Im in love with my advisor, does he love me back??

[commania]

Hi everyone,

I registered just to share my rent, and ask for advice.

Well i am a research assistant and Phd student. I have recently left my previous advisor (about 2 months ago) and started working with a new one. He has just finished his Phd and i was his first graduate student (actually i started working with him 2 days after he arrived at the school). So he was not at all "professor like" you know(hes just 4 years older than me). From day 1, (though i call him sir), we did not have the typical instructor-student relationship. We are more like friends. After his first classes he asked me, "how was i?", he shared quite a few things about his life with me, so did i, he told me once that we were so similar and even that he saw his old self in me (actually other people at school have told us that we resemble eachother a lot).

Anyway, there is a HUGE but, he has a girlfriend that he is been dating for 7 years (but as far as i know they have no marriage plans, and where i live you do get married after 7 years of relationship). However, i am %100 sure he is gay. He is just so feminine. Even people say that behind his back.

After i found out he had a girlfriend, i tried to hold myself off. I thought his interest in me was in a professional way (you know in academics, the better your students are the better you are, its a mutual advantage). But recently about 2 weeks ago, he told me we could go to America in June and stay there till September (for research purposes of course). I asked if i could bring a friend, he said yes. He then told me he could get us 15 days off so we can tour around the continent going to different states, but he then added "but you will have a friend come by so you could tour with her", and i said nothing.

Another thing i realized is that, once when i got too close to him, he got nervous, started moving too much, looking at the ceiling etc. but he is an anxious person sometimes so i dont know.

This one might sound funny but something that happened very recently is that, about a week ago he had asked me to teach him how to tie a tie. I told him i would love to. He then said he couldve watched youtube videos etc, i said no i will teach you myself. Anyway, about 2 days ago he mailed reminding me to teach him how to tie. I was surprised because you know he could have really learned it from the net very easily within those 5 days. Next day he had an urgent stuation and had to leave early so we couldnt come together, but i know he wanted me to teach him in person.

This is not an affection or anything btw, i LOVE him. Its the first time actually in my whole life that i have fallen in love with someone. We are just so similar. He is everything i like in this life, everything i adore and want to be. Its like he is me and i am him. If he wasnt my superiour id have told him right away. But if i tell him that i love him and i get rejected, he will not want to be my advisor anymore. And i dont think i can live with that. Just spending time with him is amazing. I dont want to lose that. But its so painful to be so close to him and not have him...

I know its been a long rant, so what do you think i should do?

P.S. sorry for my english

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I don't care how gay he acts, if he claims to be straight then you have to accept his is straight.

Besides even if he loved you (not saying he does) he most likely can get fired if he acted on that. Professor/student relationships are just not allowed. Once you are no longer student then doors may be open there IF he is gay.

And that means he has to say he is gay.

[Sil]

I've got to agree with Bowyn here...

despite your heart telling you everything about him is perfect, I think part of you knows that your brain is saying a lot of NOs. Doesn't that always make people that bit more attractive though?

The whole tie lesson sounded a little suspect, I can't imagine a professor of his age not knowing something like that, but then I don't know the guy. People use a lot of pretense for physical contact. I'd also like to counter by saying that when people want something REALLY bad, they can inaccurately read a lot of social cues and innocent acts of kindness.

He may be bisexual and tempted, but is faithful to his girlfriend. All I can say at the moment is to try and get some answers. Hang out with him in New York, have some drinks, talk about love and sex and try NOT to mention anything about your feelings. If anything it will help build a bond between you and hopefully answer a few questions about his preferences.

Crushes are fine. Feelings are scary and he sounds like a good person to you so try not to scare him away.

[pellaz]

... recently about 2 weeks ago, he told me we could go to America in June and stay there till September (for research purposes of course). I asked if i could bring a friend, he said yes. He then told me he could get us 15 days off so we can tour around the continent going to different states, but he then added "but you will have a friend come by so you could tour with her ...

bit confused about where the lady comes from? Is this his girl friend. Are both of you staying June -> Sept and is the girl only there for the 15dyas off? What city are you going to in the US? Are you there for 15days or the June/Sept stent.

back at home:
-There are huge cultural differences Bursa/Turkey.
-Your adviser is also trying to make a super good impression with a possible employer? From your post sounds like people talk at your school environment so not good your the first student he works with and people think he is getting you pregnant.

in all this dont loose your objectivity. You still need an adviser and get that PHD done. Seems like this will be a lot of work.

[Blue]

I also agree with Bowyn and, have to add that even if he is gay, and you are no longer a student, you might ruin a good friendship if you profess your love for him.

I know the not knowing stinks, but know the risks before you go saying "I love you."

[ChadCoxRox]

If you decide to take the risk you might ask him straight out and very casually if he'd prefer you go with him on the trip alone. If he takes advantage of the opportunity to say yes then you might actually be on to something. If he plays it off and doesn't "bite" the bait then I agree you are playing with fire. Don't risk your professional development and reputation for an attraction. Remember you are not "in love" because that takes two. Best wishes with your efforts to be careful but somewhat assertive!

[Nick9]

Hi,

hard to tell. I am not sure what your age is and what the Age of consent is in Turkey. There is also a possibility that it is perfectly okay to date your professor in your country.

I dated mine and we got married.
Two months are not long enough. Get to know him, try to be friends with him and you'll see. Don't rush things, you won't be able to take it back once you say it. Be careful at public places, people will notice the change in the tone of your voice, looks etc.

[Marc]

My advice?

Leave well alone, and move on, sorry mate.

[OrphanPip]

Well graduate schools might look the other way when it comes to a relationship between a supervisor and a PhD student, but it can still cause some very sticky professional issues and get you a bad reputation. Those of us who have spent some time in academia know how cliquish and gossipy it can be.

[Rainbowmum]

When I was working as a nurse at Morriset mental asylum, there was this male nurse , that was incredibly feminine , he spoke in quiet tones and giggled like a girl.

There were rumors flying around left right and center.

When we had our annual Christmas BBQ ( Australia, Christmas is in summer here), we all showed up with our spouses and children , he showed up with his Terry that happened to be a woman and his three boysa.

He was a lovely man , I miss him dearly.