This is really hard for me to admit, and I've been taking steps to admit it to myself, but I still can't.
My ex-boyfriend, I call him G on here, broke up with me "for now" because he's dealing with a lot emotionally, especially with his transition from being a female to a male. He's thinking about going on testosterone, and getting the final surgeries and all that. He asked me to wait for him. And I said yes, because honestly, I can't bring myself to even think about being without him.
I've never felt like this before, to be honest. He makes me happy. But he also makes me so sad...
I'm happy, well, I'm not sure why. He just makes me smile, and for real.
But I'm sad because I see the signs, and I'm scared of them.
I see the signs that he doesn't love me like I love him.
He reminds me all the time that he adores me, but it's not the same as when he told me he loved me. It doesn't feel the same...
Our conversations have diminished too. We can barely hold one anymore, no matter how hard I try. It doesn't feel like he's trying at all.
I know these signs.
He doesn't love me.
He probably never did.
But when I think about confronting him about it, I lose all courage because I'm terrified of losing him.
But I'm also infuriated at the thought of him just letting me believe we'd ever be together or that we're still friends.
I don't want to lose him in any way, but I'm getting sick of feeling like I'm being played like a violin.
I could really use some advice.
Do I confront him? And how? What do I say?
And how to I get over this fear of being without him?
Oh, and sorry about the slight rambling. I'm just really frazzled.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
As hard as it is, I think you should confront him, not in anger, or frustration but calmly, honestly and openly.
Don't use accusatory phrase like "You made me..." or "You are the one that...." it will only lead to a fight.
Use I phrases like "I feel ....", I need....." I, think...." etc... That tells him that you are relaying information to him as you see it and, wanting his take on the same things, ot the causes of those things.
Once you know where you stand exactly with him, it's time for the hard decisions, do you try to make it work again, do a trail separation for a set period of time, then talk again, or do you end it entirely right now.
He probably did love you and, may still but perhaps in a different way. As people we all grow and change and, sometimes two people that were perfect together grow in different direction and aren't so perfect together any more. It is never easy and, it always hurts but, sometimes it is best to go your separate ways.
Fear of being alone is a difficult one to overcome but, not impossible. You have to learn to like you, enjoy being with you, make yourself your own best friend, do whatever you need to KNOW you can rely only on you and don't need anyone to be satisfied. Key there satisfied, not necessarily happy, but satisfied in this world. Sure having a partner is great, but we don't always have one for our entire lives and so, we have to learn to be okay alone too. We have friends and/or family, hobbies, careers and such that don't require we be in a relationship.
Then, when we are okay alone and we do find that special someone, it's all the better, we don't feel like w have to cling to them and not let them grow, instead we are happy to see them grow and, overjoyed that they let and help us grow too. If it ends up that you grow apart, cherish the good times you had and don't dwell on the bad things.
•
Sweetie , I know this is hurting you ,but give him some space.
I have a soul sister that went from male to female , she became very distant from her man at the time.
There are so many doubts that went through her head , she shared them with me.
One of the worst things that went through her mind was that she would not live up to the image he was waiting for, that she wouldn't be pretty enough , feminine enough.
He has so many fear and hopes rushing through him right now ,I doubt he even realizes that you are feeling insecure and hurt.
It's a tough process to go through , finding yourself , becoming complete, he has a lot on his mind.
By all means ask him if you have to , but please consider all the turmoil that he is going through.
We are all here for you.
•
The poor guy is scared, probably out of his wits, and has a lot to deal with. If he wants a bit of space, respect that, but let him know how much he means to you.
When the time is right and the storm within him calms down, you can sit down and have a real good chat, but let him know you are there when ever he needs and wants you. 
Good Luck
•
I agree...give him space but DO NOT cut off contact! He needs to know you're "there" but does not need you nagging.
Are there any guarantees that once he completes his transition he'll be ready to get back with you? NOpe, but there are no guarantees in life, the best you can do is be supportive and stay in contact.
•
Communication is a big thing in a relationship.
So you might be forced to talk to him. A good time is while you two are in a car, you driving.
-ask him what he was looking for in the pre op relationship. What were the good and bad, how much value was the relationship in his life back then. For those things you guys talk about how does he see them change post op.
dont be afraid.
•
Thanks everyone
I'm currently trying to figure out how to word this so I don't mess up and sound like I'm mad
I mean, the more I think about it, the more I have to agree that he's probably just freaking out, and me getting mad at him won't help in the slightest
Wording things right has always been a problem for me. I seem to shove my foot in my mouth more times than not, and it has lead to a lot of issues, and I don't want that here.
