hello---new here---need help/advice

[rabidbunny101]

You know it's wrong yet you choose to behave like this?

You married your poor wife, you then befriend a lad much younger than you, that you paint as an imature guy struggling with his sexuality.. who might I add is also married.

You have chased him, encouraged him to allow you sexual contact even though he didn't want that, you then obviously panic at his rejection and go running to your poor wife, and no doubtedly break her heart with your admission, so you can feed her with a sob story to benefit yourself.

Your 'freind' does the right thing and breaks contact from you.

Now, you are full of self pity, selfishly wanting your wife to keep up your 'straight life' and all the while you couldn't care less about her, because you want this lad, that is half your age and already rejected you.

You need to grow up, get a pair of ball's, and stop hurting the poor woman you pretend to love.

All of this self pity is pathetic.

Wake up.

you know, I could be mad at your spitfire offhand comments....but 85% of what you said is correct...especially the part about hurting my wife. We have both been down that road before and she is also bi. She understands how I feel. I'm bisexual dude, not gay...I do love my wife.

What you are not right about is the context of the relationship between me and this 18yo...and I will be the first to admit it was all kinds of wrong that I fell for him. The sexual thing happened six months ago...and we worked it out, talked it out, in the open, with all parties involved...I took full blame and we all moved forward.

We continued a friendship long after that, and I didn't try anything during that time, I was there for him as a friend only. I went above and beyond as a friend...in fact. I respected his decision not to pursue anything other than friendship, I did not force him to do anything he did not want to do...and I wanted to touch his penis after it was already out.

We had a fight unrelated to anything sexual...and yes I discovered after the extended time apart that I do love him. I also love my wife. But I do want him in my life, and not in a sexual way. It is possible to love someone with all your heart and not have sex with them....

pathetic self pity, yeah,...I agree with that...

[zeon]

Hello,
Sorry to hear the loss of a friend however maybe if you got everyone together and said right life is too short to hold grudges so why dont we work together to try to fix our differances as there is enough issues in life without this and see how it goes

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Rabidbunny and to GS.

My, haven't you got yourself worked into a pickle.

First off, let me say that all the advice you get from the good folks of GS are a) Based on their personal experience from all walks of life & b) Can only be in response to what you choose to tell us on here.

There is nothing malicious in their posts, anyone who chooses to respond to your request can.

So with that in mind let me share a few alarm bells Im hearing with what you've said so far:

1. Your younger friend is married, and you are married. Did he give you any indication that he was interested in you sexually? If not, what triggered the whole "begging him to let you touch it thing"? Was it gay porn you were looking at, and if so at whose suggestion. If Im honest, it kind of sounds like you were trying to seduce him.

2. You seem to have started trying to "buy" his acceptance, even paying his ticket for him. You even go as far as starting to sell your own stuff in order to "assist him" This strikes two things with me: He's using you financially in return for not outing your attempted sexual encounter - call it emotional blackmail if you like. Or your trying to "buy" his friendship. Neither situation is healthy and can only end with one or other of you getting hurt - And it looks like you.

3. You're married, and 20 years older than this guy. Do you have kids with your wife? Are you willing to loose them over your obsession with this teenager? Is your wife happy with this situation your in, and does she know the full extent of your obsession?

4. The crux of the problem here is the fight you guys had, which caused him to walk 2 months ago. You said you got into this fight because you stopped paying for things for him. Seems to me you paying for "stuff" was more important than any friendship you ever had.

Personally I think your better off without this guy in your life. Of course thats easy for me to say as you're the one hurting. But think of it as a break up - it hurts like hell for a while, but you get over it. And if Im honest, it sounds like he's already over you (in typical teenager fashion I might add!)

You're comment about being suicidal worries me a little. People in general don't get suicidal just because a friendship breaks up. Especially one that cant have been going that long given the 20 year age gap between you. You're wife is also you're best friend and you need to sit down and have a talk to her about this situation, before it becomes all consuming and your marriage starts to suffer.

Good luck.



ObW
x

[rabidbunny101]

Hi Rabidbunny and to GS.

My, haven't you got yourself worked into a pickle.

First off, let me say that all the advice you get from the good folks of GS are a) Based on their personal experience from all walks of life & b) Can only be in response to what you choose to tell us on here.

