May I rant on your shoulder please?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

What Bob said.

Move forward, and upward when you are ready. Just no more downward allowed okay? We'd all hate to see you go there again. (and you know where that is).

Um. Which place? Swimming in a Sea of Alcohol? Reverting back to using sunshine in a bag? Or taking antidepressants and instead of keeping a promise just keep my f-ing mouth shut and just doing 'it'?

To tell the truth I have toyed with all three of these options this past week.

Instead I called the brother in-law and asked him to come over. I handed him all my fire arms (yes including the sidearm in the box that used to be next to my side of the bed) and asked him to hold them for me, as there have been break-ins and thefts in the neighborhood (no lie there) and I didn't want my tools being used in a murder.

He has 'the vault' a semi-buried basement where he has a cinder-block wall and a steel door. He keeps all of his hunting gear in their since they always had kids, now grand kids in the house. A safe place.

I guess that's ex-brother-in-law. As far as I know no one in the family knows what's going on. I haven't said anything to face to face people we know. For some reason I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Anyway, I have thought a few strange thoughts and have taken some steps toward keeping me safe from my very worst enemy (myself).

Everyone else - thanks for your support and kind words. It is very much appreciated.

[Blue]

None of those places and, especially not that one you hid your firearms from yourself to avoid. I know it's tempting, anything to escape, even for just a few hours. I wouldn't blame you if you did, but I think you're stronger than that and, from your post up there ^^, I'm right.

Now don't go beating yourself up for coming close either - that only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades and government work and, last I checked relationships are none of the above.

It's all too easy to go back to familiar ground, even when we know it's a bad place to be, at least it's familiar and, we know the easy exit is there, even if it's the wrong exit. Lock those exits, as you are doing, you'll make it past them and, be stronger for it.

I know, you won't listen to this one but, I'm going to tell you anyway. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed about doing what you know is best for you in the long run. You're being more than generous in letting him stay as your roommate. That's more that I could do. If I had to look at my ex everyday, especially in the first week or two after we split. I don't know if I could let go of the anger and hurt.

Stay strong, it really will get better and easier and, remember "Footprints in the Sand." Your faith, even though it isn't mine anymore will get you through this.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

[Cav937]

Bowyn, you're in a good place. You have the wherewithal to know what harms you and which mistakes you do not want to make. My only advice is to rely on therapy, friends, and family. They will be your support. You cant force yourself to face the embarrassment alone because it will remain unresolved. It took my dearest friends constantly reminding me that i did what i was supposed to do (in the relationship and ending the relationship).

It's going to be a rough journey, but it will be short lived. You will realize how fortunate you are in your new found freedom. For now, continue to process your feelings but dont do it alone. Find the shoulder you need to cry on and the tears will eventually dry. You will awake one day just happy with who you are and your decision. This is not your battle. These are not your demons. This entire experience is merely your opportunity to be truly happy. It just takes a while to recognize it.

[Cav937]

Bravo, Cav!

So, i guess at the end of the day, to quote Dan Savage - IT DOES GET BETTER!

Hang in there...try to find a support group (to be there for you NOW and to support you moving forward... not just for bashing him).

hope you keep us updated on your new journey!

Bob, dont get me wrong, i hate the dating world and all the new-fangled dating devices and websites. But im pleased with other aspects of my life. Without him, i was able to move forward with finally becoming a dad of 2 great kids. I kept the house, because it was mines. Got a new dog. I'm still fly as ever. and I sleep well every night knowing that i didnt compromise just to have a partner. I'll talk crap about him as a partner forever, LOL. He knows that too. I dont consider myself bitter, I consider myself enlightened enough to recognize that not all people are capable of human emotions. Until i find the right guy for me and my family, i continue to appreciate the great things i do have. Life's good, so is bourbon. i dont discount either.

[Maverick]

I agree with what's already been said, and I'd like to also emphasize the importance of opening up with someone, anyone close to you about what's going on. I think it's important to "let it out" and share with someone; I think it can be very therapeutic. Don't go through this tough time "alone", lean on others who care for you. Don't discount them, they would want to know and help where they can.

I'm not "discounting" everyone here on this forum, and I know many are sincere and care deeply as well. But this group is an "on-line" support group, we can't be there "physically" to lend a hand, speak "face-to-face", and give you a shoulder to cry on. I personally hope you can get past any feelings of shame or blame and "open up" to someone close to you. I truly feel that will help, and it might "open the floodgates" of emotions so you can start to heal. I don't think it's healthy to try and "go at it alone", it's noble, but not healthy....

My two cents, for what it's worth...

[Blue]

Well said Maverick, but some people actually do that better if they can let fly at a relative stranger (like us here) in a chat, email, or other online message. Some of us have our own various reasons for never letting anyone close to us in person see any weakness and, it's just easier for us to let that show to a select few long distance friends.

That's fine too, it's still a way to vent that, an outlet and, a place to find a shoulder to rant on (or cry one) even if it is a virtual one. There is a live person on the other side of the keys and, that's enough.

I'm one of those people. Aside from the extra target practice and the fact that my ex was no longer here, no one around here saw anything but the same determined, driven, independent, strong me they always see. Outwardly I was fine, played it off as entirely a practical decision for completely logical reasons from both myself and my ex. Not the entire truth, though those reasons were part of it. For the most part, I leaned on two good online friends and one over the phone friend.

