Friends with benefits

[leonardo8]

I've recently started experimenting with guys, as I have been bicurious for a very long time. After messing around with a couple guys and enjoying it (for the most part), I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm bisexual. There is one guy in particular that I met very briefly online. We met up and messed around a couple weeks ago and have hooked up a few more times since, and we've kind of established a friends with benefits relationship. Really, it's more like a fuckbuddy type deal, since we've never hung out as friends, just messed around.

As I'm pretty new to this stuff with guys, all I've really expected to care about thus far is sex. I'm not actively pursuing a relationship with a guy at all. But, in all honesty, I can't get this guy off of my mind. He's pretty much everything I find attractive in a guy, at least physically. I find myself wanting to get to know him more, outside of the bedroom. But I feel like he's just in it for the sex.

There's really only one big problem I can see getting in the way of me wanting to casually bring up the fact that I'd like to hang out with him more/get to know him better... He's 12 years older than me (I've found that while age is a big factor when it comes to girls for me, the same is not true for men). Along with that, he's much more "established" and comfortable as a gay man, meaning he has his tight knit group of friends that are all, I'm assuming, around his age. I feel like he would find it awkward (as I probably would too) to hang out with someone who is in their early 20's, when he is in his mid 30's.

Another reason I really don't want to even bother pursuing anything is that I'm not out at all. None of my friends, family, no one. And I really don't feel comfortable coming out to anyone at this point either. So I'm not sure that getting involved with a guy would be a smart idea. But I really can't seem to shake the feelings.

So, is it even worth it to try and pursue anything more than just the "friends with benefits" deal? If so, how should I go about letting him know I'm interested in more than just the physical stuff (and make the age difference non-awkward)? I wouldn't want to just come out and say that I'd like to hang out, because I'm afraid he'd get weirded out and just break off talking to me period. I'd rather just kind of somehow give off the "vibe" that I want more. Thoughts?

[Lemon]

First of all, are you sure it's more of an attraction overall than just a lustful one? Sorry if that sounds rude but I couldn't help but notice that you point out that he's everything you want physically and it doesn't sound like you know him personally that well.
Well I'd say if you're interested (and if you get the chance to just talk), ask him some general questions if you haven't already.
Perhaps he'll find that you two might have things in common.

Based off of why you feel like it couldn't be, of course there are risks. Life is risk.
Don't mistake risk with recklessness.
Does he seem the type to welcome a new friend in their lives or one that be more self-centered.
As for age, age is only a number. People at different ages can either act their age, act older, or act more child-like.
If he does seem the type up welcome a new friend, ask him how others fit in and how they go about their daily business.
Long story short: try to show some interest in his lifestyle and try to find ways to become apart of them.
You may meet others in the groups that you may connect with better.
Just be yourself, be honest, and if all else fails, you at least know that we support you here and are always welcome.
Please message me and keep me informed on how things are going. I'd like to help in any way possible.

[Blue]

I don't think age is a big deal here. It might sound like a lot now, but by the time you hit his age, 20 won't seem that long ago.

I'd try to get to know him as a person and not just a body and see where that goes. You'll be fine hanging out with his friends which, are probably about ages 20-45.

[Varanus]

First of all welcome to the forum...
It's never an easy path to take when your discovering new things about yourself, considering family and friends.
Take it as just yet another chapter in your huge book and just enjoy yourself.
Now I'd like to say that "friends with benefits" always work out but truthfully they don't, one or the other generally develops stronger feelings towards the other "friend" and that I've found can lead to awkward moments and just plain instability.
But by all means if that's the path you want to take go for it.

Just because his "out" doesn't mean you have to be timid or held back, just at the start of this year I was still "closeted" scared to revile my true self to the world until I told two good friends but there also gay so I knew they where going to still accept me either way but just by doing that took a huge relief of my shoulders and then I started with other friends and now I'm up to the family part and can't wait until this "coming out stage" is all done and dusted.

As for a 12 year age difference between the both of you that's not that much of a difference.
The man I'm madly in love with is now 21 years older than me.
I see him Atleast 3-4 times a week, we hang out, have fun, go places together all you have to do is find something that links the both of you together ie. common interests etc.
We've slowly been integrating each other into our "circle of friends" and so far it's been great we've only had positive experiences so far.

As to how to form a friendship outside of the bedroom just slowly take an interest into his life ask small but subtle questions and slowly start sending him txts,emails what ever just get that spark going and all will follow with time.
It took well just over 7 months for the man I'm currently seeing to being more open to me and the idea of doing things outside of the bedroom an I can't complain I'm loving every single moment of it.