I love him, and I don't want to lose him even if we just end up being friends
•
Rae Wrote:Thanks everyone
I'm currently trying to figure out how to word this so I don't mess up and sound like I'm mad
I mean, the more I think about it, the more I have to agree that he's probably just freaking out, and me getting mad at him won't help in the slightest
Wording things right has always been a problem for me. I seem to shove my foot in my mouth more times than not, and it has lead to a lot of issues, and I don't want that here.
I love him, and I don't want to lose him even if we just end up being friends
Write him a lovely letter, you can proof read what you have written and sometimes it is far easier to express your true feelings on papers
•
human beings are victim of the Fairy-tale romance.
We live in a society that imposed unrealistic goals for what a 'good' lovers relationship is. We have no real idea what this love thing is all about, and instead of chick-flicks and fairytales that leave us with the impression that they fell madly and deeply in love forever and ever.
Snow White and Price Charming didn't live happily ever after.
Yeah sure, they fell madly into love. But after a spell the realities of life settled in. Prince Charming had to take a second job in order to pay the mortgage on the castle. Snow White had to deal with the drunken behaviors of the 7 children.
Charming and Snow (who was a strong willed woman) had many fights and arguments, she was tired of being a stay at home mom tending to the needs of the 7 dwarves, he was sick and tired of working two jobs in order to pay the huge mortgage on a castle that the economy pretty much made its 'worth' far less than he initially signed on for.
While the Mother-in-law (Snow's Stepmother) was out of the picture for that particular marriage, Charming mother was a harridan who had old fashion ideas of what a princess did and didn't two, and she didn't much approve of Snow having had other children from the past. Her visits were hellish, no she didn't smash things and scream, it was the sly comments, the barely concealed tone of contempt for Snow that really did a number on the marriage.
With all of the work and all of the stressors, Snow and Charming grew distant. Their bed-time activities closed down to nil and they stopped talking because both felt the other wasn't being heard.
It all ended in divorce because neither one of of them expected love to be a lot of hard work. Neither one of them understood what partnership and sharing of responsibility in a relationship was all about because they relied solely on the story of Sleeping Beauty and Her prince was had been abridged and soften over the retelling presenting Snow and Charming with unrealistic ideals about what this love thing is all about. ...
The reality is there are stages to love: https://www.google.com/#hl=en&safe=off&o...59&bih=858
The reality is that people know how to talk, but few actually know how to effectively communicate: https://www.google.com/#hl=en&safe=off&s...59&bih=858
Sure, you may not have brought 7 little beasts into this marriage of yours, but your relationship does have past issues and problems (from both sides) that influences and effects how you two treat each other.
Sure, you think you have a unique situation because the F2M transition thing, but the reality is all couples have 'something' that is as hard and difficult to deal with that brings with it some change in one (or both) of the individuals.
Yes he wants his space - it is a typical reaction/action when dealing with 'stuff'. And his case may be a bit more unusual due to the influences of how society views his needs/changes - but he is going through the same thing that many others go through in that he needs time to think, needs to weigh the significance of is next actions.
Love goes from hot passionate, 'I have to be in your arms 24/7' to a general 'I like you enough to keep you around because it satisfy me in some way I really don't understand - its comfortable.'
That is how love works, be it straight or LGBT, love modifies, changes, tending to become deeper in many unseen ways while cooling off in the passion department.
Sure, there are couples who really can't stand one another and really can't work anything out. Is that you? Most likely not.
Since he is TG/TS, he most likely is seeing a therapist. If not then he should be. You also need a therapist because frankly, there are going to be a lot of issues and troubles - not because he is TS/TG but because the way society will treat him.
You both also should seriously get a couples counselor to work together on his venture and to learn how to really communicate.
•
I talked to him, and reminded him that I'm always there for him and that he's important to me.
We talked for a bit, and he told me he's been going through some tough stuff emotionally/mentally. He told me he knows I'm there for him and he's grateful, and this makes me feel calmer.
I took a big step too.
I took off the locket he gave me for our first Valentines Day. I feel naked without it, but I know I need to learn to let go...
I am thinking I might try actually dating others. I mean, I haven't been on a real date, well, ever.
But I just feel my heart will still belong to him until either we are together again or until I can finally let go. But really any way you slice it, I'm 18 and should probably be working on more of a social life along with my studies...
•
|
