cheating partner

[pellaz]

question:
do you think it was bad of me to spy on him for the first time?

[Sylph]

Wow Pellaz... I don't know what I can say. Are you sure he was cheating already or was he about to cheat?

Eitherway, I personally believe that, when in a relationship, there shouldn't be secrets. So if he was keeping stuff on his phone he didn't want you to see, then that isn't a very trustworthy sign.

I mean, privacy is one thing, but if you're in a committed relationship and share practically everything, then why have something on your phone you don't want your partner to see?

I'm kind of conflicted. Part of me thinks it was right for you to have confirmation, because he obviously didn't tell you and probably wasn't going to, but then another part of me thinks that, it's really a matter of trust. He broke yours and now, in a way, you've broken his, because both of you went behind each other's backs and did what you did.

I can't really say, because I know neither of you personally, but I think that a talk is in order... a long talk. Because only you two know each other the best, so you should talk to each other. Communication is key :biggrin: .

[avidcyclistMTB]

Sorry Pellaz, that's a crappy situation to be in.

As far as whether or not it was bad of you to spy on him? That's a tough one. He was obviously sending you signals that prompted you to do so and your suspicions were not unfounded. But what if they had been? I'm with Odi about being conflicted and can't really answer whether or not it was right or wrong.

Either way, there are now some trust issues (perhaps from both ends) that you have to work out, I think. Only the two of you can do that and you said that he was wanting to fix it. That's a good sign.

Again, sorry you're having to deal with it at all. I would be sick too.

Good luck.

[pellaz]

thanks Odi

[pellaz]

He texts me about about every 10 min during the day. I always immediately respond and enjoy hearing form him even if its a smiley face hello.

[mrk2010]

To be honest I think it's human nature to have a check and it can be considered dishonest but I'm sure everyone has been nosy as some time or another. With the cheating aspect, maybe it's better you know now so you know where you stand. I know with me any guy who cheats gets kicked to the curb and I won't have anything to do with them. Obviously if you live together it can be more difficult.

[pellaz]

... Obviously if you live together it can be more difficult.

and his timing of this is bad too.

[East]

I could talk for hours on this topic and most of it would be really controversial but in an attempt to give you something immediately useful I will stick to two things that stood out for me

I generally hate any kind of spying BUT in this case it was due to a very specific incident in which you sensed something was amiss. Yes? I am not sure there is a correct answer. I know it is understandable to check. I don't think it is my place due to the circumstance to say one way or the other if it was right or wrong.....I do "get" why you did it.

My second point...you saw a message about a meeting but the thing is..would he have gone through with it or not? Was it about sex or something else?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Did you actually spy or did you accidentally come into a situation that goaded you into looking more closely at the 'evidence'?

Its not like you put keyloggers or traces on his phone or arraigned a PI to follow him around. It isn't like you spend ten hours trying different passwords to get at his phone records - thus having lots of time to reconsider what you were doing.

Cheaters get caught - eventually. No matter how careful they are something always happens to reveal the truth.

The thing here is that his actions clued you in. If he hadn't been guilty he wouldn't have sent out these signals, body language, facial expressions that clued you in to something was up. Let to your own devices you would have transferred the data without peeking.

His guilt, not your snooping caused this discovery. You only acted in a natural almost 100% predictable way in answer to his guilty behaviors.

Of course he is wanting to fix this bad. But can it be fixed?

Cheating is not just an act of sex, it is a betrayal of trust, and I fear that its impact has far reaching implications and will cause how you feel and think about day to day activities to change - drastically in many cases.

If you 'take him back' without seriously working on the attending issues, then each time you two have an argument this affair will be on your lips - if not unspoken you will be thinking about it in anger. Suddenly each moment he is late from work, or has a 'client meeting' you will be wondering at the honesty of that.

Sure, he wants to 'fix' this. And he may be able to refrain from having another affair, may never so much as look at another man. However you are going to have to do a lot of work and deal with the fall-out of the betrayal of trust that will take place inside of you.

And even if you two do decide to pull up stakes and move apart, you will be carrying this betrayal of trust into future relationship(s) and you will do things like wonder if your new partner being 30 minutes late from work is really working overtime or is stopping off for sex on the side.

I strongly suggest you two take a 5 day break from discussion of the event(s) and your feelings and focus on how you feel about it and 'discuss' it with yourself and with others. At the same time he needs to sit and think about why he needed this extra on the side, and what he really wants in life (you, that other guy, to be single?).

Talking about it immediately tends to lead to both individuals saying/doing things that they wouldn't do if they had time to think through their feelings.

Remember to breath.

[pellaz]

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