What kind of person?

[Lloyd]

Hi all!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the way my boyfriend is acting and I wanted to get opinions about his behavior and why someone would act this way. I have become very disenchanted with him and often find myself just plain hating his company.

Since the time our relationship started all he has wanted from me was sex (should have been an early indicator...), and after sex he always acted like I should vanish. He made no effort to hide how much he loved my 'package' but rarely made the effort to like me as a person.

Whenever I would try and talk to him (online or in person) he would never open up about anything. He made the statement that if I knew too much about him I could hurt him; I don't understand this because people in a relationship are supposed to share their feelings. I would always be willing to share my feelings, which he would then use to psychoanalyze me (he's a psych major...) and establish himself as superior to me.

He is incapable of replies that are more than one word long, and most of the time they don't actually say anything. Case in point, his favorite word is 'maybe', because he doesn't like to make decisions about anything. Any conversation with him consists of smiley faces and that's about it - no information to be gained.

I learned that he has actually been pursuing a very active sex life, sometimes meeting two random men in a day without protection! I also learned that this behavior has nabbed him a venereal disease, but he still tells me that all the problems in the relationship are my fault.

I feel manipulated and used by this person, as do some other people who have known him, and I wanted to know what kind of person would act like this? After a while of trying to make someone happy, when you see no results at all and everything is met with a scowl, I decided to stop trying. I've been curious to know what type of person does things like this to people; I want to understand so I know the warning signs for the future.

Thank you, hopefully it wasn't a long read!

[archubbycub]

He is playing a very dangerous game if he is having unprotected sex and he's dragging you into that danger as well. I think you should confront him on all of this and tell him exactly how you feel. Sure it will hurt, but you need to look out for yourself!

[archubbycub]

Sorry I misread the post and thought you were still with him. My bad! As far as what type of person would do this....the kind that doesn't care for others emotions or for themselves for that matter if he's having unprotected sex with multiple partners. He sounds very shallow and conceited. Best of luck in the future mate!

[pellaz]

not everyone has the same needs. You put yours first and expect him to follow? there are lots of fish so throw this one back.

[myapple]

It seems to me that he's the one that needs to be on the couch and not in the psychologist's chair. He needs some time alone and it's probably best that you've broken up with him. He's probably going through a phase or facing some demons.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well Lloyd, the first thing you have to understand here is he is not in a relationship.

Taken one at a time I could make a case a reasonable case for each behavior and still contain him in a relationship. All together, along with his extra activities makes it clear that he does not love you as a partner other than a mere sex partner.

Is it commitment issues? I say yes. Why? because his fear that you will use 'stuff' against him. This is a sign of deep seated insecurity. Someone, somewhere, sometime betrayed his trust, thus he is now unable to commit trust into a person.

1. You need to end this unhealthy 'partnership' You view it as a relationship and have viewed it as such when the indicators are/have been clear that it is not.

2. You need to sit down a spell and really consider what factors attracted you to him in the first place. What behaviors and character traits impressed you and lead you to his bedchamber.

I say take at least 6 months to really think long and hard what those traits and personality quirks were that you found attractive. If you fail to identify them then you will end up with him again. Well not him exactly, but another guy like him that will follow in similar footsteps.

You also need to figure out how he was able to hoodwink you into even believing you have a relationship when there is no real indicator of equal love here and from what you wrote never was.

Lastly, get yourself tested for the STDS - all of them. There is one you know of, what about the others he could have contracted and passed on without even knowing he was infected?

[Blue]

Bases solely on what you posted, he's immature, selfish, careless and, has low self worth with a high libido, or he uses sex to make himself feel worthy.

He needs some counseling and, needs to grow up (assuming his risky behavior doesn't kill him). I applaud you for getting out of that situation and, not being on the receiving end of whatever he might bring home.

