May I rant on your shoulder please?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Okay, any of his med injections? If so start checking the leftovers. As for snorting vs. slamming, no you don't get that initial hit, but you still get the legs and, it is easier to hide than slamming so, I wouldn't rule it out. Same with pills, takes a bit and no rush, but the legs are there and, that's when the tweak happens.

You know as well as I do that even long days of hard work and a cold don't cause a 48 hour crash. Sorry man, but that's about a dead give away and you know it.

He SAID work, where's a copy of his schedule?

Now I will give him that some of it could be HIV related, but, not all of it. And him being positive bring up the whole "I've got a death sentence, so might as well live it up while I can." mentality thing as a possibility. Check the side effects of his HIV meds, and the interactions. He might be playing with fire more than he realizes, and I'd hate to see that fire burn you any worse than it already has.

This site has most of them, even the newer ones and, it gives detailed information about each one.
http://www.aidsmeds.com/list.shtml

I empathize with you, just making sure you have as much information as you can here. You can't be prepared for what might come if it blindsides you.

Blindsides me? I don't understand that.

Schedule copy he copies from a paper he brings home onto the calendar.

Thing is, his bosses call and do change things up , and they have a habit of telling him to stay late. How often in reality? Uncertain. But this is for Target which works hard to not give out full-time, hires irresponsible kids who call in 'sick' especially on Fridays. I know that that is typical for the store scene, thus do expect some phone calls to come in today, and do expect some late hours.


Check the meds, actually I do read all the paper work and what not, and constantly 'nag' him to eat with it, take them 12 hours apart, blah blah blah... Instead he takes just before bed, sleeps 8 hours then takes upon rising, so his levels are probably way off the chart half the day and then drop later in the day. Takes it without food - he just doesn't seem to get the whole 'this is supposed to be done in a proper way.'

Warnings and possible side effects do include a lot - and I mean a lot of things that could resemble 'crashing' on a bad day, or anxiety/depression and other mood changes (thus the antidepressant he is on to 'control moods').

He also gets diarrhea and other 'side effects' that he takes OTC pills for which have their own series of interesting side effects.

And anticonvulsants/seizure medication (epilepsy, well controlled, he has only had one seizure in 14 years (that I know of) . He takes enough pills to rattle when he walks that is legal and prescribed. The Seizure medication leads to slightly dilated pupils. So slightly dilated pupils (a typical signature sign) is easily discounted due to his seizure pills.

Mind he has constantly complained of other issues where I have gone with him to doctor and the doctor has told me these things are to be expected with whatever medication at the time.

Again, some of the behaviors can be related to the pills he takes (medically). So it makes it all hard to tell if he is snorting/orally taking something.

He goes around in short sleeves or sleeveless shirts, so he isn't injecting in the arm(s). Yes I know injection sites vary, but he goes around barefooted and wearing shorts and doesn't seem to be hiding the other typical injection sites. Other than a strip search, I don't think he is hiding injection sites. But then I could be wrong about that too.

I do know he has been doing energy drinks. The floor of the car is his personal trash can (the trashcan on wheels I call it). I also know he does those double cappuccino 'coffees' (there is a Starbucks at the Target Store, thus he gets nearly all the caffeine he can drink) , which his Doctor says he needs to cut back on caffeine with his meds. His diet is sugar, chocolate, sugar, caffeine, sugar and did I mention sugar? and whatever I can convince him to eat that has hidden veg and actual nutrition in it.

So I could be seeing signs of tweaking when its just poor health, poor diet and careless medication taking coupled with the side effects.

[Blue]

Could be, but, a lot of OTC meds don't mix with HIV meds and, some can hasten death. I don't want his carelessness, or whatever he is doing to take you by surprise if the worst happens.

Whatever he is doing, it doesn't sound like he's on a good path at all. Maybe mocha flavored Insure is in order. (or at least the high protein Bolthouse Farms cappuccino)

You're like me, I'm skeptical until I can prove myself right or wrong, and in this case, it's well warranted. You and I both know all the tricks to hide various things, even from partners and, I'd bet he does too.

I know prescriptions can be horrible, I saw one partner through Hep C., another nasty one to deal with. We split before the end, but it did finally kill him a few months later. Even though we weren't together that hurt because I trusted his word that he'd survive it and, that the OTC things he took were okay with his prescriptions. It wasn't, some of the stuff was diminishing the effectiveness of the interferon. had I done a little research, at least I would have expected it, even if I couldn't do anything about it. That's what I mean by don't get blindsided - don't let the potential results of his very likely destructive choices take you by surprise.

Don't let him drag you down either. I know you want to help him any way you can, I would too in your place, but don't give so much that you burn yourself out. Take care of you first, and stay ready to take care of all the rest life is throwing at you right now.

