Asexual?

[Anonymous]

Alright, so judging by the title, I'm pretty sure you all know where this is going...

So basically my whole life, I noticed that I've never been interested much in dating as my fellow peers, and for some time, considered it could be because I wasn't attracted to boys. I decided to venture out and test this hypothesis safely (meaning not using this as an experiment and using some poor girl, but as seeing how I felt about seeing women that way ). Long sorry short, I feel like I am more ROMANTICALLY inclined to girls, but still have no desire for sex with women. I feel absolutely nothing for men so far (I am only in my early 20s), find women romantically attractive, but that's it. I was wondering, since it seems to me I have no sex drive (as for masturbation, I only do it to really... get rid of it, but I don't really think of anyone or anything in particular while), that I might be what they call a "homo-romantic asexual". Could this be who I am or do I have some kind of psychological issue locked away in my subconscious about being afraid of sex or the thought of being attracted to someone?

Thanks!

[SolemnBoy]

I think "psychological issue locked away in my subconscious about being afraid of sex or the thought of being attracted to someone" is a lot more far-fetched than just "asexual" to be honest. So I'd go with that! Either that or you've just been later than most people in realizing your attraction?

[Pix]

Sounds pretty asexual to me. Plenty of asexuals have romantic inclinations without the desire for sex.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, anonymous, and to the site, even if you have posted here before, we don't know who you are...
So you are suggesting that you might be an asexual lesbian, are you? It is quite possible that you are not attracted sexually or aroused sexually by anyone. Sex drive is very variable in people. You might ask your doctor if s/he thinks you are abnormal, and they would know what the figures are relating to your condition. I don't think it need to be a problem, but if it's worrying you, then talk to him or her about it.

As for feeling more romantically inclined towards women, well, that's quite possible. Our sexual orientation is not only about how our body reacts to visual stimuli, it's also our brain, which is, after all, the biggest sexual organ any human being can have.

Some people, for various reasons pertaining to their upbringing or personality, can be more or less able to switch off libido, sometimes to the extent or not feeling any sexual passion for any other human being, so maybe it's just who you are, or maybe it's just that you haven't encountered the other half that makes your heart skip a beat, or sets your mind and body in motion. Some of us have been late bloomers, some of us have tought themselves from an early age to switch off emotions that we would have found difficult to deal with had we come to terms with the idea of being differently aroused from the general population.

It seems to me that your doctor might well suggest psychological areas to look into if s/he sees any problem there, but s/he might also just think that it's only a question of time or the right exposure... (you know, finding Mr or Mrs Right).

Mostly, it seems to me that you are either unready to experience the joys of sex, or not wishing to because your body ( and mind) doesn't find it necessary. If masturbation does the trick for you, for the moment, it could just be that you've found the release you need to deal with daily tension.

Note, however, that self-gratification is quite different from having sexual intercourse with another person. Sometimes it takes time to adjust to having someone else trying to pleasure us, so accustomed have we become to doing it ourselves, and for ourselves. It then becomes a question of "letting go", and trusting the other person enogh to let them find what buttons to push.

But then again, we should never forget that our partners need our guidance to help them understand what makes us tick (that is, if it is not working from an instinctive point of view). In other words, we need to talk, and tell them what works, and what annoys, irritates, hurts or does not stimulate our bodies in a pleasurable fashion.

Good luck with finding out more about yourself.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Asexual, or Sexually Anorexic? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_anorexia

Its complex, so I'm not going to just copy and paste a few bits.

Romantically attractive to women, but you have an interest in males? What is that anyway?? I do not know your gender, I do not know why it was important to even mention males if you are not interested in them to begin with. So These questions are actually ones you need to ask yourself to get some idea of who you are and what you are doing or not doing.

Is it that you actually fear real intimacy with other people (regardless of gender) and since there is some of the homo in there you feel 'safer' with a bit of romance with girls because you know in your heart that ain't going anywhere serious, and just totally abstain from guys because you fear rejection and know that a bit of romance with a guy could more readily lead to rejection?



