were you shy before your coming out?

[italianguy]

Hi, I'm an italian boy...
I've done the coming out only with some friends (girls) and guys met on web communities...
So my sexuality is still a weak point for me: when I know a new individual, in particular if this individual is a man, I feel insicure and shy...maybe I fear to be rejected by him (or even her if the individual is a girl).
Sometimes I think that I am like this 'cause I don't want to take the risk...if I were myself with everyone I could lose many friends (I think) and my relatives..SO I am not myself with others and this makes me insicure and shy...
I hope that in the future I'll overcome my fear for others' judgement and a little bit my shyness
what about you??

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm considered 'shy' Before, during and after coming out.

I'm an introvert. Its not a bad thing.

Insecurity and not taking risks happens to everyone - regardless of their shyness or extroverted-ness. It comes with the territory of being human.

Yes, coming out has its risks, and potential consequences, thus is a serious matter for most LGBT. However the rewards are greater in most cases. Being confident enough to be who you are is a reward.

Those friends who run away when you come out are not the type of people you need to be around.

As for family - well you can't pick them, but if they do run away from you, you need to accept it and live your life. You can live a happy life without blood relatives. For each one you lose there are more 'non-blood' relatives to take their place. People who will love and cherish you for you without the ugly.

[italianguy]

but..if I did the coming out I would risk to lose my friends (at least, many of them)..here is the problem: I'm "scared" 'cause I fear not to be able to make new ones ('cause of my shyness)..what do you think about this?

[Blue]

Shy? No I was never shy, shut down, closed and no communicative yes, very much so. Coming out didn't fix that, had very little to do with why I was that way.

I don't consider myself an introvert, just a loner that likes it that way. When I like you and trust you as a friend, or more, I talk - too much and, don't hide much. The more I trust you, the more I talk and the less I lock away from you.

Careful, I might tell you something you didn't want to know about me

I lost it all when I came out, family, friends, home and, job. Yes it terrified me at the time but now, So the F what, I've got better of all of that than I even imagined I could have back then and, I can be me and not have to put on that tedious act.

[italianguy]

thanks!
Blue, when I read "When I like you and trust you as a friend, or more, I talk - too much and, don't hide much. The more I trust you, the more I talk and the less I lock away from you" I thought "I'm a little mit like him"!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

but..if I did the coming out I would risk to lose my friends (at least, many of them)..here is the problem: I'm "scared" 'cause I fear not to be able to make new ones ('cause of my shyness)..what do you think about this?

I think your fear is valid - meaning it makes a lot of sense and is a 'real' fear.
However I doubt you will go through life and not make new friends.

I only have a few real friends in the world - I can pretty much count them on one hand.

I do have a lot of acquaintances - There is a huge difference between these two forms of relationship. http://www.google.com/#hl=en&output=sear...00&bih=856 has lots of sites that try to explain the difference.

Unfortunately our modern world tends to try to blur the line. All of those people on Facebook are not your friends - although Facebook says they are. Facebook lies.

Your real friends (if you have any around you) will not leave your side because you are gay. They will stick with you through thick and thin.

Mere acquaintances are fickle and will use and abuse you until they have gotten whatever it is they want from you then vanish.

Coming out is a good way to weed out the acquaintances from the friends.

Do you honestly want to be around people who want you to lie to them and play at being something you are not? Is that fair to you? How is it remotely friendly to have to be forced to live a lie in order to keep these people in your life?

Many people will walk into your life, only a very few will prove to be real friends. your being an introvert may keep more mere acquaintances away, but will make you more appealing to many who will be a true friend to you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

thanks!
Blue, when I read "When I like you and trust you as a friend, or more, I talk - too much and, don't hide much. The more I trust you, the more I talk and the less I lock away from you" I thought "I'm a little mit like him"!

Introverts tend to be that way. While we don't trust easily or readily, when we do find a real person to connect with we are not shy nor hide our true selves.

We carefully pick our friends and keep our acquaintances at arms length.

[Blue]

I don't consider myself shy because I have no problem marching in and starting a conversation, I just don't really like many people and, when they get in herds, they are horribly 'noisy.' It's distracting and tiresome dealing with it so, I simply don't if I have a choice in the matter.

[italianguy]

eheh, unfortunately I am too pesimistic in my life so I think this kind of things!
however, I admit that if I think me "come out" I feel more free and with the feeling of a "free" breathe
clearly it is necessary to distinguish between acquaitances and friends: one of the multiple problems is to understand who are the real friends..a coming out would help on this way!

[dfiant]

I wouldn't say I was shy before I came out. Through my teens and into my early 20's I would describe myself as reclusive. Given the homophobia that existed in the 1980's, that was the only way I felt safe. I resented that fact and sometimes I would get angry, but eventually you find the inner strength to not only accept yourself but to love yourself and allow people to see who you are.