[princealbertofb]

All of these reasons why people who are negative should try to stay negative... Who wants those kinds of side effects?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think we will just go the route of roommates without benefits.

Its going to take time to sort through our "Us" crap bills, finances, material possessions and figure out whats "Yours" and "Mine".

Legally we have a lot of stuff linked up, for instance living trusts, wills, life insurance policies. Car/driver insurance is on one policy. The truck was registered under his name (it was just easier at the time) Of course the truck no longer runs and is being parted out.

I have dumped money into his debts: I paid for about half that car he drives, probably paid off one of his student loans by myself, and other things like that. So we need to figure out how to separate that to where I won't feel totally stung.

This also means that we will sleep in the same room, but not the same bed. This place is tiny (450 square feet) with only one bedroom. So we will be switching out the bed for twin beds this weekend (the folks have a set in storage -yay)

New Rules:

Since I have been playing at being the mommy in the household, I am currently devising new rules. While I put up with a lot of crap from my partner, I feel I shouldn't have to deal with this sort of stuff from my 'new' roommate.

I'm uncertain how to settle the cooking part. He doesn't know how to cook much so I naturally did it since I know how to take raw potatoes and turn them into mashed potatoes (something he still can't figure out!:o) Do I still cook for him owning to the lack of kitchen skills?

Cleaning definitely has to be shared... I'm uncertain how to insure he cleans 'half'. But I want a strict 'You pick up your crap each day' rule.

Since I am currently engaged as caretaker of this property which pays electricity, water, trash, sewage and most of the rent (we only pay $150 a month) I think that since he no longer my 'partner' and only a roommate that he needs to start doing some yard care around here to 'pay' his half of rent.

Honestly I do not know what the 'rent' and all of these assorted things (electricity, well water, septic tank, trash collection) would be in cash. If I knew how much this was 'worth' I would just charge him rent (cash) - giving me spending money.

I'm wondering if I'm in my right to insist on a drug testing. If so how do I go about getting him tested? Can I enforce a 'drug test' rule on a 'roommate'? Should I even bother?

Garden foods: That vegetable garden has been my labor or love, from it we get a majority of food we eat around here. I have no idea what its 'worth' in cash. I do all of the work, turning soil, weeding, planting/sowing, cultivating watering, tending bug picking, harvesting, spreading manures and compost... Lots of work. I also do a lot of canning and sun-drying. So its not like we go to the grocers and get a receipt that we can divide in half and food costs are settled. I'm uncertain how to 'divide' the garden.

I really don't want him in the garden. His ability to use tools is 'iffy' and I doubt he would pull just weeds, or for that matter is competent enough to not trample seedlings, or pull up all the carrots when I say 'be selective'.

I have no idea how to 'share' the burden on that.

He may not bring 'dates' to the house - ever. They will be shot. Period.
The reality is I don't want 'casual' strangers knowing where we live, and what is in the house. I don't know these people and I doubt I can trust them.

---> Is that reasonable?

As for mom (His mom, my 'mother in law' who I guess will now be my 'ex-mother in law') I don't see why I need to change anything there. No need for be to get pissy and treat her badly for her son's behaviors.

What do you all think? Is this a good solid plan to make it through a transition phase?

Any other ideas suggestions to make this 'workable'?

[princealbertofb]

Wow, that's our man resurfacing... I like the strong will that goes with it. Implement what you can, David... Keep the cooking and the garden to yourself, as that's how you'll get the most satisfaction from it. Maybe you should ask for a lump sum of money each week or month to cover food costs.. At the same time you probably want to know that he's eating well and not bingeing on crap (and not bringing back home those cartons of pizza that will be strewn around the place, even if there is a rule of pick-up-your-own-crap).

Can he be trusted with doing the laundry and putting it out to dry? Can he be trusted with putting out the trash? Think of the odd jobs around the house that he can be trusted to do fairly honourably and give him those. Anything that can empower him to some extent may be key to him finding back his self-esteem and may be a way to healing (still hopeful me! ). No, I don't want his demise, and I want you to be as comfortable as you deserve.

As for mum in law, no need to worry her or treat her any differently. He's a grown up now, he can be responsible for his own deeds.

By the way, your garden is your own healing factor. Keep it as it is: yours!

[ChadCoxRox]

oh my...

:frown:

[Blue]

First Lots of big, safe hugs to you, David.

My suggestion would be to keep the garden your territory, but make washing and putting the produce you harvest away his job (what I do with non gardening partners) He can also certainly go out there with you and help you pull weeds, water and small things like that.

Yes he should do some of the yard work, he does have a job so perhaps the less time consuming things that can be done on his days off would be okay there.

