Apathy
09-10-2012, 05:40 AM
snugsy Wrote:So... I'm not really even sure what i want to say about it, or if i even have a question to ask, cause the way i've been feeling is complex and stems from many life frustrations. But over the past month i've become stuck in this rut of apathy. .It is funny how humans are. E\we are creatures of habit, we like our routines, and hate it when it becomes a rut. I get into this work to make money to live thing. So I find when I get of work I come home, but instead of cleaning up and getting with family or friends just getting out to a movie, concert , or something out of the house, I'd just hold up it the house. It is not bad in it self we all need that quiet time away from it all. This has grown into much more than that. It came to the point where I would go to work, come home turn on the computer besides sleep there I would be in till I had to go to work again. This has become my rut as months and months have gone by.
A big part of me believes it is due to my addiction to video games and netflix. I just finished season 7 of buffy the Vamp slayer... loved it... but i went to it specifically to waste my time. I also have been playing way too much league of legends. a stupid online multi-player capture the base sorta team game. Waaay addicted. But i'm at the point where i'm not sure anymore if this addiction is the cause of - or the product of, my apathy.
I certainly know some of this feeling comes from my current shitty family life. Well my parents anyways. I've been out for a couple years now And my parents still rarely acknowledge my sexuality, never met the guy i was in a relationship with (for a year), can't look me in the eye to bring up what they think about me being gay (not that they don't get it accross. they make their firm dis-support plainly clear).
So when i come home every weekend. I drown in this feeling that they don't know me. because we never talk. I know i'm not guiltless. I haven't ever been able to look them in the eyes with pride either. I too avoid confrontation because of the way it makes me despise them. When we do talk. I end up miserable and so angry because of the things they say and the way they show how very little they've invested into actually knowing me as a man (who happens to be gay). (on the flip side they expose how much they buy into every paper they ever read that tells them to not support me for any reason).
And so i feel stuck in this inability to relate stemming from both sides, and an overall disconnect from my life experiences, and the sources my parents turn to to learn about gay life. I feel so unable to counteract what they are learning, and to show them what it is actually like to live my life. Because they disregard my life experiences. And i think it made me give up in trying to even be present around them. And i am fairly certain this apathy has translated into other areas of my life. SOO YEAH. I'm level headed. And i've been coping with this for a while so it's nothing new. nothing i can't deal with. But it feels like it's festering.
My little brother has been my saving grace. He supports me, and (go figure) asks about my life, and he keeps me solid and sane when he's around. And even got me motivated to get back to the gym. Which has helped with a lot of my stress.
But i still have this general lack of interest in doing much more than vegging my life away. I want to want to do things. But it takes so much for me to scrounge up any motivation. I can't exactly pin point any spot where i lost sight of my goals. I still wanna get through college and come out on my feet. But it takes so much more effort now then it used to.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome. But i don't really know what i'm looking for.
I just want to get back to being motivated about school work, and wanting to have a social life, and being normal and stuff.
You are probably wondering where I am running with this. Well your not the only one. Anyway, a week ago my brother came into town. So I wanted to get with him. So I put this proposal to myself something has to give here. And it can't be work. Computer time was the answer. So the decision was made. today is the first in four days that I've been on line. And guess what? The decision to get with my brother when he was in town grew into four very cool days. It had been a number of months since I'd seen my grandma. I saw her and helped her enjoy her 103 birthday. How much time do I have left to spend with her. Saw my mom it had been three or more months since I'd seen her.Got with my other brother and his family. What has it been with him? Oh ya since Christmas.
It really put me to thinking. This is not good for me and my psyche. It's not a positive feed for relationships. Not taking the time for family causes that line of communication to break down. Driving you further apart. And it gets hard and harder to rebuild those bridges.Trust me one day you will wake up and look back to see so many years have pasted you by. Time you can never get back.
Anyway I don't know if you can glean off any ideas from what I have said. I hope you can.In closing I just want to say for me I had to come to the point where I was sick of my ru. Fed up with what was causing my own apathy. Ya we all go through that same thing. I had to decide to do some thing about it.I had to stop over thinking things in my brain and DO something. Foe my I was lucky my bro was in town and it really helped. I don't know what you need to do . Try and do something.If it is hard now it will not get easier later.
I hope I haven't added to your dilemma.It was not my intent. Be encouraged of this one thing as long as you and who or what you have issue with are still around THERE IS HOPE that you will fond a way to reconcile. I wish you luck.
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