Should I ask these questions

[valentino]

Hello guys,

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, my bf decided to end our relationship. We were in a long distance relationship for a year and a couple of months. Just the day before I made the long trip, he sounded so happy that I was coming. But once at his place, he said he'd lost the spark, and now wanted to focus on this new job and that I am no longer his priority and that if someday I was to move away very very far, he would not miss me and that he has commitment problems. It was the only time, I threw a temper around, I was so deeply hurt. I had loved him very deeply and innocently, never expecting anything in return (I know I give a lot of space, freedom and care to the one I love), but not expecting either to be dumped.

Since then, we've been in a non-communication mode (NC), except for a few sms texts going back and forth to find out when we can talk. At one stage, I asked him how he was doing and he said he's keeping busy. Does that mean he's forcing himself to be busy? Earlier, either of us would call the other to talk for a few minutes at least.

I have spent hours reading into my mistakes and there were big ones.

We might talk someday. And I would like to keep the talk light, airy and easy and above all, try my best not to make him feel guilty.

But there are some things I want to tell him. So should I try to hint that I'd like to talk to him a second time? Or should I write a letter after some weeks?

Things I want to ask him are :

Is he still sad and hurt? No one likes to be tagged as the dumper. I want to tell him he should forgive himself and move on, because he needs his positive energy for his new job. I have already forgiven him and hold no hard feelings towards him.

Has he told his friends and sister that it's over? I had grown close to them and it was a jolly band when we were all together at bars, clubs etc. I wonder if they'll wonder what went wrong with me? But even more important is that if he's told them, they'll support him, which will make me feel good even if he paints a wrong picture of me (which I strongly doubt-he's not the kind of person who'd lie to get support). Why would I feel good? Because I think everyone deserves to have a support mechanism and he's only out to his friends and sister and it's not easy to be openly gay where he lives. Si if he talks to them, it will help.

Is he jealous of me? We come from different cultures and countries, so misinterpretations can lead to jealousy easily.

Could he vent out at me all his anger and frustrations from our relationship? He holds some grudges from his past due to things that others did to him, from his childhood and previous relationships. I can't undo that part, but I guess if he releases his negative feelings about our relationship, he and his next bf will start without less of excess baggage from the past.

There are so many questions on my mind... it's hard to think clearly.

I wonder if someone also has had a similar experience.

Thanks for your answers, guys.

With warmth.
v

[Dean]

From what i have read above, i can conclude a little that you are too "nice".

In a relationship it should be balanced. with multiple emotions or ,let's say, personalities. If you are too mellow, all the time, then it is no longer attractive.

relationship is a two-way road. you need to feel if he really cares about you. not because he looks sad then it means anything. if he shows no care. then you better start looking for another man who cares. remember, not to have the same mistake again as in ur previous relationship.

i am not saying ur ex is a bad guy. I more believe that he does have a issue to have a new job and want to move on instead of simply wanting to breakup with you. my point is, if it can not be saved, then get on with a new life, for both good.

[valentino]

Hoi Dean, Danks.

I understand what you mean. And to tell you the truth, I have moved on, I am no longer expecting him to come back. I feel it is over. My questions are more based from the perspective of a friend (with no strings attached) than that of an ex-bf.

Tot ziens

[Dean]

Hoi Dean, Danks.

I understand what you mean. And to tell you the truth, I have moved on, I am no longer expecting him to come back. I feel it is over. My questions are more based from the perspective of a friend (with no strings attached) than that of an ex-bf.

Tot ziens

I was a bit surprised that you use some dutch greeting words. hehehehe

well, that's true. you are a good man coz you think for someone you care. that's a wonderful feeling to see. really.

I wish you find your love soon.

[Dean]

Relationship with different cultural background is NOT EASY.

I fully understand that. Even language no problem, but there are some things that not language can solve. sometimes a reaction or gesture can differ which result in strange effects.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The only mistake was thinking that you can maintain a long distance relationship.

All of the talking in the world, video phone chats, Text Messages, Chatting, Phone calls do not make up for the lack of touch, cuddling, sex, etc.

Even marriages were one partner is shipped off overseas for a few years can fall apart. Plenty of military personnel get the 'Dear John' letter. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_John_letter

We humans evolved for millions of years with our potential mate right next to us physically. Granted, we have grown a fore-brain (the ability to reason) and have developed technologies to span great distances. However the emotions we have developed during that very long period where humans and the species that lead up to us were constantly face to face with potential mates. Thus our emotional selves require physical contact, the ability to actually see our potential mate, to smell our mate, etc.

The lack of fulfilling these other senses often kills potential love relationships. No amount of reasoning can overcome the basic needs that we evolved with. A bit of reasoning may make it easier for us to accept a distance, as long as their is a real hope for a future. But even then that is not terribly certain - even short separations can cause the emotional side of us to 'give up' on the hope of a future.

It is obvious that he is emotionally unable (not unwilling- he has no ability) to deal with this distance and feel like he is in a relationship.

Thus the easiest thing for him to to break off this long distance relationship and hope to find one closer to home where he can satisfy the inner animal.

Intellectually you may have forgiven him, but the way you worded the first question:

Is he still sad and hurt? No one likes to be tagged as the dumper.

Tells me you are still hurting and have not fully forgiven him.

He is throwing himself at work (keeping busy) to ease pain? Most likely - but then most likely he really is busy and doesn't have time to pursue a long distance relationship.

Has he told his pals/sister? Most likely - but then again maybe not if he is hurting too much.

Does he want to be asked all of these questions? The fact that he is keeping communication to a minimum right now tells me no.

Will he ever want to talk? Unknown. If he is like me and sees this as over, then he most likely has concluded there is no reason to talk of this ever again. Its over, move on.

If he is like you, he may want to talk and discuss this further when the pain isn't as keen. How long that may be is an unknown.

He has made it clear he doesn't want more. He wants it to end.

Let it end, move on with your life.

[zeon]

Hello,
I know relationships are never nice when they end but if he ended it it is best to respect his wishes.. I know when you truely love someone and you dont want it to end andf it does you do what you can to get it back but it only then makes you look a pest so best thing... Love him enough to let him go and in return your not waste your life chasing your tail.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello valentino,
First let me say , I am so sorry you were treated that way, nobody deserves that.
I can't tell you what went wrong , and why he called it off,and there is nothing I can say to ease the heartache.

Unfortunately your ex has all the answers, perhaps he will be able to give you closure.
For now , do not get your hopes up or read too much into the things he says.

I wont lie to you , it;s hard to let go , but that's what you have to do , so you can move on.

[valentino]

Thank you guys. It's been nice to read your posts. I guess moving on doesn't happen in a click and takes some time. I'm realizing I probably no more want to go back to him as there's no point in going back to where we were if he's not changing his behavior. Thanks again guys.

[judith4live]

for what we i do that,