The Ex, The Lover and I
04-05-2012, 09:08 AM
Hello all,
This is my first post to any type forum, but I feel that I need a totally fresh perspective into my little quandary. Okay, here it goes:
I have been HIV+ for 12 years and also dealing with major depression on and off since I was a kid. The Ex is HIV negative and we were together in a 6 year relationship. During our time together, my depression got worse and my sex drive went kaput. We became two people that loved and cared for each other very much, but we were not in love and too scared to be alone to end the relationship. We opened the relationship to allow him to play with other guys. As long as he was in bed with me at night, I was fine. So we met The Lover, who was also HIV+, but very sexual. Friendship wise, the three of us hit it off pretty well and had a threesome one night. Afterword is when I started to see the change in The Ex, as if he was losing interest in me. I didn’t care. I was wrapped up in my own little world and too depressed to care. As time went on over a couple months of meeting The Lover, as you can figure out by the names, The Ex left me for The Lover. The Ex’s explanation to the break up was that he felt “too comfortable†in our relationship and that we were destined to go down different paths. Whatever.
Needless to say, I was totally devastated, but somehow I got over it really quick, which was a shock to my friends and family, and from what I have been told, upset The Ex. I guessed that he wanted me to hurt and pine over him more than I did. Overall I think it was the best thing for me. I went on with my life in the best way I could and in this challenging process gained a new positive self-image, got onto some anti-depressant meds that actually worked, quit smoking cigarettes and lost over 100 lbs in a year just by stopping drinking anything but water.
During this year of learning to be single again, I felt I have unraveled all the binds that The Ex and I had, as well as became fast friends with The Lover. The Ex and The Lover eventually got a place together. And I thought everything was fine. I was still really good friends with The Ex and The Lover and started to get the depression under control and think about dating again.
Soon after moving in, The Lover started to confide in me that the relationship between them was not going well, and that The Ex is showing the same type of past negative behaviors that I recognized and begged him to work on, but The Ex just ignored. I felt this was okay he did not have anyone to talk to that could relate to The Ex’s behaviors.
The relationship drama between The Ex and The Lover has increasingly grown since then. The Lover feels that he was used by The Ex to get out of the relationship with me. Then again it takes two to tango, and he has apologized numerous times to me. The Lover’s depression and fear of transmission of HIV to the negative Ex has caused him to stop having sex all together. Again, they have opened the relationship to let The Ex play, but The Ex will not allow The Lover to play with other HIV+ guys he feels safe playing with. It seems that relationship between The Lover and The Ex has gotten to the point where The Lover has stated he is not sure if they will still be together after their lease is up later this year and they seem to have big blow out argument almost on a daily basis.
When I ask The Ex how things are going in the relationship, he blatantly lies and says everything is fine. So I stopped asking. Why make him lie?
When The Lover and I talk about the relationship, I try to limit my input with him, only sharing my experiences the common things The Ex has done to us both, but really trying not to give any solid advice, as I don’t want to be seen as fanning flames to break them up to hurt The Ex for hurting me, or to steal The Lover from The Ex. Yeeeeaahhh…..there is some definite chemistry between The Lover and I, as we both have the feeling of “being safe†with each of us being HIV+ and share the huge fear that we could infect someone, seems to be the main cause for the lack of sex drive.
The Lover and I seem to be bonding a friendship deeper what then The Ex and I ever had. This has also started some discussion about the two of us playing. But, trying to do the right thing, I told him I will not play/think of anything more than friendship between us unless the relationship between them is done.
So I guess the insight I am looking for is if I am I doing the right thing by validating The Lover’s concerns, but keeping my distance by limiting my comments and advice? What about my loyalty of friendship with The Ex? The Ex knows that The Lover talks/vents to me about their relationship. Should I make more effort to help things get better between them or do nothing and let it fall apart on it’s own, as it is looking like it going to happen with or without my help due to The Ex’s attitude about his behaviors. Does there need to be more boundaries with The Lover and I and if so what kinds?
Thank you in advance for reading this. Your comments, questions and concerns are warmly welcomed.