There is nothing malicious in their posts, anyone who chooses to respond to your request can.

So with that in mind let me share a few alarm bells Im hearing with what you've said so far:

1. Your younger friend is married, and you are married. Did he give you any indication that he was interested in you sexually? If not, what triggered the whole "begging him to let you touch it thing"? Was it gay porn you were looking at, and if so at whose suggestion. If Im honest, it kind of sounds like you were trying to seduce him.

2. You seem to have started trying to "buy" his acceptance, even paying his ticket for him. You even go as far as starting to sell your own stuff in order to "assist him" This strikes two things with me: He's using you financially in return for not outing your attempted sexual encounter - call it emotional blackmail if you like. Or your trying to "buy" his friendship. Neither situation is healthy and can only end with one or other of you getting hurt - And it looks like you.

3. You're married, and 20 years older than this guy. Do you have kids with your wife? Are you willing to loose them over your obsession with this teenager? Is your wife happy with this situation your in, and does she know the full extent of your obsession?

4. The crux of the problem here is the fight you guys had, which caused him to walk 2 months ago. You said you got into this fight because you stopped paying for things for him. Seems to me you paying for "stuff" was more important than any friendship you ever had.

Personally I think your better off without this guy in your life. Of course thats easy for me to say as you're the one hurting. But think of it as a break up - it hurts like hell for a while, but you get over it. And if Im honest, it sounds like he's already over you (in typical teenager fashion I might add!)

You're comment about being suicidal worries me a little. People in general don't get suicidal just because a friendship breaks up. Especially one that cant have been going that long given the 20 year age gap between you. You're wife is also you're best friend and you need to sit down and have a talk to her about this situation, before it becomes all consuming and your marriage starts to suffer.

Good luck.



ObW
x

I am very thankful for all the advice, especially the advice that doesn't sugarcoat the issue.

1. Yes, he did give me an indication that he was interested in me sexually...he would sit very close to me all the time when we were alone, and he would touch me in sexual ways, but in joking fashion. Like touch my chest and rub and squeeze my nipples, and even panted me a few times. Two days before he showed me his penis, he got a sharpie and started drawing on me, touching me in the process, I'm talking low on my stomach here and holding my face close too. At first I thought it was just him being goofy, but then he asked me "Do you want to F----?" I said, "What!" he quickly changed his tune and said, "no, no, not me..." there was no one else in the house but me and him...I quickly changed the subject...I felt uncomfortable.

It was straight porn, and he was the one looking it up...because he said his wife wasn't giving him any...he would come over the house a lot at that time, and a lot of the time he would look up porn and go in the bathroom and masturbate.

2. I was already outed for the attempted sexual encounter...everyone knew what happened, I didn't lie about it. And it hurt a lot of people. It does sound like I was trying to buy his friendship though.

3. I don't have kids, but yes, my wife knows the full extent. She is my best friend and we have talked extensively about it. She is definitely not happy with the situation, and she wants me to get inpatient help from a qualified psychiatric hospital.

4. Yeah I agree, I do think he got over me pretty quickly.

I feel like the village pedophile for getting involved with an 18yo kid, A dude half my age....how do I look at myself in the mirror and not feel absolutely disgusted. I can't seem to do that...

[Counselor]

Lol, I recognize some of these reactions. My response was to let him go. He made me happy, he made me angry, and it hurt, but I had to let him go.

[Marc]

Parts of the 'story' sound rather fanciful if you ask me.

[Counselor]

Parts of the 'story' sound rather fanciful if you ask me.

And if we don't ask? :-P

[rabidbunny101]

I understand what your saying Marc, but it is all true...I'm just trying to make sense of it...for I won't be stupid enough to ever let it happen again.

maybe I saw a lot more into the situation than was actually there....he was always joking around and he could have been really joking and I took it seriously.

I don't know, but it happened, and exactly the way I tried to describe it..

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and welcome.

I know you do not want to hear this right now , but here goes.

If you are in a committed relationship ,you do not have the luxury to play the field.
Just as being Bi does not give you the right to cheat , or plan to cheat or look over the fence.

There are four people involved in this, it is going to take time for the pain and betrayal to be forgotten.

Take care