Completely lost

[Bricg1970]

Hi All,
I am recently separated from a relationship of 15 years with a woman and for things of the destiny I met and started to date a Guy, it was like love at the first sight, an inmense atracction toward each other and we have spent great time together. But yesterday, all the sudden we started to talked about ourselves and the future and I understand I am in a rough transition process and I may not be in the best moment but he decided to let me go, he told me I was the first man that he have really love in tears and it is better for me to be alone at this stage, that he doesn't want to be Mr transition and then being hurt.

In order hand, yesterday also I realized how much I love my wife and that my wife love me inconditionally, with her I have met what pure love means and she accepts me the way I am, she only beg for my companion, and the last thing I want is create more pain in the people I love. So my great dilemma now is that if I return with my wife I don't know if I will be able to make it. I talked to her and express her that I still love her but I have a strong attraction toward men and I don't know how I can deal with this in my marriage with her.

Honestly at this point I am completely loss, can you give me what do you thing should I keep myself in the transition or try to rebuilt my old life obviously never will be the same.

[Kiid]

If you are gay you can never love a woman the same as a man.

[Blue]

I think the guy that dumped you was right. He chose not to be a rebound relationship, or a transitional one for you.

A large part of the love you felt may have been that rebound clingy thing we tend to get going on. Understandable and normal, but really it's best to use your better judgement and keep it to friends if one of you had that going on. Nothing wrong with being a bit clingy with a friend that understands what's going on and won't let it go beyond friends while you're on the rebound, in fact such friends are good to have.

You are pretty up in the air right now and, I think the best thing for you do do is learn to be single for a while. How long? I don't know, that depends on you but, I'd start with three months and see where you are then. If you need more time wait 3 more months and re-evaluate yourself. I normally take a year, give or take a month or two after a relationship before I even seriously consider getting into another relationship.

[Bricg1970]

Honestly, the way I feel with a man is way above in intensity of the way I feel with a woman, maybe I am confused between a good friendship and love, sexually talking I don't feel attracted to my wife. Maybe, it is a matter to confront it and accept be alone for some time.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Bricg,

I understand your dilemma, having gone through a very similar transition 10 years ago.

The best advice I can give you at this stage, is don't look back to your old life, but look forward to what the future will bring.

You've already taken the hardest step you will ever take: You've accepted who you are, and you've come out to the people closest to you. You cant put the genie back in the bottle!

The emotional feelings that you have towards your wife is completely normal. After all you were in a relationship for 15 years, no doubt sharing lives ups and downs throughout, and its only natural to look back at what you had when you reach a rocky patch during the transition period that you're going through. However, having her provide you with some emotional support or to turn back to the relationship full time are two very different things. From my personal experience it can be very difficult to separate the two, which in turn can lead to mixed messages being sent to your wife which can end up being emotionally distressing for the both of you.

You don't mention if you have moved out of the family home yet, but I honestly think that you need to take some time-out to be by yourself so that you can start that transition properly.

Regarding the guy that you've recently finished with. I think he understands that your going through a tough time at the moment and recognised that he could be swept up in the aftermath. As a result he decided not to stick around. Well, there are plenty more fish in the sea as they say, so I wouldn't get too upset about that (In fact better to find out now, than later when the emotional ties would have been even greater)

I do think however that its important not to isolate yourself too much, as that can lead to depression and other things. While I would be wary about the rebound effect, its still important that you take some time out for yourself, to do what you want. I know when I was transitioning I tried to take a couple of nights a month and go into Soho for a coffee and a few drinks, just to be around similar minded people, where I could relax without feeling guilty.

There are also plenty of LGBT support groups in London, and you shouldn't be shy about going along to one of them just to meet people to talk to without any pressure of looking for a relationship.

I was single for 6 months throughout my transition period, and while it felt lonely at times it was honestly the best thing I did.

Good luck, and remember the forum family are here to help

OlderBut Wiser
x

[lizzielee]

You have a hell of a lot to weigh up here. You say that your wife only wants companionship from you then if she will be satisfied with that --- then can a convenience marriage work for you? Would she allow you to live your life sexually to your needs and still maintain a facade of a marriage? Will this be the best thing for you or is it better to break from her? Do you have children, parents, family etc. to consider? Are there financial circumstances that you will need to look at? Rule with your heart and head here not just one or the other.....
I wish you all the best......take care