Confused - Stressed and Depressed and Embarrassed

[solemner]

Hello, sorry for any grammitical errors im not the best at writing.
I'm 20 years old male, in my third year of university and suffering from alot of stress and anxiety as well as depression.
I analyse and over think everything. I'm studying graphic design and brand communication and it helps to have a very good attention to detail and be able to have a many different ways of thinking.

But i've over the past couple of months i've intensely questioning sexuality and it might be triggering some major depression and anxiety. Although I think i've had a slight depression from since i was child.
I've had a traumatic childhood with the passing of many people. most importantly my dad, this i feels had huge effect on me socially and how i interact with people. Being the ways i had to deal with being aged 7-8 pretty much on my own, without any proper closure.

But yeh i've been questioning my sexuality because i feel im different, i get nervous when im outside, i shy away from the outside world because i fear of becoming nervous and uncomfortable when im out. People have questioned my sexuality before back in school for reason that i consider not related, I also paranoid now that people are talking behind my back, i think some of them think i'm gay or closeted. I'm not homophobic in anyway and I have friends and family who gay. I've spoken to some people from the LGBTQ community and they all suggest that i'm not just have an anxiety and depression disorder but yet I can't help but think what if it's all rooted in my confusion of my sexuality. Another thing about me is that all of this feels like it happened nowhere, i used be a social and confident person, if anything i used to be the most confident out my previous social group now i'm just so insecure and i feel like i'm pathetic.

Throughout all my life i have considered myself straight, i used to exclusively fantasise and masturbate only over women. I'm currently in my first committed relationship with the most incredible girl i've ever met, I've spoken to her about this and she wants me to see somebody.

When this first stage questioning of myself started to arise i tried watching MM porn & MMF porn to gauge my reaction, and noticed I can find it arousing and thus masturbate to it. The first time i did it i felt guilty and ashamed of myself this was maybe when i was 17 or 18 and I was high. I have done so on other occasions but maybe only few times, i'm probably able to count and they haven't been anything special to when i was masturbating over women, if anything it was less exciting, because i didn't find them as attractive mainly because there as no vagina, this is what also confuses me. When i'm watchin straight porn I know im more excited i wish that its me fucking the girl but when i'm watching gay porn i feel like i'm just masturbating whilst two dudes are just doing it. I consciously once tried to see it how do when watchin straight porn but couldn't maybe because i didn't have the desire to do what they were doing to each other.

But last night as i haven't been able to sleep very much recently, i made a first conscious effort to try and fantasise about a sexual act with a man and i did. became aroused thus masturbated and climaxed.

But i've been thinking about out my life and childhood i cant think of any time where i had a crush on here of a member of the same-sex or was sexually attracted to them. I've thought and thought and thought about this many times and i cant think of any. I thought maybe what if i did but didn't realise it was crush? I remember when i was kid i little homophobic like i'd say stupid and juvenile thing about homosexuals, purely because i thought you turn gay and that it was a choice.People from the LGBTQ i've read said they knew from a very young age. I'm 17-18 and i feel like they've only just but i dont think mine have come naturally aswell. I've tried to accept myself and probably bisexual or at least bicurious but yet some part of doesn't really know for sure. When i'm walking down the street i'm not noticing anyone as i dont wanna be out but mainly when I it's always girls but yet i seemed have this sense if a guy is gay mainly because i feel like they're checking me out. i still feel depressed and anxious all the time.

it possibly to be closet bisexual or bicurious? I know im not gay cant be. I have a sexual attraction to women and always have. I'm in love with one.

Sorry for the very long post but i feel like i need to talk to somebody about it.
i've posted this similar message on other LGBTQ forums because i feel its must have something to do my sexuality or else why would i be feeling this depressed of anxious all the time.

A part of me thinks as well i could be forcing myself to cling to the idea of maybe i am gay/bi as away of making me feel better .

[stpdo2]

Hi Solemner, welcome to GS.
First off, relax. You don't have to label yourself as anything. You are you and that makes you wonderful. Sexual identity is not purely black and white. You may be somewhere in the middle of the sexuality scale, or still getting to know yourself. It's also perfectly normal to be a horny young adult and have anything sexual get you aroused. I know I could pop a tent in my pants at almost any moment when I was in my late teens through early 20s. I hope you can find some inner peace with your concerns.

