Me or Me...? Who is real, who is fake?

[SadSilence]

Hippidy hip hip.

My father is pissing me off real good tonight :/

I wish that the desire would go away, I again caved last night to the desire. I felt like a hand was squeezing my very existance out of me. It felt like my air ways were swelling because I had a very hard time breathing. I so deprately wanted to scream and cry but no words or tears fell. I wanted it to end, the thoughts of pills, driving the scissors deep into my wrists. I wanted the feeling of weightlessness to disappear, and take the feeling like a million pounds along with it.

What fucking more can you take from me!? You've taken my godamn will try in school, you've sapped just about every ounce of energy I have left, but I still somehow defy you in keeping a small bit. Reserved for me when I need it. You've taken my compassion, my tenderness, my will to be nice and care. Or is it I am stronger and buried it so far down you can't reach it? What kind of monster beats a person when they already lie beaten and crush? Will you please stop or finally take my will to breath.

But what I do know is the monster. Me. I've always known but never been able to put my finger on it until last night. I don't mean to... It just happens before I can think about it or what I am doing. How do I stop it? I can't help but soak up all the saddness, anger, hatred, sorrow, guilt, pain, and everything in between them. Am I trying to break myself under the weight and pressure? If so, when will I break or if I have why do I continue to do it? I just don't know. I don't get it, this hollowness. The echos inside my body and the phantom voices that dance around my head...

[Nick9]

SadSilence,
how does this counseling or seeing a therapist work? Was it your father doing?
I think that he is more lost than you are. Trying to help, but not knowing how to. And from the frustration comes anger, from the fear arises aggression.

Does your father talk with you therapist? Has the therapist suggested it? Has you? I am finding it hard to believe that you can be left alone in it. It is always a problem of the whole family. People simply don't understand why you are this way and more likely have no idea how exactly to help you.

And I think that one of his emotions is guilt. From what you have said, he may very well feel guilty for what had happened to you and be full of remorse. Those feelings can also easily lead to hopelessness and frustration and anger.

And SadSilence, I had a feeling that those toll free helpline were 24/7. I have no idea, so, can you use a phone in the night when nobody knows and you feel down?

You've taken my compassion, my tenderness, my will to be nice and care. Or is it I am stronger and buried it so far down you can't reach it?

I can still see it and feel it from your posts, SadSilence. Nobody can take that away from you. No matter how they harm you, they can't take that away from you. It is only your decision whether to show it and help yourself and other people, or keep it hidden. But it will always be there.

[Rainbowmum]

I have to agree with Nick.

No one can take away anything from you ,if you do not let them.
You are empowering by allowing.

Take the power back, people will only treat you the way you allow them to.
You are only a victim , if you see yourself as one.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You are not a monster. You may feel like one, but you are not.

How can I know, because you feel like you are monster. We both know real monsters don't feel that way about themselves.