Another Rant Thingy~

[spencer]

So I've been doing some thinking. And first I wanna say that I feel INCREDIBLY guilty for posting yet another long thread that vents all my crazy thoughts and problems. I feel like it's just annoying, but I have no reason to think that. So what the hell and I guys, I know I should really just go talk to a counselor about this but that's 25$ a session and I can't afford anything that's not free so you guys are all gonna have to suffer through it and I would rather have a plethora of ideas from people than just the predictable opinions of my close friends. So I'm not crazy right?

Anyway, back to my actual purpose, so I've been having like hard separation anxiety from my boyfriend. In case you haven't been keeping up with the happenings of my life (I don't expect anyone too) we've been together almost two months, he's away working for a carnival until October then he's moving here and we're getting an apartment. Anyway, so I haven't heard from him for a couple days, usually we text everyday, but since he got the carnival job it hasn't been as much and the only time I've ever gone more than a day without talking to him is when he's phone's been off/dead and he tells me when he's phone's getting turned of so I basically have no idea why he's not talking to me. He doesn't get good reception on his new phone and the carnival works him hard and long. So I really shouldn't be worried.

But it's sent me in to some mental breakdowns. I'm not normally clingy like this but I realized that I sorta have abandonment issues. I'm not really sure why, I guess just because I've always been the super quiet kid with few friends, I tend to go unnoticed. So I've always felt ignored and isolated, etc. So now that someone actually says they're in love with me and wanna be with me forever I kinda just can't believe it. So I'm insecure, and I'm afraid he'll get bored of me or something or just kinda move on or just forget. I'm the person that needs to be reassured that I'm liked. So I figured out that's it's not COMPLETELY because when I find something(and apparantly someone) I like a lot I have to obsess and immerse myself in it. I would like to talk to him about it but he's never around long enough and when I am incredibly upset he conviniently isn't available..and I'm sure it's just an unlucky coincidence. He's actually proven to be very reliable I think I've just needed too much. And the cards did say I wasn't going to have my needs fulfilled in the beginning.

On top of that I've been stressed about other life things. My grandfather on hospice, worried about my hours at work getting cut, trying to start school in fall but I'm having issues finishing up my financial aid and without it I can't go to school. So I'm alltogether stressed. But honestly my life is wonderful. I'm soon to be living with a boyfriend he's completely perfect me, my gender transition is on the right track, I'm getting closer to surgery funds and about to get my passport gender marker changed once I get all the paperwork mailed out, I've kinda rekindled some lost friendships, I like my job, school will happen in August, all these great things yet I'm miserable.

So I figured well just BE happy. I've tried it but I can't and I try to keep myself busy with crafts and whatnot but then I hit those moments where I'm just so unhappy that I lose the motivation and it almost even makes me feel worse to be doing things that make me happy. @.@!

I feel the only solution really is to see a counselor, but I can't afford it. I also think that I'm kinda still "becoming" an adult and I'm facing more adult stress and I think I'm having issues on how to handle adult stress. I know that talking about my stress helps but when I do that I feel guilty, or like after I'm done typing all this out I feel like it'll just be a waste of everyone's time to read it, and just kinda..be annoying and that all this crap you just read is insignificant and doesn't matter. But I think that's just me being insecure?

And if it wasn't for the fact that I'm getting more assertive with expressing my emotions (energy drink helps too) I would probably just delete all this instead of hitting submit, which I've done a number of times in the past. I suppose I also just don't trust people very well and I overthink things. I dunno I've been acting weird lately. I know I'm not crazy because I'm aware of all my weird things...or maybe that's what's making me crazy?

I think I just need to get a script for some xanax, I do also have some big anxiety issues (probably got them from my dad) but I need a more costless solution and drugless solutions are much nicer anyway.

[Rainbowmum]

First of all you are not crazy and the last thing you need is a script for Xanax , that is the worse thing you can do.

I understand you are having some issues , it more than likely stems from low self esteem that feed the abandonment issues.

Sweetie , you must learn how to be happy with your own company , more importantly you must start repairing the damage your low self esteem caused.
You are not invisible ,you are worthy of love , you deserve the best.

Just because he is away and or can't text you , does not mean he has abandoned you.
For the fears to go , you must start seeing what others see in you.

We are all here for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

After fourteen years I wish my partner would be gone until October. :tongue:

You got that 'new boyfriend' thing going on. We (my partner and I) were inseparable the first 6-9 months, where ever he went I went, where ever I went he went. I recall fondly the days where we just couldn't be apart without it hurting. Now I pretty much count off the minutes for him to go to work so I can turn off the bloody TV and have some peace and quiet around here.

After a year or so of being together suddenly you discover a little 'me time' is worth killing for...

The rest: Actually it only feels like everything is happening at he same time. The reality is that things are happening second by second, and you need to figure out in which order to work on things.

Grandpa in Hospice - well it was bound to happen, and you can't change that (Can you?). God (or whatever your higher power is) Grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change.

Your financial aid thing - well that you can change. Sit down and fill out the forms and send them off and do what needs to be done. Courage to change the things we can.


