At Work (for a friend)

[Lilmy87]

Hi Everyone,
Just thought I'd ask some advice here, because my flatmate has been fretting about an issue at work and I wondered if you had any suggestions.

He has just started a new job, which he enjoys, and feels that his colleagues have been friendly and welcoming. However, he is not out at work yet. This is not through any decision; he would not hide his sexuality, but does not wish to make a grand announcement either (I doubt many people do!).

On starting a new job, I suppose the newbie is often quizzed about personal circumstances etc. I suppose a degree of gossiping goes on. I know in my job, some people have been know to devote time to speculating about the sexuality of new staff members. :/ When he started his last job, he was soon asked in conversation if he had a partner, and at the time he did, so in explaining that he did have a boyfriend, he was able to come out quickly and easily.

However, he is now single. He has been asked a number of times if he has a girlfriend to which he has simply answered no- what more is there to say? Now, coming out may not matter too much at work to some, but he has picked up that there are perhaps rumours/'suspicions'. The other day, two people were making the drinks for everyone and he over heard a joke; one staff member asked the other if my friend usually had tea or coffee, to which the other answered 'He swings both ways, doesn't he?', to which they both laughed. Another time, he was told that there would be a few other guys on shift to assist him so, he'd 'have 3 men to play with', which made a few people laugh. He has also experienced a particular person talking to him on a number of occasions about gay people/gay bars/gay pride etc etc. He wonders if this is them being kind and sort of 'inviting' him to come out. being quite reserved, he has tended to respond in such a way that doesn't particularly give away his own sexuality.

So, due to a feeling that people are discussing him and questioning it, my friend is keen to have it out in the open, but wonder how to do this. He is also unsure how he feels about some of the jokes.

What would you suggest is best to do in this situation?
Thanks,
Hannah x

[jamiebfd]

Well he could wait until he begins dating and when he is at work he could conversate about his dates.
That way he isnt making an announcment about it but doing it casually.
If there is gossip at work he only has to tell one person and the lot will find out. so he could talk to the person he knows the most at work. Or maybe he could even pretend he has a date....just so he can get it out.
Once he says... "i have a date with this guy at the weekend"
or something similar...its done. The conversation will put it to rest.
And then...maybe the jokes wont persist either as they will be more considerate toward him.

hope this helps

[zeon]

Hello there,
Sorry to hear your friend is going through this... Under employment rules and regulations if someone is making a joke which another person may find deeming un acceptable then s/he has the right to make an offical complaint against a member of staff.. I know with me as a personal thing i come out immediately that way there is no bones left in the closet so to speak and i often say if someone cannot accept who i am thats not my problem... Arrogant I agree however it does tie things in line.. I would maybe suggest your mate thinks fuck it ive come out once i can do it again at work and if people have issues then keep a diary and after six months of hell present the evidence to management with time and dates because no matter where you are in the UK employment rules have a right to look after the well being of staff and if jokes turn to nastyness then that is the time to take it to the management and if they fail to act take it higher than them and if still no end to this then it will be a case of taking the company to a tribunal as a way to teach them equality stands in an office/coimpany whether they like it or not

[worknlife]

To be honest with you. I try to keep my personal life and my professional life separated. Sometimes people will ‘know’ that I’m gay and bring up side conversations like gay marriage or gay rights. I simply answer them and keep the conversation moving. I personally do not say anything regarding my sexuality except for a few people that I have become closer to. I mostly tell people that “I am seeing someone” or that “I’m not seeing anyone and no I don’t need a cupid”. Trust me if people don’t know your business they are going to make it up and act like it’s the truth. I did have an overzealous co-worker once that I simply had to say “this is none of your business”. As for the jokes go if I don’t find it funny I will tell people that I don’t find it funny and I will walk-a-way from them, they will usually come back and apologize about it later. I hope this helps out your friend.

[Rainbowmum]

To be honest , I really don't see what business his sexuality is to his work colleagues.
As a rule I keep work and personal life separate.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He is taking this all too personal.

There is really three ways to go about this.

1. Throw a 'coming out party' and invite all the coworkers.

2. Continue taking it personal and allowing all of this to hurt him.

3. Take up the jokes and learn some witty comebacks and keep them guessing.

The last is perhaps the best route to take. This way he is 'in' on the joke and is not the joke itself.

I bet there is really no interest in his sexuality but a huge interest in ribbing the 'new guy' and seeing if the new guy will fit in and participate in the fun and games or if the new guy will run to mommy.

There may be one or two guys interested - really interested - in knowing the answer. However this comes to office romances which I have mixed feelings about and will leave to another thread.

[Lilmy87]

Just to be clear, he is actually a very nice person, with integrity and dignity and such like. He is only 19 and quite shy. I think he'd rather keep work life quite seperate, which is why rumours and jokes are uncomfortable. He's not really one for banter and jokes with people he doesn't know well.

Some people find a new member of staff being gay really interesting and gossip worthy, I have worked with such people. I think most maybe do not though.

Also I suppose sometimes a person is assumed straight 'til proven otherwise, so that builds a closet from which to come out, and that can be awkward. I can see why this is a bit troubling for him. It's not like it's a huge deal, but he has mentioned it and asked my views about it.

[dfiant]

Hello! work place harrassment and bullying. I would have my staff out on their arse if they behaved like this toward any other team member regardless of weather it was about sexuality, race, gender or religion.

Your friend is there to work, and unless he is a sex worker then his sexuality and relationship status is no ones business let alone cause for redicule and gossip.

Your friend just need to continue answering honestly 'No I am single' and leave it at that.

Bloody hell, I would fire people for that behaviour, what a disgusting bunch of work 'mates' your friend has.

[monk]

Personally, I'd tell them. Give them something to talk about - for two minutes - subject over.

But, there again, I'm not a shy 19-year-old, and I do understand how difficult it can be.

Good luck with whatever he decides to do.

[pellaz]

there is some advantage to being out, if you want to be that way:
at work i outed my self; did some research who was the company gossip. went straight to their office, closed the door and said I was gay. We talked a bit what gay meant, I was satisfied the gossip was on the right track and left. Later in the day I put a pic of my partner on my desk. done.