Just take it slow, be nice and if it's meant to be it will all fall nicely into place.

[leonardo8]

First of all, are you sure it's more of an attraction overall than just a lustful one? Sorry if that sounds rude but I couldn't help but notice that you point out that he's everything you want physically and it doesn't sound like you know him personally that well.

Just to clarify on this point... Yes, physically, he's pretty much spot-on for me. As far as the personality aspect is concerned, I don't really know him well enough to tell if he's someone I would normally get along with. That's why I feel like I would want to get to know him better. I mean, he's very normal-acting, which is important to me. He seems very laid-back and down-to-earth from what I can tell so far, which makes me like him. So I'd like to know more about him, just don't know how to go about it or if it's even worth it, given my circumstances. Thanks for all the replies so far, though!

[pellaz]

welcome to gayspeak

gay men are dwn on others still in the closet. A couple of angles:
-a relationship is about sharing your life. Cant share anything if you dont have a common life to share. You cant take him home, you cant walk into a restaurant and risk being seen. You cant hold hands in public or plant a big gay kiss on hm at HomeDepot.
-If your in the closet in many aspects your unsure about your self too. There is an emotional risk for him that one day you will just say no. A good possibly if your not out your homophobic, at least internally.

Think of how he feels if your head turns for a pretty lady. bi for you could mean a lot of things but if he is gay its an un know feeling for him and competition along the thinking "Love the one your with" but can you, he dosnt know.

Is your bi false and just a bridge. That happens too

12years is not a big difference and could be your first big gay love. You can learn a LOT and drag him to where he has never been. You can still talk about the same things. I really think is is a big benefit for both boys even if your together for a few months. I hope you can enjoy him for your whole life?

gay men date like the straights. take it easy and enjoy each other, you have only been together for a few weeks? Test; would you let him kiss you in public in view of a pretty lady your age?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

As an ice breaker so to speak, why don't you just ask him on a date - coffee, movie, dinner and see what his reaction is. If he's positive about meeting outside the bedroom and your clear that it may NOT lead to the sex, then at least the idea isn't out in left field.

You can always choose somewhere out of town, so the pressure of being seen doesn't cramp your style.

Keep us posted, and good luck

[ChadCoxRox]

I've recently started experimenting with guys, as I have been bicurious for a very long time. Thoughts?

Practicing coming out with His social circles will help you decide if you want to venture further with your own.

Welcome to the forum and best wishes as you move forward. My VERY best advice is to remember that TIME IS PRECIOUS, especially after it's passed!

[leonardo8]

Practicing coming out with His social circles will help you decide if you want to venture further with your own.

Well, I don't really just want to invite myself to hang out with him and his friends. Especially if he doesn't want his friends knowing about me. That would be kind of awkward for them to ask who I was and how he knows me, and us just be like "Oh, we're fuckbuddies..."

Especially since I'm not out. I'm not so sure I'd be comfortable with letting a bunch of people that are in his "social circle" know about me. It's not that I don't think they would be accepting or anything (obviously they would be), but I've just gotten comfortable with accepting the fact that I'm bi to myself, so I don't think I'm ready just yet to let a bunch of people know.

Plus, I have gay friends and I've gone out with them and been around their "crowd" and I've never really been comfortable with it. I'm just not into the whole in-your-face, super flamboyant, GAY gay scene. Not that there's anything wrong with it at all, it's just not for me. That's part of the reason I like him, he's the very normal, non-feminine, probably wouldn't know he was gay type. But my point is, it's always awkward when I've gone out with my gay friends and all the guys at the bars ask me if I'm gay. I say no, but I know I'm lying. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know if he would even be comfortable or willing to put up with someone like me, who isn't out at all yet, seeing as he's been out and part of the gay community for a very long time. And since I'm not out, I just don't think I'd be very comfortable hanging out with his friends, who are a big group of gay guys.

I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it. The more I do, the more I tell myself it's an absolutely ridiculous idea to even consider. But, like I said before, I can't get him off my mind, so it's hard to just throw the idea of pursuing more out the window. It's just challenging to be okay with pursuing more with all of my particular circumstances getting in the way.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome.

Come out when you feel secure and comfortable doing so.

As for him , why not ask him how he feels about a deeper relationship.
Communication is very underrated , give it a try talk to him.