Dating a (much older) man

[fenris]

I think it can be a good thing between friends... but for my opinion only without sex ...and not as a realtionship between lovers. My opinion is that a love between a 43 and a 20 y.o. is like a dance between a lamb and a wolf.....
But as friends it can be very important for both ....

Before a few month a 20 y.o. bisexual guy asked me if I can be his friend .... he has many problems at home and so on.... As a friend it is Ok .. but if I think that he should be my lover ...no ..thanks ... he can´t be strong enough to handle a 44 y.o.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So when you were born he was already out in the bars drinking and carrying on for two years as an adult.

While you were in kindergarten he was tearing it up with what his first? second, 12th lover? (you: 5, him: 28)

He grew up in a totally different world than you did. His thoughts and habits were formed by a world WITHOUT MTV, without cable TV, (hell not even HDTV). We didn't have computers in every home, no internet, no instant messaging. We had to go home to use a landlines (and many of us had a rotary dial that took like forever to dial a phone number). When we left home we were totally out of contact for HOURS. And it was so for all of our friends as well.

Can you comprehend that world? Can you envision how we lived and how we developed socially in that world where everyone was out of contact?

Tell me, did you watch Andy Koffman on the show Taxi - Lots of kids did, it was a big deal. Let me list a few more names that were well known by my generation when we were kids:

Bob Marley, Carroll O'Connor, Divine, Walter Cronkite, Steve Clark, River Phoenix, Johnny Carson... Hint: They are all dead, most were on TV back when I was growing up.

I was with a couple of guys who were 15 years my senior, and just 15 years was enough to cause us to be two different. Yeah sure I knew about the Civil Rights movement and the protests and Woodstock. I was 3 years old when Woodstock took place, One of the guys I dated was 17 and was there.

By the time I was 17 the world was a much, much different place. I actually cannot 'relate' to the world of the 1960's - I was alive, a baby, a toddler - in elementary school thus all of those things of that decade were pretty alien to me.

You are going to have the same problem. The 1980's and the 1990's YOU Are going to see through a child's eye. He will be looking at these decades as a young adult.

Those decades formed him, formed his opinions (and mine too and anyone else 40+) We are products of those times and no matter how cool we are with our touch pad phones and being on the internet, we are still products of the age before these technologies.

Sure, he can be your friend, and he most likely has some worthwhile advice to throw your way (which you being 20 will discard and see as stupid, until you are 40+).

But can you really be lovers? Mates? Companions who can relate to one another on so many levels that are tied into to the times and eras and cultures that we are raised in?

I'm not saying it won't be fun - but there will be a missed connection between you two. He will look back fondly at the era of Reaganomics and you will be saying 'Ray-gun what?'

[pellaz]

I am an older man:
-i dont sex anyone -10years
-i have a daughter older than you
-if i can help someone i do just that, no strings attached... or i dont do it

my advice: lower your expectations to zero and if you still want to meet up fine.

[Rikki]

That's sad bowyn, real sad that you think people aren't able to appreciate and thus connect simply because of the fads that were "of their respective times". People are always being shaped regardless of what era they grew up in - there is only one time in a persons life and that is there Life Time, which lasts their whole life - so there is no reason why two people of vastly different ages cannot connect. Your post suggests that all older people are rigid and stuck in the past, and that all young people are immature and shallow. Whether or not people can share their lives is dependant on who they are as people, and people are not purely products of their eras. I certainly am not defined by mtv and ipads, thank you. There is far more worth to my person that has been appreciated by many older people whom I am also able to appreciate. Your view of why and how people are able to connect really limits humanity and suggests that maybe you are shallow. We should all know by now how deep and vast and dynamic people are - a beautiful spectrum we have and we should be trying to unite and celebrate connection, not creating more reasons for segragation.

[mrk2010]

Personally I believe if you connect with someone, you connect with someone and who is anyone to judge if there is an age difference? I think at sometime we have seen a guy older than ourselves and though phoaaar he's a bit of alright on the t.v and stuff. I tell you what I saw a guy on the t.v and said to my friend "Wow he's hot and just around my age i.e. 25" My friend was like nah man he's 43 ! I think in some cases an age gap can be difficult but if both parties work it out and can get over the ageism aspect it can work. Love is blind in alot of cases and sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. :-) I say go for it mate!

[pellaz]

your blind:
relationships are a lot of work. Give them the best chance you can up front.

[Rikki]

It's funny how many people are ageist without even realising it. Suggesting things like young people have nothing to offer until they grow up and "learn stuff" and "get experience", or old people are boring and out of date. Why exactly are those ungrounded, sweeping generalisations any more acceptable than "black people all carry guns" or "autistics are brain damaged retards".

[Sceak]

Don't take me the wrong way, I have no qualms about big age gaps in a relationship between 2 consenting adults when there is 100% respect flowing both ways. I have always dated younger guys, the biggest age gap was 15 years and that was my last relationship.

Through being a willing ear I have heard stories of younger guys being raped and bashed by older guys who say all the right things 'I think I could fall in love with you' and stuff like that, and all those sweet romantic things that young guys like to hear, especially praise 'You're gorgeous', 'You're so smart'...and after chatting for a few days, the older guys wanting to meet to me reeks of desperation, and a desperate man is a dangerous man more often than not.

Beautifulblue sounds like a lovely guy and I would hate for him to be in a situation where he has no control.

Personally I would advise against meeting until the older guys intentions are truely known, and if a meeting goes ahead (This advice is the same regardless of age difference) meet in a very public place where you have escape routes and ALWAYS tell a friend/family of your plans.

Making your own mistakes is a privilege everyone should be privy to.

[pellaz]

It's funny how many people are ageist without even realizing it. Suggesting things like young people have nothing to offer until they grow up and "learn stuff" and "get experience", or old people are boring and out of date. Why exactly are those ungrounded, sweeping generalizations any more acceptable than "black people all carry guns" or "autistic are brain damaged retards".

there is not a lot of information here, never is. Everyone here is trying in hopes that they type something that is unique or causes you to re arrange priorities. Cheers.

[Rikki]

I did not understand your post pellaz