Need to rant!!!

[WaltHitman]

Gee! Thanks Walt! Just when I'd put the guilt to rest over all this. You're about as good as she is at that!

Ha! Nah bub nice try but I do see how if you separate some of the hairs more and desensitize from what ya should while simply acknowledging so it can pass from you what ya must. The quilt she is laying on you is nothing like the perspective I am calling you to and there is no judgement man like yo u are currently judging yourself just the facts and a man is so easy to get lost in it all sometimes cutting it down is the only chance you got. If you get issues as well as your own feelings not only are you much more well for it, it gives you the power to cope more than defend. That is really important to you now because you have been in a emotional blender so long it would take you a few to remember the last time you weren't a mess.
I am just saying you have built in natural instincts and existing defense and coping mechanisms as well as the ability to adapt and develop both. The more simply and clearly you can understand the better your ability to go about those things naturally and happily, not as if you were trying to find you way out of a house fire with your ass hairs a'catchin' - ha ha you just can not live and be able to function like that man and it fucks up your love, health peace, joy and happiness which are what makes the shit worth going through at all. It may seem a little new and of course it is not hitting you naturally but under duress, but it's like everything you been saying is a side of the coin and it seems to me it would be pretty easy to flip the coin over once you could step aside and see it all in perspective without the pinching.
The guilt you suggested does you no good really once it is recognized and it can make you sick if carried too long. It is only an aknowledgement and blessed are men when it is something that they can get theirselves out of and through largely by being themselves once they are back to it.
Sorry dude if I was vague was sure all this was in your heart already too lol!

[archubbycub]

I want to apologize for my emotional out bursts through this thread. I am under a lot of stress right now, not only from the situation I have created for myself, but other things as well. Obviously I am not posting everything on here that goes on between my wife and I, and yes I do realize this is probably the hardest thing that has ever happened to her. I also realize that I am the one who is hurting my kids and I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for any of this! Again I thank each and everyone of you for the advice and for the words of encouragement and I apologize sincerely for being an ass!

[Rikki]

I think certain others need to apologise too for being self righteous know-it-alls and assuming an aggressive judgmental insulting approach is suitable. You're alloWed to have outbursts here arch because this is just an internet forum so it doesn't matter. Ignore silly people who think they know all there is to know based on some posts on a silly forum. Fools.

[mrk2010]

You are clearly so fucking self-righteous you do not care who ANYONE is as long as they act as a sounding board, a chance for you to get on your fucking soapbox and rip them apart with your unhelpful, self-indulgent words. You clearly know everything about everyone's situation because everyone else's experience is nothing more than a secondary version of yours. Empathy is not your strong point and do not go kidding yourself that it is with bullshit justifications like "I'm just being brutally honest". You act with such ferocity that suggests your vision of anyone else's experience is blinded by your own story. Get over yourself and

shut
the
fuck
up.

Just ignore him Rikki, I know I ignore most of the stuff he writes.

[mrk2010]

archubbycub, I remember I tried to explain how your wife felt when you came to GS and posted your story for the first time.
I am with Bowyn 100%.

She doesn't fight fair. She should not use the kids in the fighting.

But your posts are just about you. I needed to look so many times how old you were...
You don't try to understand her, or at least you don't write about it here. You are the poor one in the fight, you told her what you wanted and within a month you wanted to move out. What about her? Well, she needs to understand you and support you or shut up.
You had 13 years to think about your sexuality and your happiness in the marriage.

you are in love now? Well what about the love of your life tells you today that he leaves you for a woman? Or another man?
Will you just wave him good-bye?

You spent 13 years together and you don't care about it at all. All you want to do is to move out. Maybe she was in love with you the day before you told her. Why do you think she should support you in leaving her?

When someone doesn't agree with you - your wife, Bowyn, probably someone else - you get pissed. And you run away - to the hotel, to your friends (or at least you are talking about it) or away from GS.

