Let's be blunt, someone tell me how to get my boyfriend to have sex with me.

[hiben]

Hello GaySpeak forums!

So I've been with my boyfriend for about seven months now. I know that's not terribly long, but we had been friends prior to us dating, and had known each other or at least known of each other in school for years also. We're super close and (I feel like) in love and we share so much together, and similar hobbies. Shit's great. Except for our sex life >_<

I mean honestly, we mess around constantly and are always having a good time and he sleeps over all the time but as far as REAL sex goes, we've tried about six or seven times and every time something just doesn't work out.

He's always been more of the "love a person as a person and not as a gender" type, so he's bisexual (openly, now) but he's had sex with two girls before and just "messed around" (not much) with one guy. Never had sex with a guy, but he's a lot smaller than me and while he's probably a little more masculine than I am (hard to judge, depending on the day) it really feels like he should be the "bottom" when we're getting intimate... at least that's how he makes it seem, and how he seems to want it to go.

*I* on the other hand, have been an openly gay guy since early high school and I've had sex with 9 guys, been top every time except for two (where I was both but mostly top...) and every other time it's worked out fine. Or at least worked out in the end, maybe slightly uncomfortable at first.

Bottom line is that it hurts him. I know to be gentle, I know to use lots of lubrication, I know to go really slowly. It's worked for me many other times with great results. I might be a little big but I'm hoping we can still have sex with each other. Maybe he's so reluctant and he can't relax because he knows I don't prefer bottoming and therefore something must be bad about it? Should I er... try to show him that it's not as bad? Would that be weird? I just want us to be able to have a great sexual relationship too and I know it's new for him but... what can I do to make it better?


SORRY! rant.

[Blue]

Well, anal is not the only way you two can pleasure each other sexually. I'd suggest a couple of things fist make sure he gets off before you try to top him, that will help him be more relaxed. Second, try mixing this, or a similar product 50/50 with your usual lube, and, if it isn't enough, use more of this and less of your usual.

It's water based, edible and a big help for new comers to being an anal bottom.

http://www.kamasutra.com/all/pleasure-ba...g-gel.html

[East]

My blunt advice....

(and if you have tried this...my apologies)

After you enter him...find his prostate gland and let his body talk to your cock...don't go any deeper...just rest your cock there with a little movement until his prostate gland relaxes...and then let him pull you in.....

The reason I am so specific...sometimes a person's mind can get int he way of sex for a hundred reasons I can think of and a million more that would never occur to me....allowing the prostate to become engaged and horny is a great way of turning off the mind and letting the body take over :biggrin:

Although sometimes it is a physical thing...it is far more often a mental block of some sort. I really do beleive that the mind is the biggest sex organ.

[princealbertofb]

I'd love to help, Hiben (and btw to GaySpeak) but what do you consider to be sex? Do you mean penetrative? And of that, do you mean oral or anal or both?

[hiben]

yes, anal sex. We've been doing oral and whatever else for a while now. I know he wants to do it also but I just think he's a little too afraid. He'll always try and avoid it

[ChadCoxRox]

Sounds as if he has still to work through his own inhibitions. If he says he wants to accommodate and learn to bottom then he should practice alone in the shower and in relationship with you too. The alone time with a small dildo helped me tremendously as a top wanting to learn to be a good bottom.

I found that it takes a real man to be a great bottom, but there is no substitute for a well trained (self or otherwise) truly versatile man. mmmm

Best wishes as you seek to grow... Bring him here. Encourage him to explore.
Establish the agreed boundaries and go/grow for it!!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Massage, use a finger for a while then two fingers for a while, then three fingers for a while.... I think its called 'finger f**king'.

As for real sex....

Mutual masturbation where you both take each other to hand... that is REAL sex.

Oral - its real - its sex - its real sex.

Anal sex is not the only form of 'real sex'. In fact its highly possible that a majority of gay men, if they were fully honest with themselves, do not like or want anal sex.

I have read polls where about 2/3rds or 3/4 of gay men do not like anal sex (giving or receiving) and most actually prefer oral with the position 69 being the leading most desired position.

Especially in the era of HIV/AIDS with the general understanding that oral sex is much safer than anal sex.

Do a little research, there are a lot of gay males who do not like anal:
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&output=sear...22&bih=859

Porn movies have done a lot of damage, showing gay men starting out with oral and it always moving to anal. That is largely based on the bigotry that calls us fudge-packers. The reality is that bigots pretty much have created this false dichotomy that to be gay and sexually active you have to like anal penetration.

Physically he may be unable to enjoy anal sex - ever. Or never.

Some men have a too sensitive prostate and its a painful thing no matter how long, how slow, how 'correct' your moves are, it does nothing but cause pain.

It may be that you two will have to just do oral sex, mutual masturbation and other things - it is all good.

[princealbertofb]

I was going to agree with those here, Bowyn for one, who say that any type of sex is still sex whether it's penetrative or not. Mutual masturbation is sex, just lying together cuddled up can be sex, especially if you have a boner. It doesn't have to be penetrative. What we call sex is really the fact of being intimate with someone. It doesn't need to be penetrative.

What I now understand is that you are both wanting to move on to another level which requires a lot of trust (since he's a rather smaller man, and you're well-endowed) and good preparation. I agree with some here that he'd need to work on it either privately or with you, but he may still feel that the backside is "not allowed". We have all been trained since our early childhood to consider our anuses as no-no playing ground.

It will take leaving aside some inhibitions and maybe also being able to fit you inside him, which, for the moment may seem like a real challenge to him.

Does he show signs of wanting to top with you as a bottom? Is that also something that he shies away from? Would you be ready to accomodate him first?

[hiben]

Yeah he has, and I think I'm going to have to show him that it can be done with him doing it to me first, before we go the other way. Just it feels more natural with us lying together and we always kind of move to a "me on top" position when we get into heavy kissing and whatnot.

And I knew I would get the "oral sex is real sex too" thing when I posted that, I probably should have picked different words. We just want to be more intimate then we have been, and we want to be inside of each other, essentially And not just in the mouth. I give shitty head anyway. I should probably just let him penetrate me first. I'm aware that not all guys have anal sex but I've accomplished it successfully many times with other guys, some of whom have been as small or smaller in stature than he is.

Thanks for the advice everyone!

[Samdabisa]

yes, anal sex. We've been doing oral and whatever else for a while now. I know he wants to do it also but I just think he's a little too afraid. He'll always try and avoid it

Speaking from my own experiences, I consider myself a bottom but have only been penetrated twice. I've mostly been an oral person and don't mind that. I do want to be penetrated more in the future, but I know I want to feel comfortable with the person. One of the two guys that topped me kept licking my ear, and sticking it in. It turned me complete off.