Cooking, yeah that's hard when he basically can't cook, but you can get him to help and, in the process teach him a bit more cooking too. Have him act as your sous chef - doing the prep work while you do the actual seasoning and cooking.

Decide what other household chores he can do to your satisfaction and when they need to be done, then make a chore list for him, if it isn't on the list, it's your job and he need not worry about it. List everything, including him picking up after himself, and since you cook, he should wash dishes and wipe down the counters and stove at least once daily after the evening meal.

The financial tangle is a lot harder to deal with. That car, pretty easy if you have another vehicle, then just let that be his. Cost wise as far as rent an utilities go, I'd say total 400.00 to 600.00 per month for that place. (based on the higher cost of living out there and, a studio cabin here going for 300.00/month utilities included.)

It sounds like you did what I do, took the majority of the financial burden on yourself for both of you. Obviously trusts, will, insurance policies need amended or dropped as you see fit. That's the worst of it. The rest is a matter of how demanding you want to be on him, and what he is realistically capable of covering at this point in his life. Some of the thing you paid on his behalf, you will just have to let go. You paid for it all in good faith that you would remain a couple, that didn't happen but, you can't ask him to repay things from the time it was a good relationship and, you two made joint decisions to pay it as you did, or you were left to pay it due to his lack of ability to pay.

Now, you need to get it as close to being separate or 50/50 as possible. Like his car insurance, he needs to pay that while you pay yours. If not in actual money he contributes, then in work he does that you would otherwise have to do yourself to make up for any financial shortcomings of his.

As hard as it is to accept, you will never recoup what you put into the relationship financially, it boils down to evening it out form today forward and letting what you paid in the past go, it's done, over and trying to balance and recoup that just isn't worth the hassles or the headache.

However you ultimately work it all out, and while you're working it out, rant on my shoulder all you want. I might not be much help, but venting makes us feel better.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

(sigh). This seems like a lot of work. Lists and deciding. I'm tired of being the decider... I want someone else to take over this burden.

So basically he gets rewarded for 'bad behavior' - While I get punished for being faithful - once again another good deed gets punished.

That sucks.

Maybe I should just stop being the nice guy and do what I need to do to win in life.... I'm tired of finishing last.

[Blue]

I know, it hurts - go on get mad, yell, scream, go beat up a tree or two, then come back and get a hug.



If I could, I'd sort as much as possible for you. Don't take the lion's share of the work and chores on yourself. Do live to win, but right now that might mean the best you can do is cut your losses and stop the bleeding.

I know too well that survivor mentality, that even though you KNOW better, that niggling voice keeps telling you it's all your fault, you deserved it somehow., that it's just history repeating itself and, it's probably going to happen again. I'd tell it to shut the hell up, but it won't listen to me, it will listen to you though. Don't go there, man, you not only deserve better, you are better, stronger than that.

Don't reward him, beyond perhaps not demanding he repay what you know he can't afford to repay. I know it's a headache, but you've got to sort it out and get things balanced, so you aren't carrying the lion's share anymore. Accept and take on what you can and give the rest to him as far as chores go. I would ask him to pay rent since with an outside job, he simply won't be there to do some of the work around there, and he can't cook.

Once the mess is sorted, live for you, live to win. You don't have to be a cold, cruel ass to do that, you just have to care about you and your future and, not sacrifice yourself or your finances for anyone ever again. You know how to do it as well as I do.

It's hell putting all of that therapy and all of those life lessons into practice that you know will work in your favor, but I can tell you from personal experience that when you do, it all comes together so fast it's hard to keep you head from spinning. I finally did it 10 years ago, you know where I was then. Living hand to mouth in a truck somebody else owned, making 40,000 a year. with no retirement plans beyond Social Security, popping pills, running more white lines than I care to count up my nose, killing myself for nothing.

Where am I today? I own my home, one I built myself, the home I want, I'm off drugs for good, I have both a substantial 401K and an equally substantial IRA. A brand new Chevy Eco, a 3 year old Silverado pickup, two boats (One canoe and one Carolina Dory) and, a firearms collection that would make a doomsday prepper green with envy and, a net worth of over 1,000,000.00 Yeah that fast and you know what, I'm not an ass, I'm probably one of the most generous, empathetic, compassionate guys around but, I don't pull the punches when it comes to being honest with people around me and, I don't sacrifice my own well being in any way for anyone.

Yes I had a partner for nine of those years but, it wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't and, it doesn't matter that he's gone now. I wanted him with me, loved the good times we shared, even gave him quite a bit when we split but, I NEVER needed him. I knew I could do it alone if I had to. I had the knowledge and the tools to do it. And I never let him take more than I could afford to give on any level.

