gay friend pulling away

[jennrnua]

I am new to this site. I have a friend that I know is gay; however he has not come out. I've only known him six months, but I care for him dearly and it hurts me to see him hurt. I have tried to let him know that our friendship is unconditional and he knows I have other gay friends. I have never mentioned sexuality to him although he has danced around it a little, in a joking way. He recently started acting distant and not himself. It worries me and I don't know what to do or how to help him. I know the struggles he must be going through (b/c of my other gay friends) and I don't want to lose him. I need advice on getting my friend back and anyway that I can help him.

[Blue]

Be patient, it sounds like he's having a really rough time and, may be close to coming out. You don't live in the most gay friendly area, and I can only imagine what his family and other friends might think and, how they might react. I'm sure he knows all too well the likelihood of negative reactions form many of them.

It isn't uncommon for people to withdraw when they fear losing a lot on a personal level and, my guess is that's where he is now. It hurts less if you voluntarily pull away and, it's hard to pull away from the majority of the people in your life and not all of them. I think he isn't intentionally pulling away from you, but from others.

Just be there, and understand he's struggling. Offer him a safe, quiet place to just not be alone and not have to talk or anything. Just having a supportive friend to sit with that doesn't pry or push, and will listen if you need to vent or talk is a huge comfort.

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome :-)

Maybe he is not ready that someone "officially" know that he is gay .... you know ... to know that someone is gay and to show him that you know that he is gay can make a difference.

Honestly I think you have to talk to him now ... if he startet to pull him self back I can´t see other possibilities which would work. From his view he is in danger of a complete outing if someone know that he is gay.... and it is very important now, that he feel that you are not a Danger for him.

[jennrnua]

Thank you for your advice. I have been doing alot of that already. And no I do not live in an area that is accepting at all. His mother actually just jumped on that whole chik-fil-a bandwagon and put it all over Facebook. My heart broke for him. Who he loves doesn't matter to me as long as he is happy and they treat him with respect. He catches a lot of grief at work as well. He is in a rather difficult profession for a gay man, they make fun of him, in public.

[jennrnua]

OK how do I let him know that I would never betray him like that without saying "I know you are gay" .....in so many words. I'm pretty sure he just had a serious relationship end as well (iPhones, buttdialing, left his phone in passenger seat etc.) It makes me physically sick to think about him not being in my life. I'm so afraid to say the wrong thing that I don't know what to say.

[dfiant]

Yeah, the poor guy is having some drama's dealing with his own sexuality. Chances are he is so conditioned to thinking homosexuality is a bad thing that he is overwhelmed with his sexuality.

I honestly don't think there is a great deal more you can do for him as the process is deeply personal and it is something that he has to go through. You have let him know you are a friend and that you are there for him and that unfortunately is all you can really do.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi and welcome,
First let me say I am so happy that he has you in his life.

Everyone has to come to terms with their sexuality in their own time.
His biggest mistrust would be that you would out him, before he is ready to accept it himself.
Knowing and accepting are two very different things.

I knew that my son was gay , but did not intrude on his privacy, that is how I felt I would be doing.
The same with my granddaughter , I knew she was since she was a tiny thing.

it is so frustrating when you want to reach out and help and reassure , but have to take a step back.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

His mother actually just jumped on that whole chik-fil-a bandwagon and put it all over Facebook.

Ah well, a clear indicator that from the time she popped him out until about an hour ago (or whenever he last talked to her) she has gently and constantly informed him that Gay is NOT OK.

I feel for him, but as others have basically said, reaching the point where one accepts self is often a hard road to travel down. Especially in an environment that makes a big deal out of informing everyone its not OK to be whatever that self is.

How do you let him know?

Ask him for his advice. Tell him you know someone who is struggling with coming out (Oh I can't say names because you see I would never out a person). Tell him you wonder if your coming off as 'antigay' and if he thinks you are.

While he may not accept his own sexuality, if you act like you are discussing someone else's problem explaining pretty much to him what you said here, he may open up to the whole idea that you are down with the 'gay thing' and then find the comfort and strength to come to you.

Its not like you can say 'Hey look, I have no problem with LGBT.' Because that will feel like you are fishing. So you are going to have to direct a conversation where these sorts of comments would come up naturally while addressing some other person altogether.

[Royal]

your friend might be gay then he might not be. If I were you I wouldn't automatically assume he was gay and just because, he danced around jokingly doesn't make him gay. maybe he wanted to make a connection with you and make you laugh or just have a good time and laugh in general. also, he could be distance himself due to other problems (work,school,family,life,etc) if he is gay let him make that decision when he's ready. good luck

[JisthenewK]

He will gave to come out to you on his own time. I used to be a hardcore Christian and that's what kept me from coming out. My best friend knew I was gay, but whenever she mentioned it, I also denied it. Give him time. He needs to do this by himself. It's hard, but it's what he should do. Be there for him, though. Show him support and make sure he doesn't go suicidal.