[SolemnBoy]

I can relate to most of your problems with sexuality and over-analyzing things.

As for the sexuality part, like the poster before me said: you don't really need to define your orientation. Obviously you're attracted to and capable of falling in love with women. Thus you're not gay. You also seem to at least find homoerotic FANTASIES to be arousing so it's possible that you're bisexual or maybe just curious.

Recommended course of action: don't overthink it. If you ever fall in love with another man you'll know for sure because obviously you can be attracted to them physically? Good luck though, I hope everything works out!

[solemner]

this feel isolated and depressed thought dunno if it revolves around my confusion

[ThatRobGuy]

I don't get, from your post, where you think you may be gay? The only part is where you said you masturbated to the fantasy of having sex with a guy, but sex in general can turn most people on. You've never had a crush on a guy, so it doesn't sound like you've really considered getting into a romantic relationship with a guy and you're currently dating and in love with a girl.

If you are getting this stressed out about your sexuality (and seemingly unnecessarily so, in my opinion), it would probably help to talk to someone professional about it. I don't really see the problem though?

Good luck!

[stpdo2]

It may very well, no one likes being confused so it's not surprising for that to get you down. But cheer up, there are a lot of wonderful people here for you and I'm sure you have some great people near you to help you through this.

Another thing to ponder, it's scientifically proven that male brains are still developing up until around age 25. One of the last parts to fully mature is the part that helps with decision making and judgement. You may very well be going through normal confusion as part of this. Seek guidance and comfort from those you love and truly love you back and they can help you get through it. Growing up is confusing, actually life is confusing but especially so when you're younger.

I truly hope you have a great day today, I'll be hoping for some good cheer to be in your life!

[gayboyindia24]

Hey..don't worry.I think many people go through this phase and I am also somewhat a part of it.Don't label yourself(gay/bi/bicurious).You have a girl friend as you said,be with her,focus on her and try to avoid gay thoughts as much as possible(i am not saying its bad).But you are in a very initial stage,so don't fall in that trap now.You are VERY young,so with times you would figure out about your sexuality.But brother, even if you, one day discover that you are gay,please please donot make it a habit of meeting people and having random sex rather find one and stick to him.And if suppose you realise that you are bisexual and can connect more with women emotionally and physically then you would be still be at power and can lead a normal married life with kids.Right now focus on your studies,career and girlfriend.I am gay but yes when i was younger i had attraction towards men(more) and women both but gradually due to my inferiority complex and not very bf material for girls,i went on 2 crave for men and i enjoyed getting attention from them and my interest towards women went on diminishing as i grew older.Gay life is full of insecurities,lonliness,more about looks,sex and lastly comes love,however there are some lovely gay people who has find happiness within their own available sources.Just like a elder brother..i advise you always have a control on yourself.Chill and take life as it comes after all God is the creator

[pellaz]

porn is not any indication your gay or straight, its the ability to have a successful relationship with the same sex

not a big issue these days to be straight/bi/gay as no one really cares, serious.

[Blue]

What I read is anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, low self esteem and, mistaking what porn you like for a sexual orientation indicator.

Just because you get an erection looking at two guy, or two animals doing it for that matter does not make you gay, bit or one bit interested in bestiality as something you'd do.

I would suggest a therapist, not a date with a guy.

[MisterTinkles]

Although I have always known who I am, since I was like....about 2 years old, I really never knew there was a name for it until I was 13 and reading about the Stonewall riots in the papers. Some term called "homosexual". I looked it up in the dictionary....a man who prefers the company of men, as to being with women. Wow, I thought...thats me. Theres a name for it?

Im not all up with labeling people though. In my opinion, I am me. I have always been me, I have never been or imitated anyone else. You like me for me, or you know where the door is.

As for your predicament, yes, you ARE severely stressed and depressed. I have been there. I had to fight my way out of it.

I dont know if you have heard the term "fighting your inner demons", but thats what you are doing.

I would like to address these issues one by one, so hopefully it doesnt get too confusing.

