Turbulence

[Bookworm]

azulai pretty much summed up my thoughts on this. He's a smart cookie.

The fact that you have been reflecting upon your friends words and what that encompasses shows that you do indeed have deep feelings and that you are not emotionally barren, so don't worry too much on that score. Sometimes friends can say things in jest without realizing the emotional impact their words may have. At the end of the day, she is not in your mind space and is probably blissfully unaware of some of your emotional triggers right now.
Volunteering would certainly be of benefit to you if you are feeling isolated and detached. Networking in new social circles will bring in new people, thoughts, ideas and scenario's into your world, that can only enrich and expand upon what you already know. New endeavors will serve to energize you and hopefully work on sweeping away those anxieties and insecurities. So enjoy mile:

[faceslikemine]

Update: I will post my reply tomorrow. Sorry for the delay guys! I really appreciate all the feedback and will get back to you soon

[Rainbowmum]

First let me say you have empathy .
You could not care for someone else if you did not.

At at times , even the best of friends can jump to silly assumptions.
Perhaps that movie was one of her favorites and she found it upsetting that you did not feel the same way.

Talk to her , tell her that it hurt you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No you are no longer connected to her as you once were. Yes home no longer feels like home. Yes you and your old friends are now aliens, living in two different worlds, doing things that the others can't possibly comprehend.

If you were not feeling a bit of unease over these facts I would be worried over your psychological health and well being. If it depresses you, or makes you feel incredibly horrible - you are more human and feeling than your buddies credit you with.

And - you are perfectly healthy emotionally speaking, because it does cause you great concern. There is a point where this becomes bad. Sadness is ok, grieving over this loss (Which is a real loss) is ok. If its consuming you, its not ok. And you should seek out professional help to work through it.

However distance and losing contact and losing the connection to home is all part of the growing process of life. The fact is you moved to a far remote alien outpost where you are evolving into an alien. An alien to the folk back on your homeworld where they are not evolving to meet the needs of this new, alien culture.

Lack of Empathy

I feel a great disturbance in the force around you. You feel it too, but you have a penis. So we really can't talk about it.

That penis has decided a lot of your life. Its mere existence has lead to society, your parents, your teachers and your peers to treat you far differently from those without a penis.

Think about it:

Real men don't cry. Big boys don't cry. How often is the truism repeated.

Sixty-two thousand four hundred repetitions make one truth. You most likely were subjected to these truisms far more than 62,400 times. Try a million or two.

Think about how society reinforces basic lies, erm I did mean truths about how 'real men' behave and act.

From the day you were born up you were told that that penis means you are a slayer of dragons, a provider of protection, a strong person who mustn't ever show fear, mayn't cry in pubic, and must always, above all else, be in control of everything around you. The very fairytales read to you as a kid made it clear that anyone with a penis must protect the ones without penises, and must not only do it, but like it - worst - WANT to do these things.

And if you slip up and cry, or show fear, or want to be protected instead of protecting you are a sissy.

Sissy is for all penises (yes even us gay ones) the most dreaded thing to be. Being a sissy is the worst possible thing to be.

What is a young boy to do? Why put on a penis mask.

Hide those emotions that no penis has. Hide the desires and wants that only those without a penis may have. Penises are allowed to laugh (but only at the bawdy tales and jokes, not at cute ones). Penises are allowed to get angry. In fact if you get angry when you are supposed to be sad, you are more of a man. If you get angry and charge at that thing you fear, you are more of a man.

Anger good. Very good. And we wonder why humanity is so violent.

Your mask is most likely stoic. And thick enough to hide all of your internal feelings.

You have worn it so long that now its stuck there on your face. Yeah sure you want to put your arms around someone and comfort them. But you can't - literally can't. Because you no longer remember how to give a hug.

You want to cry over the sad scenes of a movie. But you can't, because you have worn that mask so long your tear ducts won't release a tear.

You most likley want to express that rainbow of emotions you have, but you can't - that mask has been on your face for so long that you no longer know how to do that.

You most likely get angry when sad, or fearful - Anger good - the angrier you are over sad things and fearful things the more of a man you are.

To make this all worse, you are one of them homosexuals. So every time you were told 'This makes you a sissy' you took it to heart, because deep inside you are a sissy. Sissy = Gay. Gay = less of a man, or worse, not a man at all. This being gay thing means you lack a penis.

Even before you had an inkling of conscious thought that you may be attracted to other boys - deep inside you knew at a basic level you were 'that way'. Thus being told 'You are a sissy if you ______________' resonated inside of you, making you more prone to build an uber-penis mask in order to hide the fact that yep, your a sissy (gay).

