Im too angry

[Anonymous]

Hi all.
I need some help and advice on how to controll my anger. Can anyone give me some techniques for when i feel anger brewing to stop it?

It can be anything that sets me off... from being ignored to someone speaking to me in a tone that i dont like.
Untill now i have refused to accept it as a problem and i always blamed others saying they make me angry. I really want to get it sorted and i have tried my own ways to deter my angry emotions from coming out but it only lasts a week or two then i explode again.

For example... i went to an appointment i had for an operation and because i was in the waiting room for an hour i got really stressed out and started to sweat and get all clammy. The next thing i knew i stood up and shouted F**k this they are taking the piss and i stormed out and missed my operation.
My partner was with me and i embarrassed him by doing this and now i feel really guilty for it. On the way home he told me if i dont get help we will be breaking up.

In the past i have been violent to people through my anger and 50% of the time they really didnt deserve it

I know the most common reply to this post will be for me to go get professional help. However i have looked around the internet and the fees are just way to high for what i can afford.

So... as usual i have to come here to my family at gayspeak and hopefully you guys can help me like you usually do.

Please tell me if you have any ways for me to stay calm.
here is what ive tried so far...

1. deep breaths when i feel agitation

2. going for a walk when i get too stressed and return when im calmer

3. telling my self to stay calm in my head

but none of them work in the long run
please help

[Nick9]

Hi,
I am not a choleric person, so my experince may be completely useless for you...

I used to have one reason that had driven me up the walls. It was like somebody pressed a button. But it was just that one thing.
At one moment I got sick during that mad attack and it was a wake up moment for me. It used to be hard in the beginning, but somehow I managed to convince myself that the problem I was seeing was not more important than me.

It is vague to write that it needs to come from inside you but that is really how it was. I remember I needed to take a deep breath because it gave me that second that I needed to remember my mantra - is it really that important?

You need to put yourself above the problem you are facing (the long waiting in the hospital), making YOU more important than the problem.

But I say again, I am far from choleric, it's been years since I yelled at someone. Have you tried to google some advice how to work with anger?

I spoke to some choleric people and some of them confessed that it is their way of getting attention. Those who were making scenes to their partners were saying that they were seeking their partners' assurance of love.

If you get to know what is behind that anger, it may be easier to work with it.

[pellaz]

where i have these tendencies (everyone does) my partner would never stand for a vulgar display of verbal shit, even if it was not directed at him. Husbands are difficult to find so cherish the loved one you already have.

-most of the time we are bitching at some one who makes the minimum wage and is totally NOT invested in the situation.
-ask your self is it a $15.00 bitch? From an economic aspect it is just not worth it.
-have your partner be more involved
-find a personal outlet; the gym helps but other things could be playing a musical instrument, running...
-dont let things to chance, setup things more to your expectations, simple is good
-dont over extend your self, take things slower and intertwine your day with things you just like to do.
-dont be concerned what people think of you.
-have an exit plan for the fail, simply go on to plan B



RIGHT NOW SAY YOUR SORRY TO YOUR PARTNER.
talk about it with him with plenty of love and kisses, flowers work.
-ask him if you handled this or that to his expectations, every day, what could you have done better.

Angers Management
there is a lot of stuff on this; books and on line information. Read up on the clinical stuff and figure how it apples to you. Prove you want to end this in your life. Professional care is expensive and mostly they try to make the person need to want to change.

finally volunteer at a hospital, high school or a program for the disadvantaged. Learn just how bad things are and how fortunate you are.

[TomStatic]

Just take big deep breaths
or smoke some weed

[pellaz]

smoke some weed

and i am serious.

[fenris]

I know your problem :redface: it is very important to calm down before you have reached the "point of no return". If you feel that you get angry..... ask yourself what annoys you in time... is it worth to be angry, think on other things, meditate... read something, start to talk about the weather with your partner or something like that.
It is not easy with this much temper.... if you are "on the tree" take care that nobody touch you. Learn to calm down with self-control....

But you will ever have moments where you can´t change the situation.... my man tried in the first time to calm me down but it don´t work.... and all have to wait, that you calm down by alone

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think there may be more here than just anger. You account of being in the waiting room, getting clammy, sweaty and stressed out is interesting, and not typical of 'anger' but more typical of anxiety issues, say social anxiety issues where being in a crowded place vexes you for some reason you can't put your finger on.

Males are prone to express more of the negative emotions with anger. We are sad - we explode. We are afraid - we explode - this is largely due to a society that has a mindset that 'real men' don't cry, 'real men' ain't afraid - we expect men to not have some of the fundamental emotions. Unfortunately we have them, but when we were not allowed to express them, and learn how to deal with sadness, fear, blah in more constructive and therapeutic ways, we end up expressing it in anger.

There is no way to stop anger from happening. It happens. What you can do is learn ways to channel that emotion into more constructive outlets.

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...62&bih=605

Google 'free anger management classes' there is a lot of stuff and sites out there.

In my area there are free meetings similar to AA and NA. I do not know where you live, so you are going to have to an internet search for 'Anger Management Meetings' followed by your location.

Nothing that transpires today - NOW - takes place isolated from the past. Everything in the past affects how and what we do today.

