Suicide

[Ken051]

Hey guys its been a while since i posted on here, mainly due to alot of personal issues. One of them is once i confronted my sexuality and came out to some of my friends my thoughts of suicide have come back ten fold.

I've been struggling with suicide since the 5ht grade and it did quiet down in high school. Over the past few months it has gotten worse. It is always in the back of my mind, and it seems to me it has come back due to me dealing with my sexuality. It is (these suicide thoughts) are causing me to have major anxiety attacks. I had an attack in the middle of jury duty, while being in the jurors box. Thankfully I was able to get out and I got excused from it. The attacks seem to be getting worse and worse. I came home one night after a particularly bad day and I have a bottle of jeauger left over from a party at my house. It is just enough to get me drunk. My mind kept telling me just drink it f**k this world no one is home and I can do what I want. I know when I get drunk I lose alot of control over my body. It took alot just to stop myself from drinking that stuff.

At this point I feel like shutting down and going back to the way I, was labeling myself as straight again or just bi and calling it a day just to stop these thoughts. All my close friends are gone and i dont know what to do.....I was in counseling but I dont want to go back. I cant talk to my parents again because they will make me go back into counseling. I cant talk to my roommate because he has enough on his plate as it is....
I have to keep myself really busy just to keep these thoughts down.

[mrk2010]

Right, I know this is going to sound so cliche but I tried to kill myself a few years ago and it didn't work, even after that I thought about doing it again because I felt my life wasn't worth living and that I had nothing to look forward too. This stemmed from my sexuality and I felt that I would never accept it. In time I have grown stronger, I came out to my family and friends and before I did it I felt that I was going to die, I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't do it. Since then I have had problems I self harmed, which I conquered, I stopped the depression and I moved on. All of these experiences have made me stronger, the have made me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. Since then I have made gay friends, I have been social I've had a boyfriend who was a right evil bastard, but yeat again this has shaped me. Today I think "If I had killed myself, I would have missed out on everything I've done". It may sound a bit cliche, it does get better, if you can stick it out and fight. Take small steps, it will be hard, I'm not going to lie. Also I would suggest you cut out the alcohol as its a depressant hence the reason I drink lightly and only in a social situation.

You have my full support mr.

[Toby]

Hello Ken051,

I'm sorry that you're struggling with those thoughts, but it's great that you came here to talk about it. I can relate a bit about the difficulty after coming out. When I came out I thought it was going to fix all my problems and this huge weight was going to be lifted off my chest and the good guys would win, and the clouds would rain gold, and puppies would shit rainbows and on and on... but none of that happened (except for the puppies thing this one time, which was actually a lot more disturbing than you would expect).

I also know what it feels like to have your close friends leave you. That one really sucks. But it sounds like (and I apologize if I'm inferring too much) your forcing yourself to withdraw from other who care about you because you think that you'd be pushing yourself on them.

My advice would be: don't do that. You can't know (or guess) what others are thinking and you can't not allow yourself to talk to them because you think you're doing them a favor. In this kind of situation you should put yourself first and allow others to respond however they will. That's not being selfish, it's being courteous if anything.

And try not to hesitate coming to the board here. When I force myself to post here and interact with others, even if I feel sort of uncomfortable doing so initially, I always feel better.

The worst thing about depression and suicidal thoughts are the illusions that the feelings are permanent. They're not, no matter how much it feels that way. Stick it out long enough and you'll always remember what beauty feels like again.

P.S. Thanks for the getting out of jury tip!

[Rainbowmum]

Hello Ken,
First let me say , there is no reset button on life , suicide is a double edged sword that keeps on cutting all those that love and care for you long after the deed is done.

There is nothing in this world that is worth your life.
As a mother I can tell you , there is no pain greater than the loss of a child.
It is every parents greatest fear, it's not the way nature intends things to be.

You are still so very young, do not let the negativeness of societies labels grind you down.
Sweetie you are perfect the way you are .
There is nothing wrong with you , there is nothing to be ashamed of , you are exactly the way you were meant to be.

Please do not let the views of the damaged side of society, who live in the dark ages get to you.
Look around you , nature has no labels, animals and we are animals are perfect just the way they are.

Sweetie you need to get some professional help , so you have the tools to help you cope with things.
We are all here for you and yes we care about your well being.