David, you have it all too, and I know you're angry and hurting right now, and putting it all into practice seems like a horrible, impossible nightmarish task but, it isn't impossible. Take some time for you, heal a little and just worry about you. Then take it one step at a time, but don't give in and don't give up. You can and will come out the winner, and stay the winner.

[BobInTampa]

Hi Bowyn:
I was just catching up on your replies to posts and saw that your partner has hiv and your short reply about your sexual relationship with him.

Please know i am NOT making excuses for him - i am NOT! However, if you go on to any hiv support boards you'll find that you are part of a grown group of men in poz/neg relationships where this happens.

Unfortunatly, it's VERY common for poz men in LTRs with negative partners to cheat with other poz men behind their neg partner's backs. I'm sure, since you've been togheter for 14 years and have lived with him living with hiv, that you've had conversations about safe sex, his fear of transmitting the virus to you, etc.....and while those talks are cruicial, it's VERY common among poz partners to want to have bareback sex..they can't have it with their partner, so they cruise online or at bathhouses simply to experince the freedome of sex without worry of transmitting hiv to their partner.

And while i'm not a therapist, i would be in his heart-of-hearts he justified his cheating by saying to himself, "i love him and i just couln't live with myself if i passed on hiv to him, so i'll just meet with other poz men from time to time to get my sexual needs met and that will be ok."

Add to that meth, and how it eliminates normal power of reason and common sense, and I think that might be the core of the issue. I would bet he loves you fully and totally, but the HIV issue (even tho you've both been living with it for 14 years), he's become paralized about having sex with you out of fear of transmission.

Again, i'm NOT giving him a pass or making excuses for him, but i can tell you that i have 2 sets of friends who were in the SAME situtation (poz/neg) relationship and i think my sharing waht happend to them might help.

Couple 1: six months into dating exclusively, i'll call him John, tested positive for hiv. They had both been tested 1 month into dating and both tested negative (as you know it can take 3-6 months for enough virus to be detected). They talked with an hiv doctor and, because they both loved each other so much, decided to work with it and play safe (both were versitle sexually). Within 4 years, Joe caught John cheating with another poz guy (and yes, after chatting found out he'd been having sex with poz friends the duration of their LTR). Their sex life had gone from frequent to rare over the 4 years, but Joe chalked that up to new jobs, new house, and a death in the family that they worked thru togehter). Joe tested negative for hiv and all other STD's, but didn't know what to do. They talked to a therapist and basically, despite both having the best intentions for being life-partners, John was mentaly incapable of getting over the fear of transmitting hiv to Joe. It wasn't about John being able to remain monogmaous, it was that John's fear of giving Joe hiv and that living in a totally sex-less relationship was not an option - neitehr was having an open sexual relationship. So their LTR ended.

Couple 2: Ken and Adam. Ken knew Adam was hiv poz when they met. He was well educated about hiv and so entering into an LTR with Adam was something he was comfortable with (and like your man, Adam was a total bottom). For 2 years they practiced safer sex, but like most couples (gay and str8) the amount of sex dropped off to a point where they were at an impass and at risk of moving forward together. Yes, Ken caugh Adam on bareback sites and while he'd never cheated, he was always online and on webcam with other poz guys. I have to say upfront that Ken and Adam are a great couple - i mean, even after 10 years together they seem to love each other with the same passion as they did the first year together and neitehr wanted to end the LTR but they had to resolve the sexual issue. Here's waht they did: Ken and Adam are still together. Ken now tops Adam without a condom and gets tested for hiv every 3 months. Adam has been undetectable since being on meds, and they both knew the risks and balanced it with their love and to this day, ken has tested negative for hiv.

I share these stories with you because i know them both first hand, but based on all your replies, i think alot of what's going on is his hiv (and yes, meth is an issue, but we both know that meth for him is his way of just escaping - as is the case with most addicts.).

Being roomates without benefits (i'm trying to figure that out since you said you and he rarely have sex anymore), so the benefits sound more like social/monitary and conveneince. I'm also very aware of the stress you're under and your feelings of emptiness - all very normal and expected. ANd while breaking up can be a slow, painful and expensive process, by being "roomates" really isn't resolving anything. It's actually keeping the status quo - without the cheating behind your back.

if he and you remain roomates, he'll be able to continue his sexual exploits and have a guy at home who he lives with. And what about you? Are you going to start dating and bringing dates home? As a transition option, it makes sense to work thru the separation of bills and such - but at the end of the day, if you're both dis-investing in your LTR, you should be honest about a deadline for ONE of you to move on...and also establishign rules to live by while you're still in teh same house.

OR, you decide to stay together in your LTR, accept his needs for bareback sex and fear of transmitting hiv to you and you work out rules for having an OPEN LTR. Or you do what couple 2 did.

What do you think about what i posted?