How do you do it?!

[Mike]

As Bowyn said, you simply do it. No secret technique, just will power. You find yours and you put on the act and, wait for time to heal the wounds and blur the memories.

If only I could fast-forward time.
I've heard about couples who broke up after 10+ years.
My God, how do they do it??
I feel like I'm going to literally crack.

[Mike]

Well, I know I'm young, therefore, I do not have much wisdom, but if I'm reading your post right, the man you loved is no longer in a relationship with you? If that's the case, what I like to remind myself of every time I feel like "relapsing" back into feelings for someone I'm no longer with, I just remember that "it's just means they're not the one"...

Would you mind elaborating a bit more so I can try to help you better? :\

He just went back and forth, always questioning whether we're good together. I believe he has deep issues that have to do with a general insecurity about life.
The thing is - he really loves me, he really does, but I just couldn't take his constant questioning. He wanted me to change and he was really controlling about it. He wouldn't have things any other way.

When I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore he wept, telling me he could change, he begged me to give him a second chance, but we'd been at it for months and I felt I'd had it.
All of his questioning of our relationship made me "apologize" for who I was. It made me feel bad about myself, because I wanted our relationship to work.

We're on a break now, we've been apart for one week and I'm going crazy already. But unfortunately, I feel we have no future together. :-(

Thank you for trying to help!

[Mike]

We lose sight of the fact that theres a world full of gay men out there, and there will always be someone else if you keep looking!

Yeah, but now I have to do it all over again: There's AIDS to be scared of and all the 'getting to know each other' thing, and then the honeymoon is over, and then you REALLY start to get to know him....... I'm just tired of relationships! The heartache is just not worth it!

[Mike]

I would say your grieving indicates that the relationship contributed to many joyful moments in your life. Those moments are yours. No one can take them away. You have a right to enjoy them for all that they are worth.

Don't forget to be your own best friend. After all, you live with yourself 24/7. Treat yourself with tender loving care. You've earned it. Help yourself get through this transition, and leave yourself open for pleasant surprises.

Thank you. What you wrote is really sweet - like a guide-book for happiness. I wish life were really that simple.

But I guess I'm already doing all of these things: I go out with my friends, I eat out a lot, I'm almost never at home (either burying myself at work, or out and about with friends) and I do whatever comes to my mind (I spend tons of money without even blinking an eye [that's ok, I won't get into trouble, I can afford it]).

But at the end of the day, you're left alone, you and your damned thoughts, alone in bed, without him. :-(

[Nick9]

Hi Mike,

looking at your first post... have you considered writing? Put all your pain into it. Surprisingly, it works pretty well...

[Mike]

I'll take that as a general rubric, too general for an answer.



You don't, doing this will prevent learning from experience.



Presumably this has already happened. If you're determined to erase memories (see above) you'll never be able to work out how it happened.



Put them away in a box until you're in a better frame of mind.



A bit more difficult but it will come.



You can never be too rich or too thin, this will help with the latter and if food prices are anything like where I live, the former too.



Same as you always did, same as most people do.



Take the bus for a few days.



Well, that was quick.



If you can't get him out of the house yourself, get that guy you were just in bed with to help you.



Whatever you do, don't take this post seriously.



Sounds like they're kids. If you engage in their agenda rather than your own they will provide you with complete distraction from your problems. Or you could share your problems with them. Which do you think is best?



I've tried to oblige on the how one, though I probably haven't helped. Only you can do that.

Cheer up, the worst bit, the bit that you really have no control over has already happened. What you're dealing with now you do have some control over, though it may not feel like it. In time, though, you'll find you can grapple it to the floor and land a few good kicks without the referee seeing.

Thanks for trying to help.

"Seeing the two of you in the mirror" - I didn't mean that literally. We're not living together.

"Take the bus" - that'll happen, when the sun freezes over (I hate buses!)

"That was quick" - It wasn't. If you know anything about what you go through, when you break up with someone you loved is that - you need comfort, you seek out warmth. Only thing - sex with strangers isn't that "warm", isn't that fuzzy and cozy and loving. :-(

[Nick9]

Don't forget to be your own best friend. After all, you live with yourself 24/7. Treat yourself with tender loving care. You've earned it. Help yourself get through this transition, and leave yourself open for pleasant surprises.

But I guess I'm already doing all of these things: I go out with my friends, I eat out a lot, I'm almost never at home (either burying myself at work, or out and about with friends) and I do whatever comes to my mind (I spend tons of money without even blinking an eye [that's ok, I won't get into trouble, I can afford it]).

But at the end of the day, you're left alone, you and your damned thoughts, alone in bed, without him. :-(

I guess it's time to try a different approach then. Maybe DO try that tender loving care that ronaldsbatson suggested. I am not sure you will find it while spending money and partying every night.

Thank you. What you wrote is really sweet - like a guide-book for happiness. I wish life were really that simple.

Since when simple means more enjoyable?

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Mike.

All you can do is take one moment at a time , you wake up the next day ,he is not there .
You made it through the night without him.( a very small victory but you did it.)

Love is not a tap you cannot turn off your emotions .
But one thing you can do is find who you are without him ,instead of placing all your energy in to forgetting , try placing it into rediscovering who you have become.

We are all here for you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Life simply goes on, the world doesn't stop. Yes its painful. Ive been there, bawling my eyes out in the staff toilets between meetings, while trying to hold it all together in front of everyone in the office as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

Ive heard a painful breakup as being described as like a bereavement, but without the body that brings with it the final act of closure (burial) It hurts inside and there is nothing you can do about it. Just remember the good times and look forward not backwards to the next relationship that awaits you, taking all the positives with you.



ObW
x

[Mike]

Life simply goes on, the world doesn't stop. Yes its painful. Ive been there, bawling my eyes out in the staff toilets between meetings, while trying to hold it all together in front of everyone in the office as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

Ive heard a painful breakup as being described as like a bereavement, but without the body that brings with it the final act of closure (burial) It hurts inside and there is nothing you can do about it. Just remember the good times and look forward not backwards to the next relationship that awaits you, taking all the positives with you.



ObW
x

Thank you! It's really good to know someone understands.
I guess I knew I wasn't the only one who goes through it, yet I never really thought about it.
It must have been painful. I hope you had people around you, people who loved you and helped you.