can't ask top or bottom before meeting?

[Daniel]

Personally I am kind of prude. If I am interested in a guy and he starts talking about sex that refers to the two of us, it quickly frightens me off a bit.

I too am interested in having a relationship and I want one with a person who sees sex as second and the actual relationship as first. I'm just saying that there are a lot of people like me out there, people who want to get to know a person without any referral to sex as it tenses the situation and is all in all (to me) an incredible turnoff if I get asked sexual questions that early.

The safest way to go with anyone who seems interested in you is to tread on the "let's get to know each other" ground without mentioning sex as it is VERY EASILY interpreted as objectification.

We all make mistakes and it is a shame if one manages to scare off someone just because of misplaced words.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The thing is I have found if I tell them what I am if they are very interested they will say they are the other or mostly the other. I want someone who really only wants it one way and not later down the road asking for something else.

Then you need to keep looking.

There are men out there who, like you, have very strict roles for their partner. Finding them is going to be problematic since the community has made a huge issue over versatility vs Top/Bottom roles.

Mind if you are too picky you will end up like me. I'm 46 years old and have only had 8 sex partners.

I am well suited with this situation. I tried casual one night stands - twice (my slut phase). The other six were serious attempts at long term relationships. There were hundreds if not thousands of other potential men that I 'dated' or made false starts with on the road toward relationship.

One of the things I did was have a strict 30 day no sex policy. First meeting/date I would tell the guy point blank that there would be no sex for at least 30 days. And I also laid out other details of what I was specifically looking for in a man which included sexual position.

Mind I have a more open interpretation of Top/Bottom - or more strict one - in that I do not see the roles of top and bottom and being specifically bed-time roles - I see them affecting other aspects of a relationship. I explained this to potential partners.

Trust me, the 30 day wait period will narrow the playing field a lot. Too many guys are into a quick bedding, and are unwilling or unable to take a month or more to 'score' a touchdown.

You know what it is you want. There are consequences to getting what you want, and in order to attain our goals in life we must make sacrifices. If you are unable/unwilling to accept these sacrifices then change your goals.

Is it easy? No. Having a narrow world view means you narrow the playing field for yourself.

[Pix]

The thing is I have found if I tell them what I am if they are very interested they will say they are the other or mostly the other. I want someone who really only wants it one way and not later down the road asking for something else.

Let's hear it for instant gratification...and then after misrepresenting yourself and when it doesn't work out when the truth comes out to go sobbing to your friends and on message boards on why everyone leaves you or it never works out.

I've seen so much posturing and pretending in the club scene (both gay and straight) that I'm surprised it didn't occur to me that people would misrepresent themselves like that just to hook up with someone...especially as I've heard stories of that happening among hets as well.

[gayusasian]

Personally I am kind of prude. If I am interested in a guy and he starts talking about sex that refers to the two of us, it quickly frightens me off a bit.

I too am interested in having a relationship and I want one with a person who sees sex as second and the actual relationship as first. I'm just saying that there are a lot of people like me out there, people who want to get to know a person without any referral to sex as it tenses the situation and is all in all (to me) an incredible turnoff if I get asked sexual questions that early.

The safest way to go with anyone who seems interested in you is to tread on the "let's get to know each other" ground without mentioning sex as it is VERY EASILY interpreted as objectification.

We all make mistakes and it is a shame if one manages to scare off someone just because of misplaced words.

While, sex could never be the second in a relationship.
Maybe we can have many different friends who share some aspects of our interests.
But in a relationship, physical attraction would be the first place.
If not so, we can fall in a relationship with any man, woman, trans; people far from your age range.
But the majority of people won't do that.
You won't date a women who is 40 years elder than you, right?
Even she has a fantastic personality, shares all your interests, and possibly can guide your life.

There is a reason why it's called sexuality.
Why it's not called wisdomality? Or museumality? Or dancality?
Or any other interestality?
It's by sex, in the first place. Could never be second.

We are always restricted by those 'hidden' criteria.
Just most of us are unaware of them.

[dfiant]

While, sex could never be the second in a relationship.
Maybe we can have many different friends who share some aspects of our interests.
But in a relationship, physical attraction would be the first place.
If not so, we can fall in a relationship with any man, woman, trans; people far from your age range.
But the majority of people won't do that.
You won't date a women who is 40 years elder than you, right?
Even she has a fantastic personality, shares all your interests, and possibly can guide your life.

There is a reason why it's called sexuality.
Why it's not called wisdomality? Or museumality? Or dancality?
Or any other interestality?
It's by sex, in the first place. Could never be second.

We are always restricted by those 'hidden' criteria.
Just most of us are unaware of them.

No, you are quiet wrong, the 'sex' in sexuality refers to gender and gender attractions.

Not all people are as superficial (and then label themselves liberal) as you, some people want more than sex in a genderality or same gender relationship

[gayusasian]

No, you are quiet wrong, the 'sex' in sexuality refers to gender and gender attractions.

Not all people are as superficial (and then label themselves liberal) as you, some people want more than sex in a genderality or same gender relationship

I see you are being pretty judgemental.
Why it's superfacial that people want sex? And being Liberal?
And I never said I don't want more than sex.
I said that sexual attraction is the foundation of a relationship, in most cases.
For your information, I've got a 7 year relationship in China.
We could have got married if it's allowed.

You don't get me at all.

I don't want to fight against you.
I am not a native English speaker.
But please stop giving me labels.

[ardus]

Why do people have to be acrimonious in their disagreements? Can't we agree to disagree with people and still have a civilized conversation? I know that I am in danger now of starting a flame war but I think that the ability to have a civilized discussion about things that you are passionate about is very important in a free society.
Richard