I think my son is gay. How can I help him?

[pellaz]

Is your son gay??
tread with care here. He will be his own person. He may be a lot of things but gay men are 2-5% of the population. the early 1950's lied; we are not the 10% they said we were. Its remote he is gay. You know him the best tho; and there is never a lot of information here. i am just saying you have to listen to HIM more than ever.

Even if your son is gay, being gay is a broad statement.

activities for your son
ask him what he likes to do. All you can do is introduce him things. Swimming, diving, running are solitary things he could appreciate. he might not be as athletic as you would like but he could add this to his life later if he knows about it in a good way. so show him everything; music, live theater, dance, science, math, book readings, good restaurants, go to a motorcycle race. So when you can drive into the city on week ends.

Encourage him to have a circle of supportive friends. I know his family is super good to him but he should look outside too.

You could become more active in the schools. both from a volunteer end and also from a legal end. For the local schools thats about all you can do. he is going to have to get used to the school work hate it or not. Lots of straight parents live in the gaybro here because the neighborhood schools are more accepting.

[Pix]

And just a heads up, the Christian Right has been trying for years (with mixed success) to take over school boards and people who work within schools can also be part of that. I could share about 2 toxic counselors at my old high school, one a delusional fundie who literally believed I was the member of a satanic cult who was looking for a blonde virgin sacrifice based on the newsletter (apparently Chick tract worthy) she subscribed to and I can just imagine how she'd have reacted to someone openly gay (no doubt demon possessed in her book).

Also beware of any counselor who tries to send your child for "help" as it might not only be a Christian trick but it could be a much more mundane one, like being paid a bounty per kid a counselor gets referred to their program.

[pellaz]

Also beware of any counselor who tries to send your child for "help" as it might not only be a Christian trick but it could be a much more mundane one, like being paid a bounty per kid a counselor gets referred to their program.

I WOULD NOT SEND MY CHILD TO A COUNSELOR RECOMMENDED MY ANYONE OUTSIDE MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS:eek:

[princealbertofb]

i think the sooner your son also excepts that been gay is nothing wrong at all as you are telling him now the better he will be later - insults will become boring to him and nothing to rise up about (unless its physical too), once u accept an insult is worthless and just there to provoc then he can just ignore them and not have a bad feeling about them later by doubting himself....more support means a more happy childhood too

While I can accept that taking no notice is maybe a good politic way of dealing with it on a personal basis, I don't think we can accept (as a society) to let that sort of rough talking go on, because, whatever you say and believe, this talk is hurtful and when it becomes mainstream it becomes accepted by society at large as an encouragement and endorsement rather than an indictment. So somewhere along the line, there has to be a ban on such talk. But I agree with Matty that the first and easiest way to deal with it is to learn that it has no real 'validity'. But I wouldn't let the abusers get away with it.

[princealbertofb]

Pix,
I have thought about home and cyber schooling. The only problem with my son is that he HATES any kind of school work so homeschooling would be out of the question. My only concern with cyberschool is his lack of social interactions. I have a college degree and am trying to get my consulting business up and running. On the plus side, I get to work from home. So someone will be able to be there for him all the time. I have to get his ADD treated before school starts this year. I have put it off as long as I can and I fear the negative impact on his education will be too great if I put it off any longer (I don't like medicating kids). With the meds, he'll also have to see a psychiatrist and I think I will persue counseling and see how one more year goes. After that, I will move. I at least need to get him to an area where he can participate in organized social activities outside of school. He did play on the soccer and basketball teams but hated attending practices. I had to force him to finish his seasons with both. I had hoped he would develop a fondness for soccer as he was a natural and it was a great way to burn off his extra energy but he wouldn't go for it.

Lynnie,
This might have come with the territory of being bullied at school and he's feeling more miserable than you know, and can't concentrate on academic achievements... It might also be that he's trying to fit in by not being the brightest and best (low achievements make it easier to fit in, because the bright ones are envied and might be bullied too. With his history, I'm afraid he's growing into schoolphobia -- not helpful).

I think Matty7 is the one to talk to about ADD and too much energy... I'd not be surprised that your son's also got a lot of frustrations going on that all concentrate this energy. Medication can be a good idea sometimes. Ask Matty, he's much more relaxed now, and it took him until he was 40 to be diagnosed... and to start getting medical treatment. If you read up on it, you might make the right choice... But I think a consultation with a therapist would probably be a better idea to start off... just in case it lets him let off some steam. Poor kid, he's probably not telling you the half of it.

[princealbertofb]

I want to say something to the - maybe - early sexuality part. I think that - if he knows with 10 that he is maybe gay.... he is a sexual being, too. Maybe just in his head ... but I don´t think that the knowledge of a sexual orientation and the own sexual being can be separated.
I grow up in a very free home ... I was very early sexual active ... my mother caught me first time with 7 and a much older boy.
What I want to say is that my own experiences show me that support is very important. I always knew I can go to my mother if something was in my mind .... She always said that nobody can prevent sexual activities ..... and for her it was important that I was safe and don´t do anything secretly in bushes or forests
I think today it is more important that you can intervene if you see that something goes a wrong way ... you can watch that your son protects himself and others ... maybe you do it with a red face....but you know that all what he does is OK...he is safe and he can feel safe, he can talk to you if he need it and can ask if he feel unsecure.

I'm sure that Lynnie, with an uncle who died of AIDS will be very much aware of the sexual safety issues. For the younger son as she should be for the elder son... Refer your sons to their grandfather if it makes you uncomfortable, Lynnie, but it sounds like you are down to earth.
I think Daz's advice about early teaching about sex is not necessarily a bad idea. It's not as if your son'll be taking it all in at his age, only what he'll be ready for, but he'll know that it's something you two can talk about when necessary. Having books lying around the house is also a silent and tactful way of dealing with the problem. That is, if he's a reader. Have you considered having The Joy of Gay Sex in your library, Lynnie? (I'm not joking completely)... I'd also recommend having a few gay themed films which help to cope with the romantic issues and relationships issues too. ( Beautiful Thing, for instance; the five seasons of Queer as Folk embark on all sorts of issues that gays have to deal with. Of course QAF shows what the gay ''scene'' can sometimes be like, so maybe to racy and not for his age right now, but for later. )