I've been in my marriage for 22 years today and all I can tell you, this is not how a couple should solve their problems.

And I'd like to say where do you get off Nick? This guy has asked for help and is working on himself and is obviously going through some turmoil And this isn't helping matters. As for your comment about the OP's number of threads gayspeak is a gay forum and a safe haven from such networks as Facebook, MySpace and Gaydar. Anyway what makes your marriage so special and perfect? I seem to remember some of your posts which were all YOU YOU YOU. I tell you what there are some members on this site who need to stop being such self righteous bellends and need to take a long look at themselves and pull their heads out of their arses because it seems they are so far up they can smell their own shit. As for the OP good luck, I hope it goes well and please come back.

[princealbertofb]

I fear there has been some unfairness going on here. I think when Archubbycub came here with this problem, it was because he needed to rant, needed some air when he was struggling to breathe and needed advice (which none of us can give 100% because not ONE of us is in HIS situation.) All we can do is listen, support, ask for explanations, suggest certain things, make him reflect on what the other side may be thinking (I don't see the need for accusations here, as I got the impression that Archubbycub was fully aware of the distress he was causing, not only to himself but also to his wife and children. Reminding him not to get carried away with his new found self and his new relationship is good, telling him he's unworthy of support is pointless and not very helpful.

As for asking him to think through his wife's mind, I doubt that he can speak for her mind and heart, so I find it only fair to ask HIM what HE thinks about what HE does and what people do to HIM.
Asking him to have a complete view of what his wife is going through is a bit silly. He can't speak for her. He may think about her and how she treats him, and have feelings towards that, even if he is the 'culprit' of this situation. But if he could do all this so easily for himself, would he have come to seek our help?

We can't ignore the fact that Archubbycub is one more victim of this imperfect world, where a man can go totally wrong on who he should be dating and having a relationship with to be happy. He was wrong, he admitted it. So enough with the guilt trip. This man is aching, he needs soothing. He needs calming, he needs to be able to breathe and think. Every time he has to go through the mental torture of dealing with his wife's behaviour, leads him to want to hate himself more. We can't send out the life jacket to him and then retrieve it because he's finally managing to scramble onboard. A man who is not gasping for life is more likely to think 'straight', is he not? Or shall we say sensibly and sensitively?

I know everyone has tried to contribute, but when it's getting negative, it really does not help. Please consider that I've no particular gripe with anyone here. We've all tried to grasp this problem as we could with the little information we've had from one of the insiders.

So while we can grieve for the children and his wife and remind him that they are aching too, let's not go overboard and throw Archubbycub back to sea. Please.

[princealbertofb]

Thank you all for the advice and for letting me rant. I really think this is all about to come to a conclusion. Whether it's a peaceful one or not remains to be seen. I know I want to part on good terms, simply for the kids. But I'm not sure she'll mature enough to do so!

Like you, she'll adapt. I hope she'll also be wise enough not to take out her rancour, her bitterness on the children by slandering you (it would be so easy, since gays are just another easy target). Maybe once you've extracted yourself from a very uneasy and unforgiving situation, you'll both find a way to share responsibility and love for the children while respecting each other's lives and thoughts, and by forgiving.

I think forgiveness is or will be the key word now.

Good luck, Arch.

[archubbycub]

Thank you Al. I literally sat here and cried as I read your previous post and those of the others as well. I've never had anyone defend me like that the entire 35 years I've been on this earth. Thank you so much. And I just wanted to say to all of you that things are starting to look up and I am starting to see a glimmer of hope in this situation. Not saying that there won't be dark days ahead, but I have a goal in all of this, and I'm working towards it. Thank you all again.

[WaltHitman]

The glass is half full or better....
When you think about all the guys this happens to, you are still in the top percentage of handling it. It goes so ,uch worse and often for so much longer for so many people. Keep feeling your way through and may you think fast I guess, Best wishes to you!

[Rikki]

*big hugs arch*