1. Rough childhood/growing up. Apparently you had a lot of people you felt close to, pass away while you were young. This always leaves an impression on young kids, especially if the adults dont talk to the young ones involved and explain why this is happening, about life, about death. Kids get confused and think this is how life is....everybody you love dies. You have this in the back of your mind. This is why you cant sleep. You want to love this girl, and feel you do, but somewhere in the recesses of your subconscience, you are afraid that if you fully give yourself to loving this person, she will die.

2. Thinking your gay. More of the double standard brainwashing people foist upon everyone else. This is why you are depressed, you dont know who you are. Just because a few morons said something about you being "gay", you've taken this to heart. Apparently you are a deep feeling, compassionate, loving person, adn all of this has really fucked with your mind over the years. You are second guessing who you are....because you arent listening to yoursefl, you are listening to these dimwits who dont know anything about you. You cant let stupid people fuck wth your mind like this, it will ruin you.

3. Trying to "be" gay. Why are you trying to make yourself into someone you obviously arent? Yes, even "straight" men find other men attractive sometimes, even sexually....that doesnt mean they are "gay". I have found several women in my life absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, etherial, and extremely beautiful, inside and out...but that doesnt make me "straight". You are trying to force yourself into something based on comments made by idiots and morons. I dont care if they are friends or family, apparently they dont know you at all and have no right to make such comments. Just because you are quiet, subdued, and/or a "wallflower", doesnt mean you are "gay" by any means!!


4. You've had a lot of loss in your life. You dont seem to be able to handle the life in your life. Its difficult to let go of a lot of the pain and hurt, but let this new life be a new road to take. You have a chance at burying the past and beginning something with someone who loves you. You realize this, otherwise you would have never made this post on here. Congratulations, you made the FIRST step to self help....admitting the problems.

5. The gay porn. You have'nt had a male figure in your life to look up too, to adhere too, to be taught by.
You are reaching out in some way, for some male role model to mimic. Sometimes this comes through in the forms of sexuality. You arent "gay", you are just trying to fill the void of the lack of a male role model in your life. For some reason you consider male on male porn "manly" in some way, so you have tried to make yourself beleive that you are gay, in order to find a male counterpart....another man to bond with.

Im sorry you lost your father at an early age. This can be rough on a lot of boys. They have lost their father figure in their life. This has obviously been unsettling for you all these years. Men who are such as yourself, quiet and subdued, usually have more problems with lost father figures in their lives than other men/boys. This is a hard road to go down, but you have to find a stability in your life. Create your own father figure in yourself. Let the memory of your father be your guide to being a better man, boyfriend, husband, father....dont let it be the shovel thats digging your grave.

Your girlfriend has put the suggestion forth, that you should seek help. i agree. Whether its just someone who can listen to you and not judge, or if its a professional mental therapist, you NEED to find someone to talk too. Talking it out is a big part of the battle of getting better and finding your way. Sometimes we dont realize whats going on unless we hear ourselves say it out loud. And Im sure she would not have made such a suggestion if she didnt care for you.

You do need a good male friend in your life. Do you have such a friend? A male relative who is understanding, not judgemental, patient, and caring? You lost a lot as a youngster, and in order for you to heal this part of your psyche, it would be helpful (but not necessary) to have a bond with a male friend, family member, or someone trustworthy.

Men can have male friends, close male friends, without anything being sexual or deviant about the relationship. Stupid people and morons may call you "gay", but they dont know you. Its difficult for the quiet types to make such friends, but it is not impossible. And you never know where you will meet or find such a friend. And you never know, the man you meet could be your soul-brother (thats like a soulmate, but in a brotherly way).

I would find someone you are comfortable with, and talk to them. If you go to a professional, you dont have to pick just one.....its like buying a car, give them a "test drive". Ask for a free meet session to just talk to the professional person....see if you feel comfortable with them, if you feel they can help you. If you dont feel like they are right for you, just leave it as a nice meeting. Make an appointment with another one, and meet them. Once you find someone you feel comfortable with, you can schedule an appointment for a session.


I am no mental health professional, but I am an observer of human behaviour. And for some reason people around me have always come to me with thier problems. So, over the years I beleive I have learned a few things about human nature and whats within.

If you feel I have helped in any small way, I am glad. If you need to "get something off your chest", feel free to privately email me. Im not sure if there is a way to do that on here, but I think you can leave me private messages. If not, thats fine too.

Would like to know how you are doing once in a while though.