Forgive if I don't write this post properly. I honestly just joined for advice.
I was bestfriends with a girl for five years before i started developing feelings for her. I was unsure what they were and didnt pay much attention to them. The summer of 2011 we started getting really close. For example: Holding hands, kissing each other on the cheek, playfully wrestling, etc. July of 2011 we kissed, and all of the feelings made sense. We became intimate within 4 days of our first kiss, which is unusual for me. Anyway, I went off to college (2 1/2 hrs away) but we stayed in touch and were together every chance we could be. 8 months later an email was read and we were both confronted. She was ready to come out, but i wasn't so we just played it off like we had only kissed 3 times. I was asked if I was a lesbian but I denied that. Honestly I am attracted to guys, but I fell in love with her. Not because of gender, but because of who she is. The complicating factors are: 1) She has kids. I'm fine with that but I want what's in their best interest. 2) She's married. 3) I'll turn 20 at the end of January. She'll be 32 in September.
I feel like my family would accept that fact that I'm attracted to a girl, but I'm not sure about the age difference. My mom wasn't too thrilled to find out we had kissed. With all of these factors and the everyday stress of life period, it makes it a little harder to come out. Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you in advance.
-Lo
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Is her husband okay with this relationship?
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No. He was actually the one who found the email. He not only confronted her but he went as far as telling her family and then calling my parents. He also went all over town telling ppl she is having an affair. She's been waiting on me to make up my mind about coming out to file for divorce. Money is an issue for her since he obviously is the primary money maker. That is her reason for staying thus far. I guess my question is really how should the sequence of events take place leading up to the actual coming out process. And should we do it together or seperate. etc
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Hi first let me say welcome to G.S.
No one here can tell you when to come out, it is a personal choice that should be made by you when you are ready to do so.
That being said ,I think that her waiting on you is unnecessary pressure that you do not need , I see it as her being rather selfish , it is up to her to end the marriage on her own, for her own reasons and that means you do not pull the trigger on the relationship.
You have some doubts right now , I would like to advise you to take some time out to think about it all , as does she.
We are all here for you.
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She's waiting on you to come out before she files for divorce? If she wants to be with you, she should have already filed, instead of allowing the (apparently vindictive) husband to think she'll stay. This sounds like a mess where all parties concerned need to sit down and discuss their futures like adults. By the time that happens, you would have to make your decision, though, so I see why you're asking for advice.
Edit: I agree with Mum, don't come out just because of pressure. Make sure you're ready for it.
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the worst thing you can do is come out for someone else.
if you are ready and want to come out then do so, you yourself mentioned the age difference, you can come out and not be with her, likewise if she has strong enough feelings for you then she can be with you without you being out.
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Advice to both of you
-you: dont come out unless you personally want to do it. Than again difficult to do this when everyone knows but do it for your own self and when you can define your self sexually. I swear me and my irish setter(s) have a more dependable defined relationship than most same sex relationships so again do it on your own terms. not for a situation that will not exist in 6mo. If she dosnt have a job she will never get a divorce. You must continue if your still in college. can she + children move in with you and she get a job local to your college?
-tell your girl friend, explain it several times; "get a divorce for yourself" make sure she understands here marriage and your relationship are two separate things. I really think the completion of the divorce process is the the start of your dating process. Your can help emotionally her get the divorce but there are super strong ties some times to a married couple. Especially with the distance factor you have. Divorce is an emotional, expensive, slow process; for example there is a 90 day cooling off period from when she files. Usually the smart gays stay away from married girls and men, thank god my current husband didnt. than again i took a few years to decide divorce was an appropriate end for my straight relationship and at no time express any doubt i was not a gay man. I knew exactly who I was, do you?
age difference
10years is my cut off. Yes that's a personal rule for me but not for you. Keep in mind this person grew up when phones had wires, people had check books and used them. There might be significant differences on how you guys live. Where you may want to go to the gym she will want to sleep in. You may want to go out drinking she may want to be with her children. On the positive side you can learn a lot form this person and shower a lot of energy and love to her at a time she is having a rough time with life. Just keep in mind she may or may not complete the divorce.
children
by posting here you sound like a person that wants to do the right thing. I think if you think it through you can be a great parent to her children (or not). Its the New Normal but many gay parents are extremely effective parents. Children are a lot of commitment and smell like shit and unlike the irish setters carry the same viral and germs that can effect you. Only a child's love can save your sole.
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 to GS LoRayy.
Age is pretty much irrelevant as far as Im concerned. Love is pretty blind when it comes to ages, although I know some people have limits (my partner is 10 years younger)
The deal breaker for me however would be her being married. Have a fling if thats your thing, but prepare to get hurt if the other person is married and your looking for commitment. Just my view.
ObW
x
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If you are bi that is fine and really you do not need to 'come out' about it until you are really in a monogamous, loving committed relationship.
Many bi people find it just easier to be straight when they are with the opposite gender, or be gay when they are with the same gender. They let who they are with to define their orientation. Its safer, easier and usually leads to a lot of questions.
My only problem here is she is still married.
As a gay man who has been denied all of his life the ability to marry a person he loves, I find the whole institute of marriage and the vows to be extremely precious. Unlike some (especially straight people) who seem to think these vows are mere suggestions, I think that they are promises that must be kept. There are exceptions, I would never insist a person remains with an abuser, married or not.
Unless she is legally separating and making moved to divorce, my fear would be that she is using you as a mistress and wants the best of both worlds.
That is a bad place to be, being a mistress.
I would rather you be with someone who can and will commit 100% to you and you only. It is a better place to be.
And I think if you were with that person and it was a she instead of a he, you might find the whole 'coming out' process to be easier on an emotional/mental level.
I didn't come out until I was deeply in love with a guy. Of course for me I was so deep in the closet prior to that I didn't know myself what I was.
His gentle love, and my desire to be with him 110% lead to my finding the courage to be honest and open about my sexuality.
Its both a scary thing and a wonderful place to be. I agonized for 6 months over a lot of things which turned out to be not worth agonizing about. Yes lines were drawn so called 'friends' dropped me like nuclear waste when they found out. But all in all I gained a lot more from being honest and open about what I am.
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I have to agree that her not making a move to get divorced, or at the least legally separated form her husband is a red flag. You do not want to be the "other woman." If she were really serious about being with you and, not her husband, she'd make efforts to at least get a separation.
Her husband found the email and, they are still together despite his disapproval - something is keeping them together besides money. Trust me, if it's really that bad, abuse or not, you will get out even if that means you do so with nothing.
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