I'm kinda having..some issues.

[spencer]

I'm gonna start by saying I am the happiest I've ever been, but I've hit a bump and in order to really explain it I'm gonna have to give a summary of my life. I'll be as brief as possible.

So, back in high school before I had begun taking testosterone, when I was super angsty and teenagery I was not happy. I dressed in black sat in the corner and didnt really talk unless I really had something to say. I had a small group of close friends that I loved dearly. When they would throw parties I would opt out of attending, I was just so depressed that leaving my house was uncomfortable and I preferred to stay at home wallowing in my misery. Now during this time I was cutting quite uncontrollably, there were several times were my arms and legs would be literally covered.

I was NEVER the person to open about my issues. In fact I was completely closed, if I was in a bad mood I would not say a word about it, I would either just stay away from everyone or pretend to be happy. So I confided the cutting thing to my few close friends, one person kinda became a cutting buddy and her as well as my other friends would only tease me for it, sometimes at parties they would encourage me to cut and then help me find alcohol or other stingy things to pour on the wounds. My parents eventually found out I was cutting I saw a few therapists that did nothing for me, eventually I went to a group therapy that was helpful but I still felt very isolated because I was the ONLY person there for cutting, everyone else was there for drugs. But it provided more help than anywhere else.

Fast foreward to more recently, at 18 I moved in with my two best friends we go through a few apartments and I go back forth living with them or at home. An apartment burns down and then we move in a duplex in Oct. 2011. For the past couple of years I've kinda stopped cutting, I would go a few months then either a bad day or just nothing and I would relapse a little. After moving in to this duplex I was beginning to cut a little more, it never got as bad as in high school but it was more than my minor relapses and my mood was going downhill.

At this point I had been on testosterone for a while, my transition's happening and going on smoothly, I've realized I was so miserably in high school because I was living as a girl when I wanted to be a boy. I'm feeling better about myself and I'm gaining confidence and I've kind of started opening up about my feelings and other nontrans issues. However each time I was open about something, I would either get teased or shot down. My friends were not respecting my needs in the duplex, I don't want to live in filth, I don't like my things taken without my permission especially if they turn up lost, there was just a lack of respect for me and me things and it wasn't anything new, I just was unable to deal with it anymore. I tried hard to communicate my needs and feelings, we had a few roommate meetings things got better, but they weren't good. I would hear one friend trash talking my right outside my bedroom door. A few times in the time the three of us lived together I had gone drunkenly suicidal for the first time in my life. I expressed my feelings and once was told to go ahead and do it. I had NEVER mentioned suicide before and had never actually really considered doing it. I've always been able to think rationally and think my way out of it if a feeling did come about however that's harder to do when you're drunk.

So, I'm getting tired of the way my friends are treating me, I'm stressed with money, I'm going through a big transition and I realize that I'm just miserable. Every day is just kinda blah, I go to work, come home and do a bunch of nothing until I go bed, I'm basically living to work because it's my escape from the enviroment I'm living in. One day I get fed up, and it pretty much ends up if I stay, one day I'll get drunk and I'll actually kill myself and I don't want that, so I decide to move home. I express this to my friends, I try to communicate in depth why and explain I would rather resolve the issues, we've all been best friends for 5 or 6 years I want to try to fight for that. One friend says they don't want to resolve anything the other says I shouldn't talk about suicide so "casually" in her words. I didn't understand, so what was I supposed to do, hide my feelings until I couldn't take it anymore and offed myself? That was bound to happen especially at the rate I was drinking. So I take about a week more of earing trash talking out my door, constantly being called petty and then moved home. I had to wait a week because I rented a uhaul and needed some people over to help me move.

So that happened, about a month ago. I'm much happier at home, but, I've pretty much lost my friends. My closest friends were those two and everyone else I hung out with I see they were really only friends with me because of our mutual friendships. Now, I am not out of friends, I have one close friend that I met in an FTM group and I have another friend I've been friends with for years who's been an amazing friend to me. The problem is I don't have that friend-family feeling anymore with my..two remaining friends. I don't have that sense of I have people to go hang out and party with or anything like that. It's put me in a weird place and while I've always been one that's happy to be alone I do like to go out and be with people and my friends but I don't have much that option anymore.

I know, so I need to make new friends, I'm doing my best but I've never really been in a place where I needed to find new friends and while I kinda see the positive in I'm in a new chapter of life and I am a new person, so I may need to make new friends. As a super shy person who's never been very social except with the people I'm already comfortable with it just seems impossible. But I will be discussing this with another friend soon.

