Need some relationship advice

[MJBodinkle]

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He is a lot older than I am. He is 59 and I am approaching 30. When we got together I was living quite a long distance from him. I started making regular visits and ended up moving in quite quickly. I seemed to quickly fall for him - the main reason being he offered stability and security. My problem is over the years I have been stuck in the same job and in the same house and my partner doesn't like to socialise much so its taken me a while to start going out alone and meeting new people because i was never very good at that. Last year we got hitched and my feelings seemed to wane even more after that. I know i love Steve, but there's no passion. We haven't even had sex in two years. When we used to it was always just a fumble. He's never really been interested in that stuff. I have always gone out cruising to satisfy my needs. He doesn't know this. My appetite for sex seems to have increased over the years.

About a week ago I met this guy who is 31 and has a gsoh. He is definitely not somebody to get into a relationship with as he is married with 3 kids. But the sex was the most fun I had had in a long time.

I think with me and Steve, the relationship is very platonic. We are more friends than lovers.

The reason I brought up this other guy is since I met him I have come to the conclusion that I need to end my relationship with Steve. To be honest I should have done this years ago but I kept putting it off. I think (and I know this makes me sound like a complete bitch) it was always just convenient to be with him and nothing more. There isn't any sexual attraction, there never was. I am just so scared of how hurt he's going to be. I'm probably not making much sense right now but I am so worried.

[Counselor]

Welcome to the forum! Friendly warning: you're going to catch hate for cheating.

Edit: but you are right. Your marriage is not functioning, and it is broken. The longer you put it off, the more painful it will be. And be honest when you end it, but don't think he's not able to deal with this and move on.

[megumidesu]

I have always gone out cruising to satisfy my needs. He doesn't know this.

if he doesn't know , then what you're doing / have done is wrong .

About a week ago I met this guy who is 31 and has a gsoh. He is definitely not somebody to get into a relationship with as he is married with 3 kids. But the sex was the most fun I had had in a long time.

okay seriously ... what.
cheating on your boyfriend is bad . cheating on your boyfriend with someone who is married is worse . cheating with someone who has children , is just .... urrrrghhhh >____<

[ThatRobGuy]

Hi MJ, thanks for your post!

So you are actually married to Steve? But you were never in love? Geez, that was a mistake.

It sounds like you will never be happy in this relationship with Steve, and in turn he will never be happy. I gave this advice to someone else, but it's applicable in all of these situations: you need to live the life that will make you happy, and by doing so, you will free Steve to live the life that will make him happy.

Do you think that he is fully satisfied with you or do you think he has issues like you do?

[ezra]

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He is a lot older than I am. He is 59 and I am approaching 30. When we got together I was living quite a long distance from him. I started making regular visits and ended up moving in quite quickly. I seemed to quickly fall for him - the main reason being he offered stability and security. My problem is over the years I have been stuck in the same job and in the same house and my partner doesn't like to socialise much so its taken me a while to start going out alone and meeting new people because i was never very good at that. Last year we got hitched and my feelings seemed to wane even more after that. I know i love Steve, but there's no passion. We haven't even had sex in two years. When we used to it was always just a fumble. He's never really been interested in that stuff. I have always gone out cruising to satisfy my needs. He doesn't know this. My appetite for sex seems to have increased over the years.

About a week ago I met this guy who is 31 and has a gsoh. He is definitely not somebody to get into a relationship with as he is married with 3 kids. But the sex was the most fun I had had in a long time.

I think with me and Steve, the relationship is very platonic. We are more friends than lovers.

The reason I brought up this other guy is since I met him I have come to the conclusion that I need to end my relationship with Steve. To be honest I should have done this years ago but I kept putting it off. I think (and I know this makes me sound like a complete bitch) it was always just convenient to be with him and nothing more. There isn't any sexual attraction, there never was. I am just so scared of how hurt he's going to be. I'm probably not making much sense right now but I am so worried.

my heart goes out to you. the longer you wait the more harder it will be. id tell him in front of someone you both respect for a witness. breakups are hard especially when they dont know its coming. good luck! big hugs. ezra

[Undreamt]

There is only one thing I can say TALK TO HIM!

explain the whole situation. Communication is important.
Work out what you both want, what you both need and how you see the future unfolding.

It is better to be honest know rather than keep digging yourself into a hole that is even harder to get out of.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi and welcome

Talking to Steve is the way to go ,although I fail to see how one can cheat in an open relationship.
I am sorry you are feeling so very conflicted at the moment and I really hope you can resolve the problem in a civilized manner.

Talk to him .

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well you most likely already know that cheating on him will, eventually, come back to his ears.

Either a mutual freind will see you out with another guy, or you will do something silly like forget to log out of your email account on a shared computer and he goes to check his email and finds letters from one of your bf's.

Then what happens? He gets hurt, he gets angry, its a huge mess which is far worse than if you just said 'we are done here'.

I think if you were just a wee bit more honest about it, it were in the relationship solely for the security it offered. You got involved when you needed a safety net. That's not a problem, many get involved for that reason.

If you really married him, legally, I hate you. Why? Because for most of my life gays couldn't marry and we took that whole marriage thing pretty seriously, now a few gays are able and are married and they are screwing it up forgetting how precious that right was to be earned and just throwing it away like 51% of the breeders do.

We wanted it so badly, now it seems that those who can have it are not taking it as seriously and demonstrating that we never really deserved the right to marry because in reality, we don't honor the whole ideal of marriage, monogamy and all of that.