Bear
This is my first post to any type forum, but I feel that I need a totally fresh perspective into my little quandary. Okay, here it goes:
I have been HIV+ for 12 years and also dealing with major depression on and off since I was a kid. The Ex is HIV negative and we were together in a 6 year relationship. During our time together, my depression got worse and my sex drive went kaput. We became two people that loved and cared for each other very much, but we were not in love and too scared to be alone to end the relationship. We opened the relationship to allow him to play with other guys. As long as he was in bed with me at night, I was fine. So we met The Lover, who was also HIV+, but very sexual. Friendship wise, the three of us hit it off pretty well and had a threesome one night. Afterword is when I started to see the change in The Ex, as if he was losing interest in me. I didn’t care. I was wrapped up in my own little world and too depressed to care. As time went on over a couple months of meeting The Lover, as you can figure out by the names, The Ex left me for The Lover. The Ex’s explanation to the break up was that he felt “too comfortable†in our relationship and that we were destined to go down different paths. Whatever.
Needless to say, I was totally devastated, but somehow I got over it really quick, which was a shock to my friends and family, and from what I have been told, upset The Ex. I guessed that he wanted me to hurt and pine over him more than I did. Overall I think it was the best thing for me. I went on with my life in the best way I could and in this challenging process gained a new positive self-image, got onto some anti-depressant meds that actually worked, quit smoking cigarettes and lost over 100 lbs in a year just by stopping drinking anything but water.
During this year of learning to be single again, I felt I have unraveled all the binds that The Ex and I had, as well as became fast friends with The Lover. The Ex and The Lover eventually got a place together. And I thought everything was fine. I was still really good friends with The Ex and The Lover and started to get the depression under control and think about dating again.
Soon after moving in, The Lover started to confide in me that the relationship between them was not going well, and that The Ex is showing the same type of past negative behaviors that I recognized and begged him to work on, but The Ex just ignored. I felt this was okay he did not have anyone to talk to that could relate to The Ex’s behaviors.
The relationship drama between The Ex and The Lover has increasingly grown since then. The Lover feels that he was used by The Ex to get out of the relationship with me. Then again it takes two to tango, and he has apologized numerous times to me. The Lover’s depression and fear of transmission of HIV to the negative Ex has caused him to stop having sex all together. Again, they have opened the relationship to let The Ex play, but The Ex will not allow The Lover to play with other HIV+ guys he feels safe playing with. It seems that relationship between The Lover and The Ex has gotten to the point where The Lover has stated he is not sure if they will still be together after their lease is up later this year and they seem to have big blow out argument almost on a daily basis.
When I ask The Ex how things are going in the relationship, he blatantly lies and says everything is fine. So I stopped asking. Why make him lie?
When The Lover and I talk about the relationship, I try to limit my input with him, only sharing my experiences the common things The Ex has done to us both, but really trying not to give any solid advice, as I don’t want to be seen as fanning flames to break them up to hurt The Ex for hurting me, or to steal The Lover from The Ex. Yeeeeaahhh…..there is some definite chemistry between The Lover and I, as we both have the feeling of “being safe†with each of us being HIV+ and share the huge fear that we could infect someone, seems to be the main cause for the lack of sex drive.
The Lover and I seem to be bonding a friendship deeper what then The Ex and I ever had. This has also started some discussion about the two of us playing. But, trying to do the right thing, I told him I will not play/think of anything more than friendship between us unless the relationship between them is done.
So I guess the insight I am looking for is if I am I doing the right thing by validating The Lover’s concerns, but keeping my distance by limiting my comments and advice? What about my loyalty of friendship with The Ex? The Ex knows that The Lover talks/vents to me about their relationship. Should I make more effort to help things get better between them or do nothing and let it fall apart on it’s own, as it is looking like it going to happen with or without my help due to The Ex’s attitude about his behaviors. Does there need to be more boundaries with The Lover and I and if so what kinds?
Thank you in advance for reading this. Your comments, questions and concerns are warmly welcomed.
Bear
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