I spent the whole time typing this up thinking, "You're not gonna send it, no one's going to care, it's a pointless thread." And that's kinda how I've always been, I just don't feel like my issues are anything worth being concerned about and that stems from my self-esteem issues which are getting better. I feel like I'm a good worthy person I just kinda don't feel like anyone else thinks that. This is truly the first time I've just laid myself out in the open. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish from this thread, I guess just finally an opportunity to vent and see what people thought of me and my crazy head. I chose you guys to vent to instead of my FTM support group because whil my tranny-nessslol is a big part of my issues it's not the only thing, there's normal human shit that contributes and I'd like to get thoughts and opinions, encouragemnt, advice, whatever, from people that aren't going to be looking at it all like it's all about my transition. So there you have it. Sorry it was long but this stuff has all been stuffed in my head for a really, really long time. I really think I just needed to get it out and tell someone insetad of just having mental conversations with myself. I appreciate anyone who just bothers to read it. <3

[Prometheus]

Phew, that was long!

So it seems to me that a lot of your shit that went down is entirely environmental. I've never been much of a party goer myself, and can relate a lot to you being complacent with being alone, unhealthily so. But I think, like with your FTM transition, there is still a wholeness to yourself that is missing maybe? I dunno if you're looking for analytics on your situation, you seem pretty up-beat to me. Much congratulations on being brave enough to live life the way that you feel you should. If more people were like that, they'd have a lot less time eating eachother alive.
Seriously though... No more cutting. That isn't shit to ever fuck around with. Solves nothing, it's addictive, ugly, and indicative of a clear immaturity towards appropriate emotional escapes. Other than that...you're good. : )

I hope everything works out well for you. Things are always better back at the parents house...and no friends is better than a bunch of a shitty friends ---really.

[pellaz]

... been on testosterone for a while, my transition's happening and going on smoothly, I've realized I was so miserably in high school because I was living as a girl when I wanted to be a boy ...

go work out. local gym or just go running. Loong shot; dont know if it will work for you but most boys need it.

[LateBloomer]

Agree with the other guys.

1) You need good friends.

2) Exercise is always good (eventually you start to crave the endorphins).

But I would add this: In a general sense, your age is a difficult one as you transition into independent adulthood. This happens to EVERYONE no matter what their orientation or lot in life. So don't have a pity party for yourself. Instead try to set some goals for the future, reasonable ones. And then WORK FOR IT.

The sense of accomplishment will pay off LATER (this is a concept [delayed gratification] a lot of us have a hard time with).

But believe me, your 30s will be a LOT easier than your 20s.

[Nick9]

I guess you have found one possible answer yourself at the end of your writing. You need friends. Do you have some hobbies or are there some clubs or other places in your area where you could meet people? It doesn't matter if it is chess, reading or sports.
It is hard to find a simple solution, because your post is so complex. You don't ask a simple, easy question

Maybe post more at GS, answer other people's questions, try to give advice, make your friends here. You can learn how to open up to other people that way. You can find that other people do like you and want to know you and care about you.

[zeon]

hello,
Firstly welcome to gayspeak.... Now with regards to your current friends to be honest if they cannot be of any assistance they can either cut the crap or at least respect you... Being trapped in a wrong body i would imagen is like being gay and not feeling as though you can come out... I have often found members here saying that this site is more helpful to speak on than a group because its with a load of randoms all over the world who will help voice and share an opinion.. Dont ever ever let anyone make you feel low because we are all unqiue in our own little ways...

Money worries dont worry about i have lived in debt of a few thousand for the past six years and ive learnt that being in debt can also be stress free by accepting the issue and thinking well if im in debt might as well enjoy it... Also companies get paid when they get paid end of... Eventually the debt will be reduced.... Dont stress too much in life and if you ever feel like self harming please come and make a post about whats bothering ya... I for one am an ex self harmer and my mission is to try to help people where needed with regards to this field as it is a addiction and it can be over come

Kindest regards

aunty zeon x

[spencer]

So I would reply to each of you individually because I'm just that kinda guy but that seems so...time consuming so a sum to everything! I feel really assured from all you guys. A lot of suggestions I've either tried to start doing (succeeding slowly) or have considered doing. I've actually started getting back in to piano a lot more and I'm FINALLY getting through a song I wanted to learn on guitar. Yay! I generally work out regularly but I've fallen out of routine, I really should get back on it. I've got a lot of interests but I obsess so intensely that I end up not taking part in anything because I get overwhelmed with everything I wanna do but I'm getting there. Balance, I think I'll feel a lot better once I get back in school too. I feel reassured about posting now too, so I will make a bigger effort to make threads and respond to posts. :3! Reassurance is a big thing for me. Thanks guys!

