I can do about it. And I can tell no one. Those thought and this wonderful forum is everything I can have right now.
Confused? How about this - I finally feel true and like myself here at GS but I am terrified that if I say the truth aloud, they will all reject me and push me away.
Because honestly, what I am? Gay hidden in woman? Even God can't have this kind of sense of humor.

Enjoy your search and choice. You can easily like both, men and women, but not both at the same time. You can have periods of feeling gay, following straight months or years.

Don't be confused and don't feel broken. Enjoy your choice!

[MetalMonster]

Thank you for all the views and replies just having people listen to my problems is a big help in a difficult time.

Anonymous, geez I feel like a douche, here I am whinning that I have something amazing but I don't know if it is right, when you are dealing with so much more. But such is the human condition, our feelings are so much more than any other persons could be. 'They could never be feeling as much or more as I am right now'. I am so glad you have at least found one place where you can be yourself and hope that you can have so much more than that in the future.

Through alot of time chatting to my family and reading things on the internet I feel I am starting to find my feet. There are definitly alot of issues I am facing and that is why I am so confused and conflicted. I don't feel ready to voice some of those issues to you guys yet but I think in time I will come here and say more as you are obviously an amazing bunch of people.

Please keep on posting, every little nugget and view point helps, as it just helps me see so many more perspectives and views of the world.

Thank you again to all of you. No matter what I decide I will definitly stay with GS as long as you'll have me because this is obviously a very friendly and caring environment and I hope I can be a worthy participant in this community.

[pellaz]

... I just love making her feel good. So it is more than just a true platonic friendship

Be careful the girls have a slight tendency to get pregnant. Guys have a slightly higher rate of HIV/STD transmission. And the ladies are not a ticket to be disease free. Dont assume your partner has the situation in hand. This is a good time to get tested and get some info on transmission rates vs test accuracy, how the stuff moves from one person to the next. Condemns, lube and toys are fun to shop for. Finally always do a condom, think how bad you would feel to infect someone much less your personal situation.

... I feel it would be a mistake to run out to a Gay Bar grab a guy I thought was attractive and go for it as I really don't think it would sort out anything and would just add extra issues. ...

You are so much a guy; always looking for THE solution. Maybe go to a bar like anyone else because you want to have a good time.

... I need to find the way to carry on as I am still very tortured and can't carry on like this. I don't know what to do as a next step ...

If your area has a LGBT center ( http://www.glbtcolorado.org ) concept, volunteer as say a front desk receptionist. If your city has a gay bro neighborhood hang out there more for whatever. Get an idea what the culture is. Gay men do not fit any particular stereo type despite how the media has spent years trying to build one. Make a mental list what a guy would bring to the table so the relationship would add up to more than just two.

... One day noticed transsexual porn and it excited me ... One of the main desires I have is to be a bottom or passive ... Met a girl who is beautiful ... Figuring out if being with a guy is what I want ...

There is more to being very gay with a man than the sex. You have to be able to carry on a relationship. You can always get your self off so porn; gay or straight or bi is choreographed to sell well to a broad market and is not a good indicator of who you are other than a horny 24 year old. That said; for a relationship to work you have to like the taste of your partners cum, and the feel of him in you.


-your honesty with the people around you is awesome. You are a great person for it.
-most of the guys here would give a lot for the acceptance/ love you have from your family and friends.
-finally welcome to gayspeak, hope this in some small way helps and you stay here to give something back to the community.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Don't play sports, no interest in sports.... Hmm....

I did play sports, injuries prevent me from playing tackle football any more (American football) but I loved the game. I also liked (not loved) playing hard ball and softball. I loved to camp, backpack, hunt, fish.... all of those stereotypical 'manly man' things.

I guess that means I'm straight.

Wait, I play violin. Violin is a gay instrument, right? That must make up for my secret love of tackling sweaty, overheated guys all chasing a ball and wanting to tackle the guy with the ball.... I guess football may be gay at that.

It is just homosexuality, you are making it homoSEXuality - heavy on the sex.

I can understand the confusion. The media and our society have focused on fudgepacking, salad tossing, tea baggin... Wait being a tea bagger is respectable to the conservatives now.... :o and other sexual acts for so long that they have no idea how complex and all encompassing of so many other emotions that sexuality really is.

Sexuality is not black and white either. The majority of so called 'gay' people out there are in reality closeted bisexuals, they are identifying as 'gay' because they are currently with a person of the same gender. And too many bisexuals also identify as 'straight' when they are with a person of the other gender... It makes things far easier since society forces this false notion that you are either gay or straight, leaving no room for bisexual.

Society has this all or none value applied to sex acts. If you ever had your dick sucked by another guy you are gay. Doesn't matter if the other 1568 lovers you have had sucking away were women, just one male on male encounter makes you gay.

