Tombo Wrote:I know this is easier said than done but just focus on living YOUR life doing what YOU love, don't try to live HIS life, live your own 
I agree, couldn;t have said it better.
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It just saddens me to think of all the golden opportunities you may have missed while chasing a dream for twelve years. :frown:
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Happens to me all the time, and quite a bit recently. I just end up lying in my bed all day doing absolutely nothing. It doesn't help, but I don't know what else to do.
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Point taken: I have given him too high a position in this fantasy, and I have to accept that and forget him. I would like to meet him for coffee, but the thought of meeting him terrifies me; his silence these past years have made me anxious, and he still won't answer his messages, and I have no other way of contacting him.
The feeling I got from the dream has faded, but it was still a really fucking dirty trick...> 
edit: Also, he really pisses me off sometimes, so I know he's not perfect, and I've been willing to accept that he has flaws. I am talking about a guy I could spend almost a week straight hanging out with him and we wouldn't get on the other's nerves or bored of the other. That dynamic is the kind of relationship I want (plus sex, of course). Maybe it's time I just took that as a template for future relationships.
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monk Wrote:It just saddens me to think of all the golden opportunities you may have missed while chasing a dream for twelve years. :frown:
I was in the closet for eleven of those years, and married for five of those years, so no chasing, just finally realizing what I had wanted.
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Blue Wrote:Just how big of a pedestal have you put the poor guy on? Honestly it sounds like you have him on a pedestal he could never actually live up to. He can't be perfect, or even perfect for you in every way - no one is. Yes close is possible and, that's what we want, but no one is perfect in every way all of the
Be realistic and objective and, get him off that pedestal. Once yo do, I think you will see that he might be good, but so might someone else.
I wanted you to know you struck a chord here, Blue, and since then I've pushed myself past him (i think). He's just another guy, someone I was lucky to pass in this life.
The word that rang in my head was "pedestal", and it made me think. I'd placed him in front of myself, when I had told myself I wanted to move forward. So thank you, this was valuable input.
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Ive heard a few people talk about writing a letter to a person who they're having trouble getting over. You know, the "Dear John" type of deal.
Maybe if you sat down and wrote a letter to him, bringing out all the positives, negatives and emotions that you've been through with him then and since, it will help you decide once and for all that its time to put him behind you and move on. Keep the letter (don't mail it to him) and pull it out and read it whenever you have these "what if flashbacks." It will remind you of why moving on is the right thing to do.
One drawback of course is that the letter may leave more pro's than con's, and if that happens you need to reevaluate your position, but only you will know what to do in that situation.
ObW
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I actually want to let go, and I think I've done it. He's past. I've told him how I felt, and the moment is passed. I've tried before and he has been silent all this time, I doubt he'll start off with, "OMG ME TOO!" They are good memories, and I was happy, but I'm not torturing myself over something so blatantly unwanted by him, it's wasted energy. I'm closing that door. If he wants to start yakking at all, I'll ask him why I shouldn't ignore him like he's done for so long. He's just another guy.
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Just think all time you are investing in this and is not reciprocal, for how long you can bear it, loosing your energies and attention in others, life is short and you cannot force nobody to be with you. Close this cycle and move on, the future is what you want to be
Good luck
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Counselor Wrote:I've been on about this guy for twelve years. He hadn't spoken to me in the last six, despite my trying to communicate through social media. I dreamt of him a few months back, and a mutual friend of ours from high school added me on facebook (she was part of the "posse", so to speak, and it freaked me out a little). Last month I sent him a message, the first in almost two years, telling him I was having a hard time letting him go, asking him to at least tell me directly if I was holding onto something I shouldn't. He read it, but didn't reply.
I dreamt of him again last night, that I asked him if we could be together. He said yes, and I was so happy, I told him as I lay down next to him, "Finally, I can hold you, and it won't be weird," as I draped an arm over him, feeling his ribs under my arms. I felt warm, happy, and safe, relieved even.
When I woke up I was devastated. I stayed in bed for two hours until I told myself that nothing would get done, and I had to make the day.
So I pose this question: what kind of mindfuckery is this, and how do I get past it?!
I've got some answers for you, buddy:
First, it is obvious he wants nothing to do with you. Don't keep asking him about it, you already have your answer, sweetie. I know there must be a gnawing desire inside you, that keeps convincing you, you might be wrong, and that until he's given you your answer, you have no idea whether he wants you, or not. But sweetie, this has got to stop, you're making yourself miserable. This is your answer: He wants nothing to do with you, as tough as it may sound.
Second, you have to find some things you can occupy your mind with. Go out with friends, have fun, don't just tell yourself how miserable you are.
Third, as hard as it may be, you have to actively go out and seek out the company of a new man. Go out on dates, look for them online, if you have gay friends, ask them if they have someone for you. I'm speaking from experience here - the only way to get him out of your mind is to go out there and find someone else, someone who gives a damn about you, sweetie.
And I'm here, if you want a shoulder to lean on.
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