[dfiant]

Ken, you need an outlet, counselling on your own terms rather than someone pressuring you to go might not be a bad thing. At leats you can verbalise what you are feeling and hear yourself saying what is bothering you, making the problem a little more real and a shit load easier to deal with.

Don't dismiss a kind ear even if it does mean you choosing a couple of couselling sessions.

[azulai]

Hi, Ken.
I have to echo what's been said above. As far as coming out (I came out last year to my family), I have said before and I'll say again, I didn't feel that weight lifted at all. The onslaught of emotions, self-doubt, and outright fear that I experienced after was far from the "freedom" that a lot of people go on about. And, my family was/is very supportive.

As I settled down I realized it was that I was now exposed. I was worried about what my parents were discussing in private. I was worried that my younger sisters would not feel the same way about me. It took me a while to, I guess, trust them that they did in deed still love me. I was afraid that everything I had worked so hard to accomplish would tumble down. Yeah, I had moments where I felt the walls were closing in. But, I had my safeties in place (I run and cycle, I play music. and I meditate). I also had my commitment to MYSELF, that I would only treat myself good, i.e. no harm. It took me quite a while to feel at peace with coming out.

As mrk said, you have to fight through these feelings you are having. And, you'll be surprised how strong you become. I worked really hard to build myself back up, accept myself and move forward. As the others have said, I'm in awe of the moments that I would have missed; you will be too.

Don't give up on yourself. Be patient with yourself. It does take time for some of us to get our balance back. Coming out is NOT easy.

Fight for your future. Don't let anyone's prejudices take away your dreams.

So, there are quite a few of us here who can relate in some fashion. Don't be afraid to talk this out. There is also the Trevor Lifeline: 866-488-7386, where there are people specifically trained to help with this.

[BeautifulBlue]

Hi Ken,

I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. <3

I was having extreme suicidal thoughts near the end of 2010 and it was getting to the point where I did want to kill myself. It was a constant cycle of depression, downward mood swings, etc. A choice event forced me to go to the doctor and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My roommate also recently had to go on Prozac for his depression.

If you feel comfortable explaining (in private, if you're like) what you're symptoms are, maybe I could help you. I agree that counseling is a great thing, but if you're dealing with something like chemical depression, there's only so much counseling can do you for.

Come to the board if you need to vent, etc. I've been here for a week and I already feel LEAGUES better about a lot of stuff.

[matty7]

happy to see u back on GS posting, try to stay here and chat more, post about how your feeling when your really down, putting it down in writing will help im sure, many people here have been through these suicidal thoughts, unfortunatly its common amoung people coming to terms with thier sexuality - why not take up BeautifulBlue's kind offer to discuss things, also have a look around the web for help groups where people are having similar difficulties, i know u dont like goin back to counceling but in combination with your doctor this is a really good way to bring this illness under controll, to a proffesional your brain is just like any other part of you body and an illness is there to be treated as they would with a flu or broken leg, suffering in silence is very risky mate and could end up in a downward spiral, be brave and go for help

[princealbertofb]

Ken, you need an outlet, counselling on your own terms rather than someone pressuring you to go might not be a bad thing. At leats you can verbalise what you are feeling and hear yourself saying what is bothering you, making the problem a little more real and a shit load easier to deal with.

Don't dismiss a kind ear even if it does mean you choosing a couple of couselling sessions.

I'd like to add to Dfiant's kind and wise words that you don't have to stick to one counsellor if you find he or she is not doing the job properly, or if you don't tick with them, or can't see anything happening in the way you need things to happen. You can try another counsellor until you find the right person to talk to. Maybe you can ask around you, maybe your doctor, if they know of someone competent.

[avidcyclistMTB]

Ken, I'm so glad you came here and said something. So many of us have been at the edge of suicide. It was many years ago for me and seems like ancient history. I think the advice to not shy away from your friends is good. Let them alienate you if they so choose but don't do it for them.

I know the voice of reason is hard to hear right now having been through bouts of severe depression and thoughts of suicide myself, but the other side is there. You may not see it now, but it's there.

Therapy has been my savior. Just having a neutral 3rd party to vent my feelings to is so important for me. There are good therapists out there and perhaps your counseling sessions were with the wrong person. A therapist can also help determine if you have chemical imbalances based on your behavior and get you a step closer to the medical aspect if that's what's needed.

Please stay with us and thanks for reaching out. Know that you have support here, so stick around.