Another in love with bi best friend thread...sorry!

[jayns]

Hey all. In need of a few pointers here - I'm madly in love with a very close friend.

We met at uni a few years ago, and got on very well immediately - people used to mock us (in a friendly way!) about how we were never seen apart. Both of us slept with a few girls, as you do at uni, until one night when he randomly kissed a very gay guy. I was teasing him about it on the way home, when he grabbed my hand, sat me down and said that he liked guys as well as girls.

Long story short, we ended up having lots of drunken sex that night...this happened for a few more weeks until things got a bit awkward so we stopped doing it.

After uni, we went our seperate ways but carried on texting and calling each other regularly, and meeting up every so often despite being 200 miles apart. I got a full time job, and he suggesting renting a flat together in London, where we've been living for the past year and a bit.

We haven't done anything slightly sexual since uni, but we spend literally every waking hour (when not working!) together...eat together, cook together, drink together...do everything with each other and get on ridiculously well. Recently, we spent 2 weeks abroad working together, sleeping in the same room and spending 16 hour days together, which somehow brought us even closer.

He's extremely good looking but doesn't realise it, being pretty anti social to most people too. Also, he doesn't flirt with me at all...it's a strange silent bond sometimes, where there's no need to talk. Recently though, I can't stop thinking about him - is telling him a good idea? I really don't want to mess up this epic friendship, but I just want to ease feeling tense all the time! Thanks.

[Nick9]

Hi jayns, welcome to GS

Don't be sorry, it's always great to know that things are going well for someone
I can't think of one reason why you shouldn't tell him. I guess you have already gotten over that stage when you could be afraid that he will run away.
You've been living together for a year. And if he doesn't look for another man, he may very well feel comfortable with what you two have and he may welcome your giving a hint.
Good luck

[azulai]

There's a key piece of info that seems to be missing for me. After you answer, I'll get back to you because I'm a bit confused.

In the little over a year that you two have been living together, have you both been celibate?

Has either of you been dating or hooking up with others?

Thanks.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello jayns

First let me say Welcome to G.S.
I honestly can not see any barriers , that are stopping you.

Good luck with it and keep us informed.

We are all here for you.

[jayns]

Thanks.

Neither of us has been seeing or sleeping with anyone else, although I've got a feeling that's down to circumstance.

We are extremely comfortable around each other and friends often joke that we act like a married couple (minus the physical bit!), so it does show. Neither of us have told anyone about not being 100% straight...

[azulai]

Hey, jayns. Thanks for replying back.

I often hesitate to reply to “I'm in love with my best friend” posts but I really feel like yours is different.

So, hopefully I can give you some things to think about as you make your decision.

>You are both fulfilling an emotional need for the other but why not the physical?
The thing that concerns me is that after you were both physical at uni you say “things got a bit awkward.” Explore why. Was it really a mutual decision or was it him making this decision? Or you making this decision? Was it immaturity? Was it some kind of religious guilt? Family guilt?

I like the way you describe him as pretty much antisocial but when he told you he was bi, he took your hand. That just shows me trust, and someone who at least has spent some time figuring things out. There seems to be a lot of maturity on both your parts because of the way you've maintained a friendship.

>It's always the question of do I want to ruin “the epic friendship?”
But, what happens if he decides to bring another guy home or a girl home? He's kissed a gay guy in front of you before. You have to consider yourself and that you have some emotional and physical needs that need some protection. You may need to stake a claim. You may need to explore romantic hints and options. You may need to initiate the flirting.

Drag him outside to see the sunset. If he complains about his neck bothering him, just get up and give him a little neck massage. I mean, I’d start using day to day things to my advantage.

The only thing that worries me is that neither of you is out to friends, not that I think your sexuality is anyone's business but your own. Yet, if you do become a couple how does it effect going out with your friends?

I'd be prepared to accept 'no, not interested' as the answer. I'd make sure you are strong enough and mature enough that you can get past the awkwardness. It's different this time because it's not just sex you have a lot emotionally invested. If he's still dealing with issues of being bi, you have to be committed and have a lot of patience to work on the issue together.

It's just your past history with this man indicates that your epic friendship should survive a serious heart to heart conversation.

Best wishes!

[jayns]

Thanks for the helpful reply.

The weird thing is, we do actually go for random
long walks and rub each others backs - it just never turns sexual. Since he rarely talks about sexuality, it might be worth bringing it up in conversation in case he's got an issue with it.*

We were sleeping together regularly for about a month - for some reason things just weren't quite the same in conversation, so one night he held my hand and said he wanted to stop in case we fell out. The physical stuff was mainly kissing, not just sex.

However, he's got a habit of falling out with girls after sleeping with them for some reason, so it makes sense him wanting to stop...

You're quite right about it being a mature friendship though - for example, there's no need for an cooking/cleaning rota...we just get on with it as is fair, and small necessities just happen rather than needing discussion. However, it's pretty light hearted at the same time - we insult and mock each other continuously...

To be honest, I haven't really thought about how it would affect other friends as lately we've been doing things together and not really seeing anyone else, which is pretty bad come to think of it. Quite right though, I'm not sure how it would change things but since people are always mocking us (in a friendly way!) for never being apart, it might not come as too much of a surprise...

[Nick9]

But, what happens if he decides to bring another guy home or a girl home? He's kissed a gay guy in front of you before. You have to consider yourself and that you have some emotional and physical needs that need some protection. You may need to stake a claim. You may need to explore romantic hints and options. You may need to initiate the flirting.

Hi jayns, I would explore this possibility if I were you. There is no need to tell us, but how does the idea make you feel? Jealous and possessive? It can give you hint about your true feelings toward your friend.
And if you have romantic feeling for him, I think you should let him know. Before he shares a news with you, that he has just met someone else.