A lot of us gay men have serious problems showing our real emotions. Yes even the lispy, limp wristed ones who appear to cry at the slightest drop of a hat. They too struggle with the same "man V emotion" issue.

Its more serious for us because, being young boys in a society that made it clear that under no terms is it ok to be gay, we took these gender roles seriously - deadly serious in many cases.

I suspect that you are really empathetic. The fact you are interested in doctoring and medicine screams 'I want to help people!' Very few people get into that area for mere selfish, non-empathic reasons.

The fact that you got a certain joy over volunteer work where you are doing things to make the world a better place reveals that there is a basic need to help. It not only soothes their needs, but it also soothes your troubled soul when you can't do something to help another's pain, that you most likely feel more deeply and more profoundly than 99% of the extroverts who pretend to care.

The fact that this was a struggle for you for several days and has weighed heavily on your mind, tells me that not only do you care - A lot - you are also trapped by the expectations of society as to what your role in the world is because you have a penis.

Thus unable to confront and 'deal with' these emotions that you 'ain't suppose to have' because society told you your penis means you don't have these emotions you hid your 'problem' and tried to solve it on your own. As a real man (penis) is supposed to do by the reckoning of our sick, unwholesome society.

I fear the road ahead of you is going to be rough. Even with therapy and counseling and lots of hard work, getting that penis mask off is going to be a struggle.

I still struggle with my penis mask - almost daily. I can only cry in the shower - where the tears are hidden by the water and where the splatter of the shower hides my sobs and if anyone notices my eyes are read I can easily say 'Oh I got shampoo in my eyes.'

Sixty-two thousand four hundred repetitions make one truth. Once that truth is made its real hard to break.

[faceslikemine]

Okay, I finally have the opportunity to respond to everyone's helpful input mile:

Right, I have cut this down to the very basics as the stuff I originally typed was in danger of become a full-length social-work dissertation; also whenever I explain what happened to me younger it begins to sound like a really bad soap opera and I would rather keep things vague than have people accusing me of making these things up. I apologise if some of this sounds a bit general and short, but all this typing has left me a bit tired and my eyes are beginning to hurt (seriously, how do you do it, Boweyn? )

First of all, BA as usual I agree what you are saying. However, there is one thing I might address:

Think about it:

Real men don't cry. Big boys don't cry. How often is the truism repeated.

I don't think that strictly applies to me, but I agree with what you say. Stereotypes like that have fucked men up emotionally. But don't forget women can be hard-faced too. I think years of bullying did it to me. First I was pure, then I was injured, now I am hardened. A bit like how a blood clot forms .

It could also be family stuff but that would take too long to explain and people tend to either glaze over or begin to think "yeah right" and disregard everything I say as I painstakingly try to lay out the events of my life. The only people I can talk about this stuff to are my family, but they are kind of the problem and I can't get an appropriate third-party perspective. In any case it probably doesn't have much to do with this; I don't really feel connected to that time - it feels like it happened to someone else.

There is the third possibility: Since starting this course (in fact, before even that, when I was applying to study medicine) I have begun to get a grip of what is expected of me. You are not allowed to have a criminal record - well, minor things may be acceptable, but it's iffy. You are not allowed to have a drug problem (I'm not so clear on how they would consider someone who is not currently using but has a history). You are not allowed to have a severe mental illness.

These are all assessed on an individual basis so it is not like you are automatically disqualified, but you better have a damn good justification that this hasn't impaired your Fitness to Practice. That's the phrase. Fitness to Practice. It has been repeatedly emphasised to us to watch our behaviour, don't do something stupid when you're drunk, and if you are arrested, NEVER accept a caution as it will go down on your criminal record. My friends and I like to joke that almost anything could be a Fitness to Practice issue: "OMG you ate all my doritos! That's a FtP issue >.<"

Deep down, I hadn't admitted it to myself, but I am afraid to show any signs of even feeling sad, for fear of compromising my Fitness to Practice. Now here is where I feel your aforementioned statement fits. Slightly altered: "Inappropriate displays of emotion is unprofessional". I don't believe this is a quote as such but I am sure it is a correct definition. You wouldn't see doctors or nurses or pharmacists crying, yelling (well, maybe lol), screaming etc. They are supposed to have a friendly, sunny disposition at all times when dealing with the public. I think I have taken this too seriously and now it is at the point where I am a healthcare professional (in training) all day, every day.

In summary, it seems I had taken a step forward by reclaiming my social confidence, but have fallen 50 backwards by hiding this and more behind my perpetual facade of professionalism.