If that's what works best and is most comfortable for you then that's what you need to do. Times like this are not the times to be pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations - you've got too much stress and too many emotions too close to the surface already to be doing that.

As for a professional counselor of some kind, yes if you think one will help but, I also know some of us have been there too often and know the drill, know that another one is not going to give us anything we don't already know we SHOULD be doing.

We will get to it, in our time, we just need a voice form somewhere reminding us that we do know the healthy way forward and up, and that it's okay if we aren't at the point of doing those things for a little while as long as we don't let ourselves go through the wrong exits while we look for the pieces we need to pick up and try to find the glue to fix our broken crystal ball of a life again.

Sometimes it's a re run of a road we've been down before, and we know it but, that doesn't make it any easier, makes it harder in some ways. We know where all the wrong turns are, but we will take a few of them anyway, and we'll stop before the end of those wrong ways and stare at them for a while before we decide to turn around and take the better, harder to travel road.

David, I don't know you well enough to know if that's you, but I suspect it is to some degree. My PM box is always open. Just tell me "No comment allowed" if you don't want any more that a virtual hug for a reply. I'm sure there are others here that keep the PM boxes open too

[Maverick]

Blue,

You are right, we all "deal" in our own way, so I hope I did not come off as being too pushy. I hate seeing someone in pain and I thought perhaps unloading on someone in person might be helpful in "letting it out". However, all in good time, and David will know when it's the "right" time for him.

No matter what we do, or what we try, nothing is going to solve the issue or take away the pain. It's something that we have to pass through, and given the right amount of time (and that "amount" is different for everyone), we can start to heal.

Hopefully once some of the pain starts to subside, this "event" can and will be looked upon as a turning point to something better, much better... and the void you feel now will be more than filled, overflowing in fact, and love will find it's way back into your heart.

Hang in there David...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Therapy: What again?!?!?!

I have been in and out of therapists' rooms enough time that if it paid frequent flyer miles I would be able to fly to Mars and back and still have a round trip to the moon.

And that doesn't include couples counseling and AA/NA rooms.

Face to face/Talking with someone I know... Hmm. The problem here is everyone is who 'We' know. After 14 years everybody "I" knew came to think of me in terms of 'Them' (He and I).

It would feel too strange 'complaining' about his actions and behaviors. I would feel like someone had given me confession and suddenly I'm taking a full page ad in the newspaper to post what I heard.

It would feel too much like breaking confidences.

Besides, I think that someone else should break the 'bad news' since it was his actions that lead to this state of affairs.

I know already that its going to be me to tell everyone, because you know, I have to be the responsible person, shoulder all the burden and be the ass that broke up with him or whatever.

Besides, His behaviors are not really ones I can readily talk about to people I really know. I'm too much the prude when it comes to such things....

[BobInTampa]

Well, you can only keep that bottled up inside for so long. You've kinda put yourself in a dilemna emotionally: keep quiet, remain the "fixer/nurturer/adult" or find someone to vent to on what happend, what you're feeling and all the things that go with it.

Bottom line my friend, you can TRY to keep it bottled up - but it's going to come out in one way or another in one form or another. Whether its your "partner," a friend, a family member or some poor unsuspecting stranger - something will trigger the release of what you're holding inside and i'm betting it's NOT going to be pretty. Now, i'm sure you have some friends who can serve as a safety valve - meaning a "readers digest" version of what you're feeling - for you. I know (i was in a 10 year LTR and know how most of your friends think of you as 1/2 of the couple) it can be tough, and i understand your apprehension about letting the cat out of the bag with what's going on, but you know what? YOU DIDN'T CHEAT, LIE and HURT the one you loved. So, why you're worried about how he'll feel when friends and family find out he's been cheating on you for 14 years is HIS PROBLEM - NOT YOURS! One way or the other, he has to own his actions.

Oh, and keeping it bottled up inside 100% only serves as fodder for less-than-ideal ways to aleviate the pain (ie: booze, pain pills, guns, walks into the ocean, etc.)

I'm NOT saying you have to do anything right this minute, and i know you feel your world's come undone, but you can't keep it 100% bottled up buddy!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah Bob, I know.

Intellectually I know the 'right stuff' to do. Me heart ain't in it - which is to say that emotionally I'm unable to function at this time.

Half the time I don't even know what I am feeling, the other half I slide into the deepest, darkest pit of hell and can't see anything for the blackness.

When I'm sick or hurt I'm like a dog that has been hit by a car, it lays there hurt and in pain and will snap, bite and growl at anyone who approaches to help.

Its a self defense mechanism that has actually saved me in times passed. Sure there are times when it turns around and does more harm than good.

I'm also cursed in being a 'slow thinker'. I think way too much and go through a long, slow processed of tipping over every stone and seeing what is underneath it as I work through to solutions.

Look it took me about a week to confront him, I remained silent and mulled over the emails I saw. Its going to take a month or so for me to reach out to a real person. I'm 'slow' to do things when it comes to the heart. Its just the way I roll.

Eventually I will find myself either at a therapists office or at a friend/relatives spilling my guts. Getting there for me is a process.

Yeah, sometimes I hate the process.