Hurt, angry and unhappy. Help!

[MsDad]

My husband and I have been together 19 years. Sex has always been an issue as I've always had a high sex drive and his has mostly been low. Now sex may be once a week if I'm lucky. And he shows no affection at all. Earlier in the week I tried to initiate sex and as is the case most of the time, he said no. The next day his back started bothering him, to the point I had to drive him to work for two days. Obviously I didn't try to initiate anything because of his back. Last night I went to church. He was supposed to be studying for a course he's taking. Instead, when I got home he was watching a movie and hadn't studied at all. I came to the bedroom to change clothes and when I put dirty laundry in the basket, I found a pair of his underwear he had used as a cum rag. Then this morning, I walked into the bathroom. He happened to be in the shower and guess what he was doing..
This is not a new thing in our relationship and it's always troubled me. I'm the same person I was 19 years ago. I love him but this is pushing me to the brink. He doesn't show me affection, like I mentioned earlier, won't touch me unless there are other people around, and kissed consist of three (always) little pecks on the lips. There is zero passion and it's clear he wants sex, just not with me.
I've suggested counseling but he won't go because "we don't have a problem." I've talked to one of our pastors, who suggested trying again to get him to get help and that if said no, she would confront him privately. I'm to the point I really want to leave but we've invested so many years and our lives are complexly intertwined. It would be a difficult and lengthy extrication. I still love him and believe he still loves me. I know he's not cheating. I know where he is every minute of every day (except when he goes to lunch but I can see those charges to the bank account).
Advice anyone?

[seeking]

Did you ask him directly why and how did he respond? Ask him why he jerk off but still won't have sex with you, directly.

Tell him in a serious manner that, while he doesn't think you two have a problem, YOU THINK YOU HAVE and it's bothering you to the point that you feel like you can't continue the relationship (which is true) and observe his reaction.

You need to get him to respond otherwise you would just stuck thinking about it yourself without any resolution and answer. And if he refuse...it shows that how much he actually values this relationship.

[meridannight]

So -- he's pleasuring himself into his underwear and in the shower, but won't have sex with you? That is not an acceptable behavior in a relationship. Clearly he wants sex; why he doesn't want to have it with you, though, only he can answer that. You have to confront him on this issue. Really confront him, not let him get away with some lame excuse about how he thinks everything's okay. Everything is NOT okay, and you need to make that clear to him. He appears to be detached from the reality of the relationship between you by how he says you two ''have no problems'' and just ignores the whole subject.

[deephiance]

You can't help someone until they are ready to accept that there is a problem.

The threat of leaving him may be the catalyst needed?

[Jaimeindallas]

Hi I don't know how to use this but my husband was on GROWLr and he said somebody stole his pic and created acct I say liar but need advice he does have history of cheating about 8 years ago thanks please help

[Cuddly]

Hi I don't know how to use this but my husband was on GROWLr and he said somebody stole his pic and created acct I say liar but need advice he does have history of cheating about 8 years ago thanks please help

Make your own thread!

To OP:
Firstly, did you ask him point blank and tell him that this hurts you? I'm guessing you have, as suggesting counselling comes after that.. really...

What about spice? Are you open to introducing new elements? Toys, not people. Porn together?
Can you have that conversation?

[TigerLover]

Maybe he's addicted to masturbation or pornography?

Either way unless he's willing to work on the problem your relationship is doomed.

If you truly value your relationship then you will get the truth even if you have to pry it from him.

[IndividuellaUni]

Yes - you two need to have a sit down and an honest discussion.

[Darius]

Maybe he's addicted to masturbation or pornography

Either that or he could be acting out sexually with other guys online. He is having his sexual needs met somewhere else.
I remember reading somewhere how some guys find sex with another person as too much work, so they resort to self pleasure, where they feel they have more control over time and effort involved. I think for some people the sex is all about the orgasm, they don't seem to enjoy the journey, only the destination.