Okay, I have still managed to ramble on towards the end. Another thing that strikes me is that I am always compelled to write in a formal manner. I am enforcing that "victorian gentleman" stereotype that seems to be attached to english folk. I am sure there were other people's posts I maybe haven't addressed here, but I am going to take a rest, re-read what I've written as well as what you have all written, and write another (hopefully more concise!) post later.

Thank you all for your time :biggrin:

J.

[Nick9]

Jesus, you don't make it easy on yourself, do you?

I remember being at kids ICU once. I was emotional wreck within several hours. Actually not only emotional, I felt physically sick because I couldn't cope with those three kids being in pain and being scared and having hallucination after waking up from narcosis.

From that time I understand why nurses needs to stay emotionally detached. But I have no idea how they do it, when they actually have to show that they care for the patient.

I guess you need to learn somehow (one million dollar question: But how?) how to hide yourself, your "inner Me", to lock it inside, so that it stayed protected against the emotional stress. And the rest, those pieces of onion peel that are closer to the surface will work as your compassionate face that patients will see.

As soon as you take your work clothes off, you need to put that onion peel to the locker too. YOU CAN'T TAKE IT HOME. Hospital property, don't touch, okay?

And you must unlock your real Me. You need to find a way. Otherwise you will go crazy. At least I would. Either because of the emotional stress at work, or from my emotional detachment in my free time.
I hope you will find a way.

And thank for your second paragraph

[East]

You have some really excellent advice here on this thread but before I say anything else I have to ask...how do you define empathy?

The reason I ask...I am not getting the connection to your first post...your friend's observation...and a lack of empathy. Perhaps by defining empathy you might be able to come to a conclusion and move forward. In my opinion you might actually have an overabundance of empathy.

[faceslikemine]

And thank for your second paragraph

Do you count the first sentence as a paragraph? Just to be clear so I know which one you are referring to.

I think I have had a lot of things on my mind. I haven't really sorted through my personal history yet, which could impact on how I view interpersonal relationships. A lot of that is family related, but as I have already mentioned there are a multitude of tangled knots in that pile of ropes so I'll just let it go for the time being.

East, I think that is a good question. My friend's comment made me think that all my efforts to be helpful were negated by my lack of expression of these feelings. So why bother? I think I had it right the first time: it's the thought that counts. Being more open is something I will work on.

Also, Nick I remember you earlier saying that you weren't sure whether loneliness could cause depression. Perhaps not. All I know is they seem to go hand in hand, along with their buddy "denial". What annoys me is that I always forget about depression during the summer and autumn, so it always manages to sucker punch me come winter. I'm such a fool......

For now, I would really like to meet some people in this city who make me feel at home. It's strange living each day feeling half-fulfilled......Half the time I don't notice their absence.....it's the moments when I think "I'd really enjoy this day with some friends by my side" that turn the joyful times into bittersweet sorrow. How can I miss something I have not experienced? It's very frustrating having the idea that these people surely exist but I haven't found them yet.

Thank you everyone for all your supportive comments. It has occurred to me that lots of people have given me hugs that I have yet to return. In appreciation of this:



THANKU!!!!!

Follow up point: I phoned my friend to talk to her but she is currently on holiday with family so I am going to wait until after she gets home before I broach the subject.

[Nick9]

Do you count the first sentence as a paragraph? Just to be clear so I know which one you are referring to.

Sure I do, where is the spacing, there is also a paragraph in my book :biggrin:

What annoys me is that I always forget about depression during the summer and autumn, so it always manages to sucker punch me come winter. I'm such a fool......

actually you are not and I am sure Bowyn Aerrow will tell you why

it's the moments when I think "I'd really enjoy this day with some friends by my side" that turn the joyful times into bittersweet sorrow. How can I miss something I have not experienced? It's very frustrating having the idea that these people surely exist but I haven't found them yet.

I know what you mean. Sharing it with online friends helps. But it is not the same. But it is always better than to feel lonely.
Try to enjoy it even if you are there without anyone else. Think about it this way: I am lucky enough to witness it and I am good enough for this to happen just because of me, it is happening just because someone out there wants to please me and to make me happy. Charge your "inner battery" by those days or little moments so it would last during rainy days

[zeon]

hello,
How someone sees you can be different to your true colour.... I wouldnt worry too much about her or how your life is going because life is a journey that is written before our times... Life is something where people will come... Then they will go... Try listening to Baz lurhman Sunscreen because he hits the nail on the head with the lyrics...

You may find after college and education is out the way you could be living miles from anywhere... You could be stuck in a place you dont want to be in or you could be in a place your at your best in... Dont let hurdles fail you everytime theres one be determined to bring the bloody thingh dfown mister... Fight for your right as a person!

KLindest regards

zeon x