PFlyers Wrote:Ok, so you're saying that you think all this recent acting out on his part is to try to keep me from moving on? In that case, should I tell him what he's doing is making it difficult to move on or would that just encourage him to do it more?
I cant say for sure that he's doing it to keep you from moving on. Jealousy can manifest itself in lots of different ways. It may be that he misses the close bond you both had, and him acting this way is his way of trying to get it back. Either way its clearly getting in the way of you moving forward with the new guy.
I would caution against saying too much to the new guy about whats going on. No one really wants to hear about old relationships that are causing issues within the new one (sometimes known as "baggage")
I would recommend that you meet with old guy somewhere neutral, where you can both talk about whats going on (you don't need to mention new guy at this stage) Ask him straight out whats going on, why the sudden interest again, the mixed messages etc. He may simply be curious and unsure of his sexuality, and he sees you as someone he can act out his feelings with, but perhaps too nervous to take it to the next level (hence the backing off last time around)
Whatever his reasons, its important that your clear about what you want, and how his behaviour is effecting you. Just be aware that if he's not out to anyone - and it doesn't sound like he is from what you said - then any subsequent relationship you get into with him will be fraught with potential difficulties, particularly for you.
The emotional turmoil that your experiencing just now is not unusual when someone goes from one relationship into another within a relatively short time. Your really not over Guy No. 1 yet.
ObW
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You guys are honestly amazing and incredible people! The fact that anyone would even want to listen to my story and much less help me out is so mind boggling but heat warming all the same, you guys rule. I think, after listening to all of your guys' advice, I'm gonna try to reconnect more with the old guy and find a place to talk to him about all of this, to get some closure if nothing else. I'll give it a little while longer at least to see what the old guy says and if things smooth out with the new one, and see how things go from there I think
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You are in a confusing spot indeed, the confusion isn't all yours though. It is really mostly with the old guy. You know you love him, you know he loves you, he doesn't realize he can love you. I have been where the old guy is, because I am bisexual. It is a very confusing place, you don't want to be gay, because the world will not accept you, plus you like women.
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hank Wrote:You are in a confusing spot indeed, the confusion isn't all yours though. It is really mostly with the old guy. You know you love him, you know he loves you, he doesn't realize he can love you. I have been where the old guy is, because I am bisexual. It is a very confusing place, you don't want to be gay, because the world will not accept you, plus you like women.
Thanks for the input, it's really nice to hear from someone who's actually been through this. Since you seem to have an idea of what it's like, for you what would've been a good thing to hear? Now having talked to him about it in more detail and hearing that his biggest issue is picturing the idea of him and a guy having sex, would it be at all beneficial to say that dating or being in a relationship wouldn't have to have those kinds of implications and that he could take things at whatever pace he found comfortable, or would that be too pushy to suggest at this point? Basically, if you were in his spot, what would be helpful to hear?
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Ok guys, thought I'd give an update. So, I talked to the old guy, and had a 2 hour-ish phone call with him, during which I confronted him asking for an explanation, and he said that he definitely is attracted to guys and will see a guy and be able to register "hey, that guy's really good looking" but what drove his decision to say he's straight is that he has trouble imagining having sex with another guy and is unsure if he'd be able to do that.
What was weird is that after that, we had this really deep, in depth conversation about how I was handling all of this and on sexuality and different feelings, during which we even talked about my doubts with the new guy and the old guy seemed incredibly cool about it and very understanding and I felt more connected with him then than ever before. He kept on saying he never meant to hurt my feelings and was afraid that I was mad or trying to push him away and seemed very open and honest about his feelings.
The one thing which did catch me off guard was that he asked if I was 100% sure I was gay, which was a little odd but a rather small detail of the conversation I assumed.
Anyways, I feel really weird now because even though he seems to have, at least at this moment, ruled out any possibility of having a relationship in the future, I feel like this is the closest and most honest/connected emotionally we've ever been. Should I press anything further like maybe suggest that being in a relationship wouldn't necessarily connote having sex and that he could take things at whatever pace he found comfortable, or would it be better to just let things be?
Afte thinking about it more I've really come to realize I don't like the new guy as more than a friend and latched onto him at first to try to cope with all the pain and confusion the old guy put on me, and I feel like it's best to cut things off now before they become too serious and emotionally invested.
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PFlyers Wrote:After thinking about it more I've really come to realize I don't like the new guy as more than a friend and latched onto him at first to try to cope with all the pain and confusion the old guy put on me, and I feel like it's best to cut things off now before they become too serious and emotionally invested.
Well done PF, I think you've now figured out where you stand, and the need to let new guy down as gently as possible.
I would just be a little wary of trying to maintain more than passing friendship with new guy however. My experience is that this just prolongs the inevitable while causing emotional upset to both, when all your trying to do is the right thing.
Work on building the friendship and closeness with old guy, and see where it goes. Thats really the best you can do for now, until such time as old guy decides he's ready to take any next steps.
Its important that the relationship moves forward at a pace he's comfortable with. If you try and push or pressure him in any way you risk triggering a similar event that ended things last time.
Good luck,
ObW
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Thanks ObW! Yeah it seems odd because even though in a way it feels like, at least for now, he's shut down any possibility of a relationship in the near future, I feel way better about things with the old guy than before because there's this newfound sense of honesty and understanding which was really needed I think.
It's good at least now to know at least vaguely where he stands sexuality wise and that this is something which in time he might figure out and accept as a possibility. With that in mind, since you said it'd be best not to push things, I'm assuming I should probably leave more serious talk such as what a relationship could be like until later? Is there ever a time where I'd know he's ready or do I just kinda have to wait until he seems to want to bring these things up?
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I guess the only thing left to do at this point is probably just let things be and see if he ever comes around. If not, I feel like that conversation really helped to build a stronger and closer friendship between us at least. I think I realize now he must've asked if I was sure I was gay to see where I was, because come to think of it we had focused a lot on his sexuality but never really discussed mine, so I guess that was just his way odd of bringing it up?
Anyways, thanks so much guys, this is honestly one of the kindest, most helpful group of people one could ever ask for and I honestly have no idea where I'd be right now had it not been for GS!
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sigh... Why do people run away if GS is such a wonderful place? 
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You are young. Many guys will come and go. My advice is that maybe the current guy was just someone you chose in order to replace your friend. You made yourself interested in him and now are realizing you are not. Don't lead your current bf on. Tell him the truth and end it if you must. You have to accept the fact that your long term friend may be straight. It could be something that he's still questioning and is scared so he is siding with the social norm. Give him time but also accept that he may not be interested and possibly straight. You will eventually meet the guy that does all the same things to your feelings as he and more.
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Very very very confused.... halp?