I think one of the issues here, at least in your rendering of your tale, is that you got addicted to porn. You started out with straight porn and built up a tolerance so started looking for other forms of sex - more wild and imaginative porn in order to reach the same amount of excitement that in your earlier days, simple straight porn had for you.

Guilt when masturbating tells me that there is something else going on. You are having issues with the masturbating, seeing it as cheating. A new form of guilt which may actually be signalling that you are actually beginning to see that you have a problem - an addiction and the real guilt is being transposed to this 'I'm cheating' notion because the thought of being an addict is either outside of your sphere of understanding, or just to sensitive for you to touch upon.

From what you wrote, I get a strong impression you spend a lot of time looking at porn and are looking for wilder/hotter sex acts to meet that need/excitement/satisfaction you once had.

The only hint of homosexuality in your post is that you see some guys and want to kiss them. I have no idea what a kiss means to you. For me a kiss is sort of a vow, a promise of love, relationship, commitment, blah. Not just the prelude to sex. If a kiss means the same thing to you, then chances are that there is a gay side to you, a gay man screaming to get out and be with a man in more than just a sexual way.

The solution is time and exploring yourself, peeling away the layers as you peer deeper into your own soul.

No one can do that for you.

I would not advise throwing yourself into a gay bar in hopes to pick up a hot looking man to have sex with. SEX alone doesn't not mean your gay, it only means you are sexual.

[Nick9]

Hi MetalMonster, welcome to the forum

I wish I could give you some advice. But I think that you have the most important thing - the support of your loved ones. You only need time. It is possible that it is just curiosity - which is fine! Nobody says you need to marry a guy. You are probably bi, or straight. Many straight people want to experiment. I don't know if that's making them bi and I don't really care.
Enjoy your life and try not to hurt the others. Your gf should know that you are not suddenly repeled by her. I think that that would hurt her more that the fact that you don't want to be her boyfriend. Refusing to be her friend could be humiliating for her.
Enjoy your life and stay safe. You are welcome here even if you find out that girls are the best for you

[MetalMonster]

Alright Bowyn Aerrow, where are the hidden cameras? and when did they finally invent mind reading. What channel is MetalMonster the reality T.V. show on, maybe with the outside perspective I could get a better insight:biggrin:

Everything you have said is definitly where my voyage of self discovery(which I know has just begun) has led me to thinking. From research and lots of talking, I reached the same thoughts on masturbation that you picked up on. These were the issues I aluded to before that I wasn't ready to post about. I definetly have an issue there that needs addressing before I can deal with the other issues as it clouds everything. I am going to seek professional help for this as it is clearly a very complex problem and I will need support but any of you guys' aid and support is just as important to me so keep posting your thoughtsmile:.

I am well aware this isn't a quick fix or a magic I'm not gay button and those other issues need to be faced in time. I still obviously have very complex sexuality issues. With the emotional and other areas of a relationship, that are so important, I don't know whether I could get that with a man as I have never tried. I do know that the girl I am with gives me that stuff currently. It is by no means sure or definite in my mind and I am not closing my mind to anything, I maybe homosexual (or a homosexual leaning bisexual would maybe be a better term) or a heterosexual leaning bisexual but with those other issues I don't think I can know anytime soon. I definitly agree with you that I have made alot of this about being a ...SEXual and had bad ideas about how a relationship should and would be in realtion to this as this is my first.

Currently with the girl I am being completly honest (for better or worse) and am working hard all the time to never string her along or give her false hope but she maybe getting that from just sticking around and me still wanting things from her support etc., if you understand what I mean.

She has her choices to make too and she has to live with the consiquences of her choices as we all do but causing her more pain is the last thing I could ever want. I can only try and make sure I am as clear and open as possible about where I am at, so I never unitentionally give false hope but I still do want to have a realtionship of some kind with her even if it is just friends (but obviously she may say she could cope with that but living it is different). All I know is I can't give her up completly at the moment.

Thank you again to all of you. I will continue to post in here with my progression and I hope that some of you will continue to have an interest mile:. This has been as bigger help as anything to me.

[MetalMonster]

Sorry the one other thing I wanted to pick up on was the 'attraction to guys' thing. I think alot of what I have felt towards guys that desire for a kiss has been a lust, a desire for sexual gratification and an artificial sense of closeness to someone that I think is the route of alot of peoples mistakes and cheating etc. I don't think I have ever really thought about a relationship with a man except when facing the fears of feelings of lust I have had adn trying to think could if that is who I am sexually. I need to explore this further in myself and like I say the main thing I am trying to do is not close or narrow my mind on a solution as that will just allow for the raising of issues in the future which I am sure will come on and off anyway.

[princealbertofb]

Really interesting analysis from Bowyn... What do you think of it, MetalMonster?