Confused, need some guidance
05-18-2012, 11:22 PM
Hello everybody. First off, this could be considered graphic in spots, im just trying to paint a good picture for anybody reading this. I just want to start off by telling you a little bit about me. I was born and raised in a military family. My father was always either fighting oversees, or on duty for weeks at a time until i was about 13 years old. So for the most part i was really raised by my mom. My mom was a very nurturing person and you could definitely a mommas boy. 
I also had an older sister who was 2 years older than me, who loved me, but also bullied me when she felt up to it (sibling love). I remember as a young kid that I really enjoyed playing dolls with my sister, and also when i was about 8, my sister would practice putting make-up on me. I honestly didnt mind, it was fun. I would also play with my army men and do boy things just as much. Anywho, I didnt really feel any sexual attraction till I was about 11-12 years old, but my sexual attraction wasnt towards the opposite sex, it was towards one of my close friends, who i could tell also had feelings for me. From the time I was 13-14 years old, we would "play" around with each other. I guess you could say it was more fooling around, nothing where we actually had sex with each other. However, he would go to his older sisters room and bring her clothes over, to include panties and a bra over and have me wear them. He would strip me down to where i was only wearing panties and a bra, and then he would take the bra off, and suck on my nipples. He would tell me how pretty i was and it was such a great feeling that i havent felt since this last happened. He would also dry hump me, and we would pretend to have sex, this would last for an hour, if his parents were not home, or mine were not home. Although smaller in stature to me, he always appeared to be more dominate towards me, and i tended to be submissive to him looking back at it. Later when i was 14 I moved with my family to a different state with no friends, and hardly any contact with my previous friend. I never really considered myself as gay or anything like that, but considered it more of a phase that i would probably grow out of. I never knew any gay people so to speak, so i figured my prior activity was a semi-normal activity that boys grew out of. Well by this time i was in high school and the normal thing to do was to be in a relationship with a girl. I had always wanted a real girlfriend but never really took a shot at getting one in this time period. I was realizing really quick that i was not growing out of my sexual tendencies discussed earlier and that i was now also starting to get a small attraction to the woman physique. I can look at a woman and admire her behavior and her figure, and I long for a relationship with a beautiful woman, having a slight sexual attraction to the opposite sex, my sex drive primarily comes from the thought of having sex with men. I look at men more sexually than i do woman, but want a woman for the relationship. I often have dreams where i am a woman, and these dreams are usually sexual, and it feels right when i have dreams like this.
I am a christian, I always will be. Growing up i was taught that gays, and lesbians are wrong, and that they are in sin. So I am always thinking that there is something wrong with me because i feel this way. People say that being lesbian, gay, bi, or trans, is a choice, and that they can stop at any time. I have tried to stop, and it always fails. I always have these sexual thoughts and tendencies. I try my best to control them, but sometimes things slip out, and people question me, they usually think i am kidding cause i play it off that way, but im usually not kidding. I feel so frustrated that I cant really identify my sexual orientation. Its easy to just say that i am bi, because of my sexual attraction to both, even though my attraction to men is higher in terms of sex, than it is women. I feel more feminine than not also. I am honestly jealous of women sometimes. But i also enjoy manly activities too.
Im Just confused, I came on here for some guidance and some help. I have friends that have told me before that they didnt care if I was gay or bi, but i play it off like im "normal". Clearly i do not fall in the "normal" category. My parents wouldnt accept me being gay or bi, and i was raised that it is wrong. How could i attempt to stop something that is wrong, and continue to fail every time, I feel as if i have no control. I try to be straight, but I still have thoughts about men. I believe in god, and i have a very strong faith. I just dont understand myself. If someone could shed some light on this for me, and just talk to me, i would appreciate it very much
PS i apologize in advance if there are parts of this post that dont make sense, I am very emotional right now, and havent ever really told anybody this much about me, but im lonely, and need to open up.
Thanks,
Unkown21
I also had an older sister who was 2 years older than me, who loved me, but also bullied me when she felt up to it (sibling love). I remember as a young kid that I really enjoyed playing dolls with my sister, and also when i was about 8, my sister would practice putting make-up on me. I honestly didnt mind, it was fun. I would also play with my army men and do boy things just as much. Anywho, I didnt really feel any sexual attraction till I was about 11-12 years old, but my sexual attraction wasnt towards the opposite sex, it was towards one of my close friends, who i could tell also had feelings for me. From the time I was 13-14 years old, we would "play" around with each other. I guess you could say it was more fooling around, nothing where we actually had sex with each other. However, he would go to his older sisters room and bring her clothes over, to include panties and a bra over and have me wear them. He would strip me down to where i was only wearing panties and a bra, and then he would take the bra off, and suck on my nipples. He would tell me how pretty i was and it was such a great feeling that i havent felt since this last happened. He would also dry hump me, and we would pretend to have sex, this would last for an hour, if his parents were not home, or mine were not home. Although smaller in stature to me, he always appeared to be more dominate towards me, and i tended to be submissive to him looking back at it. Later when i was 14 I moved with my family to a different state with no friends, and hardly any contact with my previous friend. I never really considered myself as gay or anything like that, but considered it more of a phase that i would probably grow out of. I never knew any gay people so to speak, so i figured my prior activity was a semi-normal activity that boys grew out of. Well by this time i was in high school and the normal thing to do was to be in a relationship with a girl. I had always wanted a real girlfriend but never really took a shot at getting one in this time period. I was realizing really quick that i was not growing out of my sexual tendencies discussed earlier and that i was now also starting to get a small attraction to the woman physique. I can look at a woman and admire her behavior and her figure, and I long for a relationship with a beautiful woman, having a slight sexual attraction to the opposite sex, my sex drive primarily comes from the thought of having sex with men. I look at men more sexually than i do woman, but want a woman for the relationship. I often have dreams where i am a woman, and these dreams are usually sexual, and it feels right when i have dreams like this. I am a christian, I always will be. Growing up i was taught that gays, and lesbians are wrong, and that they are in sin. So I am always thinking that there is something wrong with me because i feel this way. People say that being lesbian, gay, bi, or trans, is a choice, and that they can stop at any time. I have tried to stop, and it always fails. I always have these sexual thoughts and tendencies. I try my best to control them, but sometimes things slip out, and people question me, they usually think i am kidding cause i play it off that way, but im usually not kidding. I feel so frustrated that I cant really identify my sexual orientation. Its easy to just say that i am bi, because of my sexual attraction to both, even though my attraction to men is higher in terms of sex, than it is women. I feel more feminine than not also. I am honestly jealous of women sometimes. But i also enjoy manly activities too.
Im Just confused, I came on here for some guidance and some help. I have friends that have told me before that they didnt care if I was gay or bi, but i play it off like im "normal". Clearly i do not fall in the "normal" category. My parents wouldnt accept me being gay or bi, and i was raised that it is wrong. How could i attempt to stop something that is wrong, and continue to fail every time, I feel as if i have no control. I try to be straight, but I still have thoughts about men. I believe in god, and i have a very strong faith. I just dont understand myself. If someone could shed some light on this for me, and just talk to me, i would appreciate it very much
PS i apologize in advance if there are parts of this post that dont make sense, I am very emotional right now, and havent ever really told anybody this much about me, but im lonely, and need to open up.
Thanks,
Unkown21
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Scorpio
Live our your fantasies so long as they follow the law and you're with a consenting adult and all, but be safe as well. 
