Fear of Sex?

[cityboy]

ok bear with me- I've started this in the Relationships section for a reason.

I'm 21 and moved to New York City about 2 years ago- I've experienced a little over-the-collar action since but really had only one serious boyfriend (for about 8 months last year).
I was completely sexually inactive throughout my high school years before I moved; most definitely a late-bloomer.

Sexually my last relationship was less than fulfilling, to put it diplomatically.
I really liked him, but he was a little on the lazy and monotonous side in bed; perplexed by his inability to really turn me on during sex (he was always contently aroused) and unwilling to experiment- I had no idea why it wasn't working for me or what I really liked so wasn't in much of a position to domineer or communicate. Things ended on a fizzling note.

It's been a couple of months since we split and I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing out on a sex life.
All my friends seem to be getting their freak on all over town- I just feel so freaked out by the idea of getting intimate with a relative stranger; even for the prospect of dating.

I know it sounds a litte self-involved, but I'm irked but the concept of exposing myself physically and emotionally to another; yet I worry that if I don't start to break down my barriers sexually and shake off this creeping anxiety through experience, history will just repeat with the next guy I get seriously involved with!

I'd so appreciate some advice on all this- has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing?

[pellaz]

use it or loose it
I sense your not ready to deal with yourself and extend the blame outside your self.

[cityboy]

use it or loose it
I sense your not ready to deal with yourself and extend the blame outside your self.

Could you elaborate? What do you mean when you say deal with yourself?

[Ind]

use it or loose it
I sense your not ready to deal with yourself and extend the blame outside your self.

auch.


Some people never go for one night stands with strangers. That doesn't mean, though, that they don't have fulfilling sex lives.

It does sound that anxiety might be getting in your way. There's lots of pressure to look hot, act sexy and have a hard on all night long. Could be especially hard given the lack of experience.

Well, as you said yourself - you're a late bloomer. Give it some time. You might end up in a more fulfilling relationship and the problem will sort itself out. Or you might end up trying out one night stands. Either way, I am sure it will sort itself out.

[avidcyclistMTB]

So, I have an idea. Don't expose yourself physically, but get the guts up to let your emotions happen a little bit if you think there's something there with the next guy you meet. You don't have to totally open yourself up and feel exposed if you aren't really into someone. Eventually you might feel a physical attraction with someone and be uninhibited unlike your previous relationship.

Sounds like your former BF's lack of interest set you up to think you'll fail next time. You left him behind, now leave his B.S. behind too and be yourself.

[pellaz]

... but he was a little on the lazy and monotonous side in bed; perplexed by his inability to really turn me on during sex (he was always contently aroused) and unwilling to experiment
...
but I'm irked but the concept of exposing myself physically and emotionally to another; yet I worry that if I don't start to break down my barriers sexually and shake off this creeping anxiety through experience

it sounds like you were expecting him to show you something you did not already know. He was unwilling for what ever reason but you could still do what you want with him. Just you have to start the project slow and work up to it. If both you guys trust each other for this you dont have to give out your bank account passwords.

-Think in terms of where your personal anxiety comes from; could this help.
-You could find a more aggressive partner next time. But better to raise you level of desire and lovingly bring your partner with you. Could you call the old bf in a few months?
-Both of you have to want a relationship, what ever shape it takes
-People are odd in that you often have to repeat the obvious a few times for them to want to understand what you want.

[dfiant]

Too much importantance being placed on sex, you can never have fun with sex as long as you figure that having sex is the be all and end all.

Sex without intimacy...*YAWNS*

Sounds like you are looking at things the wrong way mate.

Try a new perspective

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm 46 and have only been with 8 men in my whole life (sexually). 2 were serious attempts at one night stands. The sex was less than satisfying for me with them.

I need more than just a sexual handshake, I need for there to be love, intimacy a sharing that goes beyond mere sex. If those things don't exist then sex is not satisfying and even a bit limp... Pardon the pun

If you were not fully connected to this guy as a lover, then the problem may not be a sexual one, but one where you did not connect and did not feel all that you need in the relationship to were sex goes from mere lust to being something deeper and more fulfilling.

Yes, true, lots of people are out there having casual sex. Also mind that lots of people are out there with herpes, genital warts, gonorrhea, Chlamydia, HIV and other things with pretty names. Now they are taking bout getting but cancer through sex.

So maybe your not wanting to have mindless casual sex may be a good thing...

[DerJack]

Thanks everyone. I've been gone from the forum a bit and just decided to peruse this morning with my breakfast, only to find a thread addressing exactly what I've been battling over in my head spelled out here.

I had my first couple of brief sexual encounters just a couple weeks ago, and they were.... well I dunno, I couldn't get hard for him, but got really excited when I got him off. There obviously was not the right level of connection for me to be satisfied, which had been a concern of mine all along.

I'm not shy to go out and keep experimenting when I find someone new to connect with (hopefully more strongly) but I do have to admit that these first few experiences may have made me a wee bit more self conscious about the future...

[zeon]

Hello,
I learnt the art of sex by not being ashamed that all im into is soft sex known as vanilla... Whips and chains do not excitement and a big cock HURTS..... I often got blunt with shags by stating something like this after they ego boosted themselves

What do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on because lets face it... Both you havent got!