Can't afford a counselor but can afford drugs. Xanax, Street Valium, Pot - whatever - drug using doesn't actually treat the issues, sure there are some powerful, wonderful prescription medications that sooth things over, but will taking Xanax change any of the stuff on your list?

No - that stuff will still be there and you will still need to deal with that stuff.

Unless you are medically in need, don't do drugs - any drugs - OTC medicines, prescription medicines, street drugs - these are all crutches if you do not really need them.

You need to also sit your arse down with a pen and pad of paper (Yes pen and paper - not a computer, not an Ipad, not your telephone/cellphone - paper, pen - ink on pulped wood) and right down your list of 'stuff' (or crap, or shit, or whatever you want to call it).

Then, once you have everything listed, start assigning numbers to it starting with the first item getting a number 1 - which means it has the highest priority.

If you fear you will make mistakes, then switch to a pencil with a nice eraser tip.

Go through your list and assign everything its own priority. 1 to 1000000000..... or how many items you have.

Then you can start dealing with your crap - one item at a time instead of trying to deal with everything all at once.

For the record, you ain't going to be perpetually happy. Well you could be if you are me, but then my happiness isn't perpetual, its about 4 months each summer when I am super happy all the time - its called mania. Happy all the time is a sickness, just like being sad all the time is a sickness.

The best you can hope for is moments of happiness and moments of sadness on a strong foundation of contentment.

The rawest deal our society plays on us is the idea that we have to be happy all the time. We don't, in fact its a bad thing to be happy all the time.

Satisfied - yes, Content, yes - happy - no.

[spencer]

Sweetie , you must learn how to be happy with your own company , more importantly you must start repairing the damage your low self esteem caused.
You are not invisible ,you are worthy of love , you deserve the best.

Just because he is away and or can't text you , does not mean he has abandoned you.
For the fears to go , you must start seeing what others see in you.

We are all here for you.

Thanks. I've been telling myself this for quite a while. I just haven't figured out yet how to fix it. I've greatly improved over the last few years but it hasn't been quite enough. I suppose that'll be a good way to spend the next few months.

After fourteen years I wish my partner would be gone until October. :tongue:

You got that 'new boyfriend' thing going on. We (my partner and I) were inseparable the first 6-9 months, where ever he went I went, where ever I went he went. I recall fondly the days where we just couldn't be apart without it hurting. Now I pretty much count off the minutes for him to go to work so I can turn off the bloody TV and have some peace and quiet around here.

I know that's a big part of it. Which is partially good because that means I know the clingyness will diminish over time when the newness wears off but it kills me that I have a serious relationship, and a boyfriend that actually acts like a boyfriend and I can't express it and experience it because once I got him he had to go away.

The rest: Actually it only feels like everything is happening at he same time. The reality is that things are happening second by second, and you need to figure out in which order to work on things.

This is true. For a very organized person my mind is awfully messy.

Grandpa in Hospice - well it was bound to happen, and you can't change that (Can you?). God (or whatever your higher power is) Grant us the serenity to accept the things we can not change.

Yeah, we've been preparing for this for a couple years and he's at the point where we all know and he knows that this is just his body telling him it's his time to go and I have certainly accepted it but you can't ever be fully prepared.

Your financial aid thing - well that you can change. Sit down and fill out the forms and send them off and do what needs to be done. Courage to change the things we can.

It's not quite that easy. I thought I got all my forms and was going towards to accepting it, and of course it's all online which only complicates it for me, but it said I needed to fill out a Veterans form before I could accept it. Problem is I'm not a Veteran so I don't know why that's happening and it'll probably be a much messier issue to solve than it should be. Or it'll be a simple fix but take forever, I guess I'll figure out Monday. And it's been like this the whole way through with this financial aid, just once issue after another. Despite my attention to detail. >.<

Can't afford a counselor but can afford drugs. Xanax, Street Valium, Pot - whatever - drug using doesn't actually treat the issues, sure there are some powerful, wonderful prescription medications that sooth things over, but will taking Xanax change any of the stuff on your list?

Well, I meant more if I did decide to try to gather up the funds for a counselor that would prescribe me something. I'm pretty positive that I would benefit from being medicated but I more look at medication as the bandaid to hold me over while I'm working on the issue. Once the wound is healed or at least stabilized the bandaid can come off.

You need to also sit your arse down with a pen and pad of paper (Yes pen and paper - not a computer, not an Ipad, not your telephone/cellphone - paper, pen - ink on pulped wood) and right down your list of 'stuff' (or crap, or shit, or whatever you want to call it).

Then, once you have everything listed, start assigning numbers to it starting with the first item getting a number 1 - which means it has the highest priority.

I do enjoy making lists this would probably benefit me.

The best you can hope for is moments of happiness and moments of sadness on a strong foundation of contentment.

Satisfied - yes, Content, yes - happy - no.

Makes sense. I suppose I'm slightly more content than I am happy. But I think I'm more sad than either of them and I would like to at least be content most of the time..even apathetic would be a step up. A month ago people were constantly commenting on how happy I was and now people have switched to asking what's wrong and it's a bit upsetting.