EXAMPLE: Resentment is the biggest killer of relationships (and most likely people too). It is not the toilet paper roll being hung 'backwards' that causes the big fight that leads to the break up, it is all of the other minor unresolved resentments that were sowed along the way to that day when the TP roll was hung the 'wrong' way.

We forget the basic events that lead to the seeds of resentment being planted, but those seeds are planted and grow nonetheless. So when the big break up or big explosion comes we focus on the event that is taking place now, thinking that that is the cause of this anger/blowout. It is only the straw breaking the camel's back, the real issue is most likely many things, many tiny, stupid, dimly remembered (if recalled at all) events that are unleashed at the same time because we finally reached the point were we cannot contain any more crap.

Most likely you have a lot of seeds of resentment and other stuff that was planted over many seasons. The underlying issues/situations where each seed is planted is at best a dim memory to you. What exists is this monster plant that has grown from each seed, taking up far much more room than it should. So one thing comes along and 'triggers' you and suddenly all the poison that you have been holding back comes out in one explosive episode.

Sadly, this doesn't clear out those toxic weeds - it only expels some of the poison. So each time you explode you are only unleashing some of that toxic stuff without dealing with the plants.

Weeding the Garden is not an easy task. The older you get the harder it gets as those dim memories make it real hard to find those weeds. I suspect that half of your problem or more is not really anger, but other issues that you have yet to identify. Once you identify and start working on these other issues, I'm willing to bet that the anger side of things will pretty much resolve itself in a lot of ways - at the very least become far more manageable.

There are alternatives to Anger Management if there are no free ones in your area. AA/NA is a good place. Granted your drug of choice may not be alcohol or street drugs, your drug of choice is anger.

However the steps and working the steps works on far much more than just drugs and alcohol. I actually apply the steps to man other aspects of my life and my relationship.

A lot of the old timers in AA and NA will also have other issues, some will have anger issues which they are dealing with and will, most likely, know of resources in your area.

Drug use/Addiction, Cutting, and lots of other stuff are basically anger issues. Granted few drunks actually go out and beat the crap out of people, or explode in a fit of rage (some do) this is only because we are channeling our anger inward, on ourselves. Self Destructive behaviors and anger are two sides of the same coin.

There really are no easy solutions. Yes you can try the stop and count to ten method - however it most likely will not work because you are not actually dealing with the crap inside, you are stalling for time in hopes that that crap will somehow magically deal with itself.

You need to start peeling your onion - the onion represents all the layers that make up you. You peel one, examine it, see what makes it tick, and you are confronted with another layer, you peel that one and look, yet one more layer to deal with. While it may seem like a fast and efficient measure to just take up a butcher knife and slice the damn thing in half, it isn't. You need to examine each layer, see how it sits on the layer below it to get a better understanding, thus you have to peel the onion.

[East]

The most obvious thing is the one most people ignore which is diet and exercise...eating fresh foods versus processed foods,...and exercising for a general state of well being.

Dan White...the guy who killed Harvey Milk and Mayor Moscone...had the famous twinkie defense...and the thing is...I dont' think twinkies were responsible for murdering anyone but the effects of processed foods on a person who is already angry can be devastating...

[dfiant]

In the past i have been violent to people through my anger and 50% of the time they really didnt deserve it

That means you are only accept half of your responsibility because nobody deserves your anger.

I know the most common reply to this post will be for me to go get professional help. However i have looked around the internet and the fees are just way to high for what i can afford.

But you can afford to stand up in a waiting room and scream 'fuck this' and storm out?

You can afford the time that you punch someone in the head for no reason at all except you're a little upset?

You can afford to lose your partner? Your family? your friends? I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with you.

but none of them work in the long run :frown:
please help

Then you CAN NOT afford NOT to seek counselling.

Deal with your anger or you will end up an angry, bitter, twisted, lonely old man who logs into forums using aliases like HollandofFrance and Gilhooly, and absoluetly no body wanted anything to do with those 2 guys.

If you care, you will see no choice but to seek professional help, and I would encourage you to do that.

[azulai]

The situation you describe with the waiting room is pretty bad and I'm glad you are using it as a wake up call. To miss an operation that you probably needed and did the pre-ops for is just unbelievable.

You posted anonymously, so I'm going to be blunt. It sounds like you have an over inflated idea of your self-importance. Not wanting to wait your turn, blaming others, and past violence -- all those things sound like temper tantrums -- wanting your way now. It just all sounds very childish.

What is it you want everyone to do? Notice you? Do what you say because only you are right? Are you seeking to be in control of everything?

How do you want everyone to treat you? With respect? With fear? How is your behavior reaching your goal?

How do you treat your partner? How do you talk to him/her? Has your partner been on the receiving end of any physical violence?

I'm guessing but you probably have a disconnect in the way you want to be perceived and the way you think you are perceived. You probably feel internally impotent and the violence (verbal and physical) is your way controlling other people's responses -- fear and intimidation.

I think you need to try to afford the professional help. I don't think your current solution should be seeking ways to stay calm, but rather getting to the root of your problem and starting an intensive program of therapy and possibly medication. The healing has to come from within mind and body.

I hope you keep us posted on your progress.