Me sharing my excitement.

[Hayden]

Do your best to NOT find a corner to hide in

That is indeed a very good thing to consciously avoid, thank you. With any luck it will be held in a circular room.

[mihai]

The only thing i atended durign hghschool was a "private gay party" , they said it was "Meetign teh gay community" .... We all know what happens at "gay private partys" .
Anyway best of luck , hope i knew of somethign like that near me ^.^

[Hayden]

I do apologize in advance for whatever I'm about to say (and the gratuitous profanity I'll probably say it with), but I need to get it out and I need someone to hear me, even though I know that in a little while I'll calm down.

I tried very hard to not sit in the corner. I was aware of that advice the whole time and tried so fucking hard to not be me, but I can't. It's impossible. There were quite a few people there and I'm pretty sure I was the only one who didn't know anyone there. Sitting there alone I was panicking so much I thought my heart would honestly stop. I can't be in any social situation without constantly thinking about putting my head through a pane of glass or slitting my throat. I'm not suicidal, I swear, but it's like a tick. It's all I can think about. I literally don't know how to introduce myself to a person. I don't get it. It's like telling someone to fly without a plane. I just don't know how. I don't understand how people meet other people.

I'm so fucking tired of seeing couples walking around holding hands. I'm tired of being alone. I know it may not be forever, and I know it's ultimately my own doing, and I know I'm relatively young. But it hurts so much. It fucking hurts. It's exhausting. And after a while you get used to it and you get numb to it, but then there's a glimmer of hope of personal contact and all it does is just exterminate that hope completely.

It's not like I was going there like it was some dating scene or whatever, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind that I might meet someone. Just a friend.

I don't understand how things can change if all I've ever seen is things staying the same.

I felt ridiculous sitting there. I felt embarrassed and stupid. I don't know why. I don't know what that means. I really enjoyed thinking about it before I went. I put too much stock into it I know. But I don't go anywhere, ever. I hate the fact that I'm going to wake up tomorrow just to go to class all day and talk to nobody again just like every other day. The sadness I'm feeling right now, I can feel it physically.


I know this is overly melodramatic and that I'm acting like a child. But I really have been putting on a happy face for a long time, perhaps subconciously because I believe is some Karmic thing like the sadness will pay off. But I just crashed a bit and I'm sorry again that this is so immature, but like I said I have to put it out there somewhere. Thank you for reading.

[Blue]

Social anxiety is hard to overcome. The important thing is that you tried. If you have a therapist, ask them about techniques to help you with your anxiety.

It might help too if you went out to coffee shops and such and sat there a while as an observer, get used to being in a small crowd but not interacting and, being calm first. Once it's okay to be around a group, talking with them will be easier.

[lizzielee]

Hayden that was a very hard situation you were in.... so please don't let it hold you back for anything in the future. You know, maybe you just didn't connect to anyone there and so don't give up. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.........must of been horrible for you..............

Socialising can be hard at times depending on our mood, the people we have to socialise with etc etc and lots of other things that can contribute to it being a success or not.

You said you don't know how to introduce yourself to someone well just go up and say........Hi I'm Hayden, how are you today........and take it from there. If you click then the converstation will flow, if not, then move along to another group of people. Have about 5 subjects to bring up in the convo so you have topics to start talking about. Something like that.....

Oh God....me too........ I'm so tired of seeing couples walking around holding hands.........I say to myself I bet they are having an affair LOL.....

Don't be embarrassed by it all. It just might of been that you did not connect to those people so don't be so hard on yourself......

I hope you are okay.........take care and all the best for the next time.

For the next time, I'm going to send you an ear piece and I will be in your ear during the night prompting you.......................God you will probally end up going home with a woman YIKES..... no you won't!

[Hayden]

Thank you both immensely for the kind words. I definitely needed them. As predicted, I calmed down pretty quickly. Largely due the fact that I was slapped in the face with problems that actually matter a few hours after that incident. I got admitted into the hospital that night (still here, but I'm totally fine, getting out soon I think) due to an infection on my arm I got a week ago that kept getting worse and worse. I ignored it for the exact proper amount of time, which is to say, I ignored it until my entire appendage was beet red and swollen and until I began shaking and vomiting uncontrollably from the 104 fever it was causing. If I was on a cattle drive in the Old West, my partners would’ve left me under a dried out oak tree with some jerky and revolver and said their good-byes.

I truly believe that the stress I was putting on to myself from my immaturity exacerbated my injury to that point. Which is really, really dumb of me.

But again, thanks for the very kind words. You both offered great advice that I will certainly take to heart. (LizzieLee, I am going to take you up on that ear piece offer. At this point, I really don't care who I go home with. ) Bottom line is, y'alls made me feel a lot better. Thanks.

[hue]

I have never been to such an event either...the closest I've come is my interaction with you all here. I have a budding friendship with an openly tg female at work but haven't actually talked about my lifestyle. lol, I fretted about it, then found out tonight she lives nearby, so she has likely seen me crossdressing. so much for being closetted at work!

Ug...rambling! never post while drinking! hugz n smoochies!