gayusasian Wrote:is there a rule about asking top/bottom?
when should i ask?
after several chit chat?
after several dates?
i do want to know.
If weather a person is a top or bottom is THAT important to you, then stop looking for a relationship because it is obvious that isn't what your heart wants, it only wants good sex.
Top/bottom doesn't matter in a relationship because these things you just discover in due course of the relationship and if you are in love then these things just work out.
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Personally, I would not ask that question so quickly. Being the way I am, I require some true romance and time before even getting to the point of sex.
I would not answer that question so early and, in some ways, would be quite bothered by it. For me, it is far more than sex.
So, yes, perhaps the question scared him (and maybe scared him off).
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I'm with a lot of people in this post but I also understand what you were trying to do. I think the question was too soon. However, maybe in a past relationship, this was not communicated and caused a problem. Some people are not good communicators and you may have been trying to lay it all out. I would imagine that at the right time people would talk if the issue would come up. That would be too much of a shocking question for me at the beginning because I may have been trying to get to know someone. I would try to contact him again and clear up what you meant.
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Perhaps in the future you should find casual ways to say what you're after rather than asking them to say what they're after. I have never been on this GRINDR and don't know how it works, so bear with me and adjust this example to fit with both GRINDR and your own personal tastes (which should be after many other things are mentioned):
"I was good with Tom because we both liked watching the same movies, from horror to comedy, we clicked in that we just seemed to kinda know what the other was feeling, and his being such a loving top to my devoted bottom made the relationship magic while it lasted."
This lets him know what you're looking for AND that you care more than about sex and if he doesn't think that's compatible then HE can ease out of it. It shouldn't put pressure on him because you're exposing yourself rather than asking him, too, and if he doesn't want to talk about it then he doesn't have to he can focus on something else you said instead. Obviously this should be at least peripherally related to whatever you're talking about instead of out of the blue and preferably after you've developed some rapport for each other.
Obviously, if you mention a past relationship you should have an answer ready on why (if it was so good) why it's now over. You should then avoid talking too much about this past partner as it may seem like you're not completely over him (but treating an ex with contempt can also be a turn off, so just keep it casual, let it serve its purpose and move on, perhaps with a "I'd rather talk about us" if he keeps asking questions).
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first of all, thanks for all your useful information.
my first relationship lasts 7 years.
we would have married each other, if it were not in China.
but believe it or not, it started with a hookup.
to be honest, i have a pretty high sex drive.
but it doesn't mean that i can't keep a long lasting romance.
but here it's US. i have a lot more to learn.
Thanks guys. wish me good luck!
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Pix Wrote:Perhaps in the future you should find casual ways to say what you're after rather than asking them to say what they're after. I have never been on this GRINDR and don't know how it works, so bear with me and adjust this example to fit with both GRINDR and your own personal tastes (which should be after many other things are mentioned):
"I was good with Tom because we both liked watching the same movies, from horror to comedy, we clicked in that we just seemed to kinda know what the other was feeling, and his being such a loving top to my devoted bottom made the relationship magic while it lasted."
This lets him know what you're looking for AND that you care more than about sex and if he doesn't think that's compatible then HE can ease out of it. It shouldn't put pressure on him because you're exposing yourself rather than asking him, too, and if he doesn't want to talk about it then he doesn't have to he can focus on something else you said instead. Obviously this should be at least peripherally related to whatever you're talking about instead of out of the blue and preferably after you've developed some rapport for each other.
Obviously, if you mention a past relationship you should have an answer ready on why (if it was so good) why it's now over. You should then avoid talking too much about this past partner as it may seem like you're not completely over him (but treating an ex with contempt can also be a turn off, so just keep it casual, let it serve its purpose and move on, perhaps with a "I'd rather talk about us" if he keeps asking questions).
very good suggestions.
do you happen to have a love bible? love for dummies 101?
i need guidance.
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I have asked the top or bottom question and turned people off. I am also relationship oriented but now I only ask if its getting more physical.
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Instead of asking him what he is, you should have stated what you are either looking for or what you are.
I believe that honesty is the best way to go. If you can't top or never want to, then you need to say 'I'm a bottom' and include that it is important enough for you in a guy for potential relationship and you want to get it up front and out of the way immediately so as to not waste his time.
Never ask them if they are a top or bottom, tell them what you are.
If you are worried that they will take such a 'confession' as a open door to casual sex, then you need to explain to them that you just thought they should know what you are seeking, and that doesn't mean we have to go to bed immediately.
Honesty is a rare creature out there in the dating world. Too many guys are trying to be something they are not - trying to be what they think another guy wants instead of being themselves and selling themselves.
Yes, honestly will get potential mates to run screaming in the other direction, but I'd rather have them running away in the first hour then a month or so down the line when I have invested a lot of time and energy as building a relationship.
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Wow I could never imagine that people would somehow get upset over a simple sexual mechanics question.
In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, people who tell their prospectice partners what they like sexually up front are doing their prospective partners a favor, because they are being honest and not trying to hide things behind silly social conventions that restrict talking about sex.
Here we are in the 21st century, and people are still getting uptight about having a conversation about what they like sexually, seriously people?
GET OVER YOURSELVES.
Human beings are sexual beings.
We like sex. Stop pretending its a bad thing.
Richard
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Instead of asking him what he is, you should have stated what you are either looking for or what you are.
I believe that honesty is the best way to go. If you can't top or never want to, then you need to say 'I'm a bottom' and include that it is important enough for you in a guy for potential relationship and you want to get it up front and out of the way immediately so as to not waste his time.
Never ask them if they are a top or bottom, tell them what you are.
If you are worried that they will take such a 'confession' as a open door to casual sex, then you need to explain to them that you just thought they should know what you are seeking, and that doesn't mean we have to go to bed immediately.
Honesty is a rare creature out there in the dating world. Too many guys are trying to be something they are not - trying to be what they think another guy wants instead of being themselves and selling themselves.
Yes, honestly will get potential mates to run screaming in the other direction, but I'd rather have them running away in the first hour then a month or so down the line when I have invested a lot of time and energy as building a relationship.
The thing is I have found if I tell them what I am if they are very interested they will say they are the other or mostly the other. I want someone who really only wants it one way and not later down the road asking for something else.
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