LTR trouble - requesting advice

[bt45458]

Hi -

I am brand new to this forum and my first post here. Wish it was an easier topic but it is what it is. I am just looking for some unbiased perspective. So here's the story...

My partner and I have been together for 16 years. I like to think we are a great couple, best friends and spend virtually all of our free time together. I think we believed we were always rock solid.

From time to time the "fantasy" of trying a threesome has come up and seemed to be a mildly interesting thing for both of us. About a year ago we decided to give it a try. We had the ground rules agreed to. Tried it and it wasn't nearly as hot as the fantasy would have suggested. I should mention too that our sex life is...regular. We probably average 4-5x per week but we are extremely vanilla. Basically very oral and routine. My partner is really conservative and doesn't like the butt to be a part of anything. I've become okay with it because I love him and it's just the closeness that matters I guess.

I went through some jealousy afterward. He's of the mindset that "sex is sex" and it really wasn't any different than if we had sex while watching porn. We were just borrowing some other guy for his body and that was that.

I guess I kind of started seeing it that same way and. We ended up trying it with several guys over the next year - I'm not sure exactly what we were looking for but I don't think it ever hit that extra spice that we thought we wanted. We always were on the same page though that any outsider would only be a part of a threeway with us and we'd never play separately.

It also seemed to help with some openness in our own relationship. It seemed to be a new level of intimacy between the two of us and showing us more trust and honesty.

Last week I was out of the country on business. At that time, we were still thinking about finding another guy and try again. Hadn't done so for months and it was really my idea more than his. We had found that Grindr is a good way of meeting "like minded" guys. I had chatted with a few guys on Grindr who were in our local town and had set up a "date" for the three of us when I returned. My partner also said he'd chatted with a few people during the time I was gone too.

So the other night I was suffering from terrible jetlag and went to the kitchen. We share one Grinder account although I couldn't really see any specific chats he carried on his ipad from mine while I was travelling. His ipad was in the kitchen so I took a look to see his chats. Well I found several where he was chatting with some guys, saying his "BF was out of town" and wanted to get together. He gave his mobile number to several of the guys (mind you, this is a work phone). One guy - who was located elsewhere - had a bit or erotic chat. In one, the guy asked him to text a pic of his "stuff". The guy then said "he couldn't make anything out" and by partner said he'd try to send it again the next day.

The one that gives me the most trouble is one where he said he wanted to get with the guy that night, gave him his cell number and said "text me".

Now mind you, I had some "steamy" chat with guys on Grindr also. Mine was always however about doing a threesome and about my partner and I. The chats he was having was exclusively about he and another guy...me being completely out of the picture.

Now the hottest part about all of this for my partner has been the pursuit, the chase, the mystery. The actual act itself seemed to be anticlimactic for him - seemed that way anyway.

Well - I woke him up and confronted him about all of it. I really wasn't angry - just devastated. It really wasn't about him playing but more that I had been excluded from a part of his life. To me, intimacy is no secrets, nothing withheld. He told me that nothing happened at all and that none of the guys texted back. He also could basically account for almost every minute while I was away. BUT...I asked him to show me his text messages and he refused. His rationale was that I just needed to trust him that there was nothing there and that if we started down that path, I wouldn't be satisfied and I want him to then show me his records of when he was in the office and it would be never ending. To me, there were too many open ends in the Grindr chats to believe there was no continued chats and plans there. I told him that also.

So........writing this out, and I could go on but...it's already long here. I want to trust him. We both want nothing more than a great relationship and to make sure it works. Be both are dedicated. But, I really, really feel that he's not been totally open. Part of it may be that he doesn't want to hurt me. A large part is that he keeps his walls up a lot and would be afraid of what would happen (I left a guy 18 years ago because of cheating.) He's also said he would leave me if i ever cheated.

I guess part of this is just I'm writing and need to feel like someone is listening. But where I'm stuck is can I just let go of this with unanswered questions and work on the future and building trust. Or is full disclosure essential to move forward? And is there any way he might be telling me the 100% honest truth? My gut says that there has to be more to it. He has basically only been open about the things that were on Grinder and in front of me. For any of the loose ends where the chat appeared to go to his phone, he denies it all.

Well, thanks for bearing with this long message. If you feel like replying, please don't judge us on our exploits. Of course hindsight is great. That stuff hardly ever ends working out well. Of course we thought we were different and could handle it. Just need some open thought on where to go from here.

Thanks and love to all.

TJ

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Seems to me y'all invited the devil to dinner and he stayed for the long haul.

No advice to give....

[Blue]

Sorry it turned out that way, but, you both agreed to that. Kind of hard to break the monogamy a little, you either don't break it, or you break it entirely.

Not much I can offer, except the old cliche - you made your bed, lie in it, or get a new bed.

[Spades]

Hi and welcome to the group.

Seems to me that you have realised that a threesome is not for you, so tell him that. End the search for a third and focus on your relationship. If he didn't cheat on you, he will agree and things will work itself out. If he doesn't agree... well then you have your answer.

[bt45458]

Thanks and in fact he was the first one that said going down this path was the biggest mistake ever and deleted the account and never wants to do any of that again.

[Blue]

Good, now work on finding better ways to spice things up. Trust me, there are plenty of ways to do that without breaking the monogamy and, with out involving the butt.

Pm me if you really want detailed ideas, not the stuff of public posts.

[Blue]

Good, now work on finding better ways to spice things up. Trust me, there are plenty of ways to do that without breaking the monogamy and, with out involving the butt.

Pm me if you really want detailed ideas, not the stuff of public posts.

[dfiant]

One thing leads to another. Taking a 16 year monogamous relationship and introducing a third party for a series of threesomes is like giving a kid 5 dollars a week and sending them to the supermarket telling them to only bottle of water. The first few times he buys a bottle of water, then he realises the soft drink is the same price so he tries something a little different. Getting brave he decides to add a bag of lollies.

The situation has been created by both of you, it can now only be solved by both of you. I wouldn't push the mobile phone/cheating issue because basically there was a green light there anyway, so you both need to redefine the relationship and the rules and boundaries of your realtionship.

[zeon]

Hello,
With having threesomes in any relationships it is something that begins to become addictive from time to time for someone. When we first meet people we think they are wonderful and its the whole FRESH MEAT situation.. It is about rubbing your scent on that person like a dog pisses on a lampost.. I would recommend not doing threesomes anymore to be honest and devote yourselves for each other because you both know what each other wants and with open relationships like this you find there is a very thin line and people can get hurt so whatever ya do if you continue on with it please understand that it is not about scoring brownie points... Why not just say to one another look when one of us is away if ya wanna play go for it as its just sex but when we are here together we are a proper couple with lots of love and affectionate.. If you guys done 16 years together you can get through this and just have a hug and remind each other how mucyh you love one another

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon xx

[bt45458]

Thanks for the advice everyone. We've been talking a lot - deep talking and so far, so good. The root of everything is really falling into the day-to-day rut of life and letting our relationship go on auto pilot. The "thrill" is a sneaky thing. We thought we could keep control of everything...well of course the serpent reared its ugly head.

Our discussions this week haven't been the greatest topics, but what feels really good is the raw honesty that we are having with each other. This honesty is much more intimate than any physical act could ever enable. I'm in a much better place now than when i posted the other day. I also feel good about our maturity with the situation. No yelling, no crying, no storming out, no silent treatment, no manipulation. Just talking and rebuilding. Even a few years ago I think I might have been reacting much differently than today. That feels good too.