can't ask top or bottom before meeting?

[gayusasian]

Recently, I knew a guy from grindr.
He texted me first.
After some talk, I asked him what's he looking for.

He said he wants a relationship.

wow, that's rare, on GRINDR.

i also want a relationship, to be honest.

it's pretty hard in a small town, and for a gay Asian man.

but i guess it's not easy for anybody, no matter you are white, or Asian, or black, or Latin, or any other races.

so i told him: "wow, great. i want a relationship too. what do you prefer? top or bottom?"

that's when he got pretty nervous.

he said:"why do you ask me this question? i am really uncomfortable now. i never talk about sex with someone who is not my boyfriend."

then he never replied my messages again, even i tried to talk about some other topics.

i am pretty shocked. is this topic forbidden to ask?

i think it's quite an easy question, that most people would care.

don't understand.

[ceez]

It does sound like you could have been jumping straight to sex with that question even though you didn't mean to. did you let him know its to make sure you two are compatible in the bedroom just encase the relationship got that serious?

[gayusasian]

yeah.
i told him that i ask just to make sure our relationship could last long.

[gayusasian]

i definitely want to go out with him several times before we jump into bed.

[ceez]

maybe you could try to message him one more time.

[East]

he said:"why do you ask me this question? i am really uncomfortable now. i never talk about sex with someone who is not my boyfriend."

To each his own of course but I would be the one who didn't respond to him after that.

I am a little frightened of prudes in general and I would be thankful I got to find out the easy way.

But that is me.....

[gayusasian]

yeah. he's too uptight

[dfiant]

ok, you say 'I want a relationship' and in the next breath you are asking 'Are you a top or a bottom'

I'll be honest with you, I f I was in that guys place I would have told you to fuck off because the second question is a 'sex wanted' question. Weather you are a top or bottom is irrelevant for a relationship to develop...tops and bottoms and the dreaded A/S/L is for quick, cheap and anonymous sex.

You have given the guy mixed messages.

Oh yeah, I want a relationship too...are you good at blow jobs?

[gayusasian]

is there a rule about asking top/bottom?
when should i ask?
after several chit chat?
after several dates?
i do want to know.

[pellaz]

is there a rule about asking top/bottom?

you should ask, have the right to ask, what his needs are. What are his expectations in meeting up with you. The term top/bottom is over used. You can do better than this but look at how the gayspeak setup panel does it: passive, active, versatile.

you should ask how did his last boy end up? Is the prospective date been tested recently? What is acceptable risk for him? You can do this in a low committal, kind loving way.

i hope you two click, you will need lots of new skillz, so i learn too.