[azulai]

hey, spencer.
Sometimes we outgrow our friends and have to move on because it's best for our emotional health and physical well being. I'm glad you're back home and from the posts about your parents, they seem like the support/environment you need right now. You might just need that comfort and safety to get you through this rough patch.

Your friends and some of the shit you describe, honestly, they don't seem to have your back. Sometimes people are going through their own issues and they get sick/demented pleasure out of pushing others to the brink and watching. Be careful of that.

I agree with the others about exercise. Challenging myself through exercise has been the best thing for me. It's just been a great outlet for me; I feel a lot more focused after a run or cycling. Actually, this is what freed me from my emo-battle. I put a lot of my energy into only doing good things to my body.

The other thing is I began to focus on a healthy eating. No junk food, more fruits and veggies.
And, that turned into an interest in learning how to cook. It's just been a lot of fun: planning, experimenting and learning.

The other thing I do is playing music and journaling. I don't know if you play an instrument but it's a great way to express emotions. I also did a lot of self-awareness. My journey on the Tao and my path of self discovery have become the heart of who I am. [eta: just read your post, glad you work with music too. And yeah, the piano is my therapist!]

About the friends. They really did a number on you. You may need a little time before really bonding with others. Nothing wrong with that. I've grown very discerning about who I hang out with and I don't apologize for it. I don't know if it's selfish or what but I don't want someone to set me back, so I'm careful. Honestly, I look at people and I do judge. I know that's a NO-NO to some people but I look for ethics and I look for heart.

I think it's important that you have different friends so that transitioning isn't always the focus. I would imagine, and I'm sorry if this is incorrect, but I would imagine you might need to get away from it a bit and have people see YOU and not the process. I guess, I'm thinking back to when I was struggling with gay stuff, and sometimes I was just so exhausted from thinking and worrying, I just wanted to get away from it. IDK if that makes sense but, sometimes we need to just BE. mile:

I've enjoyed reading your posts, and I hope you post more. We have 2 other younger FTM who are here periodically and I am glad that you are here, visible and writing your thoughts. Similar to what Nick said, responding and helping others work through issues often times helps the writer. Seeing you here may really make a difference for them or anyone else that happens to stop by.

And, I'm always happy to see someone make a longer post than me!!!!!!!!

[Zet]

I must say its not many threads that has a long text that I usually read, as like this thread, my dyslexia is going crazy and I have to re read it many times to understand what its about, if I am even sure that's right :redface:

I've never been a party person my self, and I've felt during most of my teens that I've missed out on a big part of my life, but in general I'm not into it. Friends tend to come and go, its hard to trust someone but if you manage to pick a needle in the hay (Its hard to find someone who can cover your back for life), you should hold on to it Life goes on, many has turned on my back, there will always be people like that, just don't give into it. Let also the members of GS become your friend, mate Wish you the best

[Rainbowmum]

Hello Spencer,
First let me say , welcome to G.S.

Secondly , who cares ?
I do , all of us here care and want to help you through this difficult time.

Sweetie don't spend time and energy mourning the loss of your frienemies.
Anyone that encourages you to mutilate yourself is not a friend , a sadist maybe ,a very disturbed person for sure ,but a friend never.

You come across as a very smart and sensitive young man .
Ask yourself as a friend would you encourage pain and mutilation to one of your friends?

Yes , you need friends , but choose carefully .
How about you start right here .
Just by having the courage to post and reaching out , you have made friends.

I would like to ask you if you know what triggers these episodes of cutting.

Is it to release of pent up emotional or stress?
Is it to suppress anger or other negative emotions?
is it for control when your life seem out of control?
Or is it to feel something in the hollow of emptiness?


Self mutilation can escalate at a rapid pace , It's an addiction that takes away your self esteem, control ,and in some tragic cases ones life.

Fight it sweetie with every thing you have .
You are not alone in the battle , we are all here with you, ready to hold you up and help you .