Asexuals on the other hand rarely if ever masturbate. And any sex they do have they do so because their partner wants/needs sex. Since you masturbate (and I assume with no problem) that you are not actually asexual.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual

Asexual means you lack interest in sex, which you have some interest, you take matters to hand (masturbate) for whatever reason, and you have an interest in exploring sex to some degree or another.

I would think that you have a fear of intimacy (not just sex, but getting close to a person), which is not the same thing as a lack of desire for sex. Your comment that you don't think about other people when masturbating makes me think that perhaps the whole closeness and being open to a human being is the think that bothers you.

Ultimately you provided way to little information to actually arrive at anything resembling a 'solution' to the questions.

If it is a matter of importance to you, I would suggest discussing this with a therapist, or at the very least study up a little more on the terms asexual and sexual anorexic and while you are at it look at other sexual dysfunctions.

There are medical reasons for lack of interest in sex, physical problems which today there is most likely a pill for. So this may be something you should consider discussing with your doctor.

[UrbanBookworm]

Romantically attractive to women, but you have an interest in males? What is that anyway?? I do not know your gender, I do not know why it was important to even mention males if you are not interested in them to begin with.

I believe the OP said that they had no interest in males lol. And they probably mentioned it to dismiss the possibility of being bisexual.

Asexuals on the other hand rarely if ever masturbate. And any sex they do have they do so because their partner wants/needs sex. Since you masturbate (and I assume with no problem) that you are not actually asexual.

Really? In my human sexuality class, we were taught that some asexuals do masturbate, but like the OP said, not to anyone in particular. Oh well, either my professor or Wikipedia is wrong haha

Anyway, OP, you could be asexual. I mean, look: no one has themselves 100% figured out. Especially when they're young. If you believe all the arrows point to asexuality, then embrace it. If someday, down the road, you find someone who does start the engine lol, then don't be embarrassed or anything for ever thinking you were asexual. Like princealbertofb said, maybe you haven't found the right person yet. Don't rush yourself into having sex with someone either to try and figure this out. If you don't have the drive, then you don't have it. And if this bothers you in terms of finding a lover, then you know what, if the people you find don't want to believe you are asexual or disrespect it, then they are not the one. This is why conversations are important. You need to let any partner you have know that you aren't much into sex, and if they stick around and you two develop a good relationship and you eventually want to try sex out with them.... it's better to do it with someone who cares about you. I'm just letting you know. Even if you don't like it, emotionally, it feels better to experience that closeness with someone with mutual feelings. Good luck and love yourself!

[Blue]

There is also such a thing as demi-sexual, meaning you do not want to have sex, you want to make love and, for that to happen, you need the emotional connection to your partner.

Now when you masturbate, if you get off fantasizing about a close relationship, or your partner needing you on an emotional level, then that might be the case for you and, when you fall in love, sex will be great.

[Rainbowmum]

I would say , it does seem like you are asexual.

[cardiganwearer]

...Could this be who I am or do I have some kind of psychological issue locked away in my subconscious about being afraid of sex or the thought of being attracted to someone?

Thanks!

Do you want there to be some psychological issue locked away? If you go looking for one, you'll certainly find one and it'll be like being awarded one of those pointless certificates one gets at school or for completing management training exercises.

What you do have is a set of behaviours which are in themselves harmless. If you and those with whom you surround yourself are comfortable with that, then you're good to go. If you want to put a name to what you've got, let me suggest Agnes, it'll help you as much as any name the medical profession may offer. If Agnes isn't satisfying, I can offer you a psychological sounding one; you've got Abstemious Psycholeptic non-Indulgence Syndrome. I've just made it up, but it has the virtue of being free rather than the outcome of years of expensive therapy.

If you're OK with no sex drive and romantic attachments you are in some ways lucky. Firstly you are by no means unique, so you will find people who will relate on that level, or perhaps enjoy just occasional sex. And secondly, you will not be dragged through life by a hydra headed monster whose whims and desires you are continually forced to accommodate (but hey, we're not here to discuss my problems).

So, and it's only taken me four paragraphs to say this, what Nick9 said "You are perfectly okay, don't let anyone tell you differently."

[princealbertofb]

Yes, let's all give Agnes a big kick in the butt.... oh but wait, Agnes is a little LAMB isn't she? Poor Agnes. We wouldn't like to hurt a lamb, would we?