As for how to avoid that in the future, the best way I know, and what I do is to make friends and don't even bring sexuality into the picture until you are friends with a guy. Yes you end up with more straight male friends than the average gay man that way, but you also meet gays that are not out there just looking for sex and, you open the eyes of some of the straight friends that we aren't freaks and, enjoy the same things any man enjoys with the exception of what gender turns us on.

[Lloyd]

Thank you for your replies!
I re-read my post and understand how it might have been confusing; I had posted it right before heading to sleep!

I have already broken up with him but the reason I still think about it is just because stuff like this tends to stay with me for a while. It shouldn't I know, but we share some friends and I would expect to come across him again through them; I also like to think about people's actions a lot because that is how you judge the quality of their character.

All the wonderful points made here are things I had thought of as well, and some of my other friends did too. I didn't have to describe him, I merely showed them pictures and photos and chat logs and they came to that conclusion. While this is a colossal generalization, I had always heard psychologists are hard to date - I can certainly justify that with this guy!

I recall how often times he would tell me I had made a mistake but then never tell me what the mistake was, saying that I should already know like I'm some kind of mind reader. Other times he would just look angry and would give me no other indication as to why or if I even did anything, leaving me miserable and worried the rest of the day.

I was able to get hold of a list he had made to keep track of his sexual escapades when he first started 'reaching out', he had saved it on his poorly secured computer. The number shocked me, even if I was a sex-crazed maniac I couldn't be able to do it more than once in a day with separate strangers in different parts of the county. One of these people even had HIV, though he used a condom with this person.
When I mentioned to him that I found the list and that he should stop for his own sake, he mentioned that I don't know how HIV works and tried to justify sleeping with a person that has it. Condom or not I wouldn't put myself in that situation, and I certainly know how the virus works.

Given everything that has happened, and all the responses I have received over time, I would agree he is extremely insecure, which I would speculate leads to his colossal superiority complex and inability to be wrong about anything. What would cause someone to be so insecure, especially with someone who he is supposed to be comfortable with (ideally...)? Someone mentioned past events, which I think is the biggest factor.

I understand he grew up very spoiled; he was given everything he wanted and told he was phenomenal every day. He was a low-average student in high school and his grades in college began to slip. He attended college far away (a cow town) at an institution too new to be known for anything; indeed, the institution matriculated students of generally lower GPAs than any of the sister schools. When I asked him why he would make such a drastic move, he mentioned that he wanted to get away from his family. They did not know of his orientation (and when they found out were extremely disappointed) and perhaps in his childhood he grew to be annoyed with them. He portrayed them in a negative light.

I have met his parents on several occasions and even helped them move some stuff, and on every occasion I met them I found them to extremely nice people. They treated me and my friends very nicely and they were nice people to speak with; they cooked great food too! While these types of encounters are not really enough to discredit what he has been saying about them, it did get me thinking that he might be extremely hateful towards his parents who were just looking out for him, which seems like another immature point.

Soon I will embark on my journey to graduate school, and I hope to be in a very open campus full of cool new people. Perhaps there I will get to meet someone who I get along with better....

Thank you all for your replies, they were all extremely helpful and have eased my mind!!

[dfiant]

To put it quiet simply, only a scum bag would act live that. A person that has little respect for life and those around him, even less respect for himself. The only way he can boost his own ego is to destroy others and rationalise in their own minds that multiple sex partners = loved more.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Why is the sky blue? Why can't we separate the wave from the shore? Is there a God?... Some questions can be answered, others we can't answer and thus can only spin our wheels in speculation about them.

Right now you are still in that relationship. Yes I know, you left, you haven't seen him for x number of days, hours, minutes seconds. You haven't touched him, kissed him, had sex with him and might even have deleted him from your phone.

But you are still IN a relationship with him. you are still investing lots of time and energy in this 'relationship'.

No one can answer any of those 'whys' for you. I doubt even he could.

You will stew on them anyway. Its human nature, however I think if you start working on understanding that you will not get answers - real solid truths here, the sooner you will completely end this relationship.